A Simple Question: Bergkamp Or Cantona?

Ooooh, there could be blood on the floor after this one. We genuinely can't split them. Which one would you choose? And if you could show your working too, that'd be grand...

Last Updated: 27/02/14 at 09:53

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Mails: It's Not Entertainment, It's Sport...

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When did we start getting the idea that football was an entertainment business? It's about winning and winning alone. We also have some defences of Louis van Gaal...

Do England Need Scholes, Lineker Etc?

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They've all got ideas about where things are going wrong, so why don't they step up and help? Plus, we have lots of fall-out from the dullness of Holland v Argentina...

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The Excitement Of The Champions League
So I make that two, possibly three of the last 16 second legs not being formalities then. How exciting.
Rob Pearse

A Genuine Room Splitter
Bergkamp or Cantona?
Greg(Smalling plays like he is on stilts) Doherty

Replace Fergie With A Horse
I knew even before Moyes was appointed that it would be difficult for any man to replace Fergie. Then I got to thinking.

Fergie liked horses, he knew what made a good horse. Horses respected Fergie. They knew what standards Fergie expected. So why not try Fergie's best horse out as manager? The players at Man United were never going to respect any man who came in.

Has anyone ever had a bad word to say about a horse? Fergie's head horse would have understood what he wanted from the team more than anyone. So come here to me now united fans, why the long face? Horseys got this.
David, Manchester

Or The Neviller
It had crossed my mind Gary Neville the new Andy Gray as in awesome pundit hiding behind the microphone too scared to be a manager (not an alleged sexist pig which Mr Gray has been labelled).

Why not ditch Moyes, give the super pundit until the end of the season and see how it goes? He loves United, knows the club and it's values/playing style and seems to know what he is saying? I think he'd have the respect of the squad and he's a Fergie man. Things couldn't get any worse could they? There's nothing to lose.
Russ. Finally beginning to get worried as we get worse each week.

The Pressing Issue
One thought from Tuesday night's gickwollop (worst United performance I've seen in 20 years) are United the only team who do not press the ball? look at Bayern, Barca, Dortmund even the Pool this season press the ball high with intensity and get it back and counter attack with numbers. Dortmund were winning 3-2 at one stage got the ball from pressing high and in 5 seconds had 4 players in the box and scored. Everything is just so slow at United. Nowhere near good enough.

Tom Cleverly makes Carlton Palmer look like a world beater. What does he actually do? Read an interview from the clown saying I don't tackle, I don't play Scholes' type balls I don't score. WELL WHAT THE F**K DO YOU DO TOM??? He reminds me of a player at under 16 level scared to get the ball because of what he will do with it. His confidence is shot and rightly so because he's s***te. Showed a small bit of promise as a kid but nowhere near good enough. We kept him over Paul Pogba. PAUL F***ING POGBA. You'd want to be a horsed with your head up your arse not to see that kid was going to be world class even at youth level. The kid played away to Madrid and bossed it in a midfield clash that contained him, Vidal, Pirlo, and Alonso. How in the name of god did we let this kid go????

We are so far off the mark it is shocking, at one point an Olympiacos midfielder just ran around Rooney, not past him with a bit of skill or pace he ran around him like a F**king training cone. And this is the player you want to throw 300k a week at to galvanize the team. F**k off.

Moyes will get three years as Fergie is on the board and still has clout. I tell you one thing it will be a long hard 3 years United fans because this team is going nowhere fast 6 starters needed to be challenging for the top 4. Look at City, Chelsea squads we are nowhere near it.

Moyes out.
Mark (Irish Red) Toronto.

Is United Failing Funny?
Chatting to a mate in the pub last night about the current problems at Manure (now that nickname makes perfect sense) we both agreed on how much we are enjoying the comedy, especially with regards their fans.

Being a fellow follower of The Mighty Spurs I asked him if he would enjoy it as much if it was happening to Arsenal instead. After a pause and a healthy slug of lager he said 'No' and I had to agree.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to see them playing as badly and be nowhere near their annual target of 4th place but, strangely, it wouldn't be quite as funny. I know a lot of Goons and maybe its just a misplaced sense of sympathy for their obviously simple-minded feelings of loyalty but I just don't find them as annoying as Man Utd fans.

I would dearly love to test this theory.
John THFC, Saigon

Worse Than Souness Already? Are You Sure?
People may well be sick of discussing the travails of Man United under the stewardship of the Moyesiah but I wonder if he's the best 'worst' appointment of all time? I mean records, are tumbling under him on a weekly basis. To be fair he's already surpassed the wretchedness of Souness and Hodgson but I wonder if he can lay claim to be the all-time greatest worst manager ever? Racking my brains I cannot think of too many who've done a better job but then maybe I'm too insular in my outlook and am only thinking of the English league.

I've called it in my last published mail that if we destroy them (as we should) in their backyard on the 16th then surely they've got to get the shotgun out and take the old boy for a walk in the woods? If by some element of luck they scrape a draw (maybe they'll raise their game for when the big teams come to town?) then it's City at home on the 25th. The expected heavy defeats from their hated and/or cross-town rivals will do for the Moyesiah!?

Taking a look down the table am I the only one who's shocked at their position. This is a shit team led by a shit manager and yet they're 6th! 6th! What on earth does it say for the 14 teams beneath them in our Bestest League In The World Ever. TM..
Gregory Whitehead, LFC [Do you think I've thrown enough bait in there?]

On Hernandez
A word on Javier Hernandez

Since arriving in 2010, Javier 'Chicharito' Hernandez has scored 35 goals in 92 appearances for United. He has one of the best minutes played : goals ratio in Premier League history, and is revered by the OT faithful. Who could forget his goals against Chelsea and the numerous last-minute headers to salvage one or three points...the little man is a goal machine. We love him and for the past three years he has loved us.

It pains me to see him so criminally under-used. This season more than ever, his appearances have been missed. An injured Robin van Persie is no match for an in-form Chicharito. If we are so hell-bent on crossing the ball (head-->wall-->bang) every time we reach the final third, why is he not on the field?! His movement and positional play are phenomenal, better than van Nistelrooy or Teddy Sheringham. I have no doubt that he would have rescued a few more points for us this season.

I hate to say it, but we have to let him go. He will never be a weekly starter for us. He does appear he is resigned to this fact - he has looked glum and disheartened this season, and as a result the goals and joie de vivre have dried up. I would love to see him play for a side that will guarantee him thirty starts a season. He will, unfortunately and regrettably, fall victim to our transition like so many others. If you love something enough, you have to let it go.
RedArmy (4-0 at home, Rooney hat-trick), Belfast

Conclusions From Wednesday
- Peter Lovenkrands' part Danish, part Scottish brogue pleases me immensely.

- Jose Mourinho's teams are always ball achingly dull to watch. All that money, all that attacking talent, zero excitement. Chelsea fans seem to love him, but I can't see why. I know he wins stuff, but lots of managers win stuff at mega rich clubs without making your eyes hurt in the process. Ancelotti won the double at the same club after all and at least they were watchable then. Also, he just always seems to drag his clubs reputation into the gutter with his behaviour. I just don't get it, maybe I'd love him if he managed my team, who knows.

- To aid publication, Moyes out!
Fortycoats (I absolutely do not want Moyes out by the way) LFC

Southgate: Worse Than Moyes
Hi there

Far, far too easy to name worse than Mr Moyes. Step up, Mr Southgate.

Steve McClaren led our Middlesbrough team on an odyssey that we will freely admit was punching well out of our weight. League Cup won, 7th placed finish in the Premier League and a UEFA Cup final, when Europe's second club tournament was still worth a damn. Steve McClaren's parting gift to Middlesbrough was his last league side - 11 young English players, full of promise.

Gareth Southgate decides he fancies a go at being a manager. Steve Gibson, kind and supportive chap that he is, decides to let him have a go. He must have figured, as all us fans did, that our current run of success might not mean all of a sudden we were eating at the big table, but we were surely now an established Premier League side that would flirt with further success. He was appointed, then, despite some very diplomatic warnings not to (refer to Sir Alex Ferguson expressing "concerns" that the wee laddie didn't have coaching badges, a subtle way of saying "do not hire him he cannot do it"), and it only took him two years to get us relegated. The damage he did, followed up by the bizarre appointment of Gordon Strachan, might if we are lucky take two generations to fix.

Mr Moyes' main qualifications for the job seem to be that he didn't get Everton relegated and he's Scottish. I like the chap, but I do not blame those Man United fans who say "enough" and want him out.

Lee, Middlesbrough
PS - no jokes, no irony, no sarcasm - all the best for Sunday, you Mackems. Hope you pull off a shock result!

Almost Certainly Not, But...
I may possibly be having delusions of grandeur, but do you think it's possible that the publication of my letter in the Mailbox a few days ago has led to all the stories coming out about West Brom yesterday and today? Nothing beforehand about our club, and now all of a sudden our situation is all over the back pages? A civil war of sorts might just turn our shambles of a season around, although we'd be lucky. I could make a broader point about our style of play. Last season, counter attacking got us to 8th. The past two transfer windows have seen us sell all our quick counter attacking forwards and replace them with immobile ones whilst trying to play the same style, alongside appointing a manager after the transfer window had shut whose preferences are supposedly press and pass without having the players to implement said strategy. Whose genius recruitment planning was that?! Board level, within a board level imposed structure.

See the season out, Peace and Garlick, and then see yourselves out.

In response to the Wolves fan, I genuinely miss our derbies and I was actually sorry to see you capitulate in quite the fashion you did. It's always funny when you lose, but in a "wish you were still in the division" nonetheless sort of way.

I did think our club was being run properly up until this season though. A couple of bad appointments and transfers have really ballsed things up. If only we'd taken heed from your plight. Anyway, will look forward to seeing you in the Championship next season as it appears the destiny for both our clubs. I do wish you good luck for the rest of the season, although we don't seem to have much of that going spare at the minute...
Richard (only United, Spurs, City and Arsenal left to play during the run in. We're screwed...), Cambridge

With due deference to Martin, BRFC in the mailbox, can we now agree to officially describe this United season as a "festering turdberg"?

My new favourite expression (through gritted teeth).
Duckman MUFC

F*cking Edgar Davids
Matt G, London says pick on Barnet? I'll have you know we have played five, won five since F***ing Edgar Davids left last month. Time to revert to Moyes, Woodward, Rafael and all at Manchester United as the "joke" football team.
Rebecca Reece, Edgware

Jimmy Eat World Are 'Hardcore'? Really?
My friend and I decided to make a list of hardcore bands replacing one word with a footballers name.

For the sweet intersection of the F365 readership that likes hardcore, please enjoy:

10 Five Finger Death Puncheon
9 A-debayor To Remember
8 Senses Bale
7 Bring Messi The Horizon
6 Jimmy Bullard Eat World
5 Riise Against
4 The Devil Wears Pogba
3 A Skrtel Drive
2 From First to Larsson
1 Jimmy Bullard For My Valentine

Yes, we used Jimmy Bullard twice - but that man deserved more.
John (best of the rest was My Chemical Roman Abramovich), Dublin

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Mails: It's Not Entertainment, It's Sport...

When did we start getting the idea that football was an entertainment business? It's about winning and winning alone. We also have some defences of Louis van Gaal...

Do England Need Scholes, Lineker Etc?

They've all got ideas about where things are going wrong, so why don't they step up and help? Plus, we have lots of fall-out from the dullness of Holland v Argentina...

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