Suarez Would Be Doing Porridge...

Suarez would have been banged up for his bite, according to one magistrate's mate in the Mailbox. We also have praise for referees, and Man United: ruining football since 2013...

Last Updated: 27/06/14 at 11:10

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Take Him Down
When discussing the Suarez business, a lot of people have speculated on what would have happened had this happened in the street, outside a pub, perhaps. Well, I happen to work with a magistrate, and what she said actually shocked me.

Firstly, Suarez would not just have been charged with assault. The biting, if proven, means the charge would have been Actual Bodily Harm (ABH), and because it was a third offence, I'm afraid Luis would be off to the cells. At least six months, probably twelve, coupled with what's called high level Community Service, meaning 180-200 hours worth.

So yes, he did get off lightly. Now, what are the odds on the Uruguayans, out of some misguided persecution complex, doing something stupid in protest? T-shirts? A protest at the next game? Should be fun, whatever happens.

Paul Quinton,Wolves

Marilyn Monroe Could've Been Talking About Suarez...
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
James/Ginge, Southend

Happy Wife, Happy Life
Now that Suarez has a ban I suppose he'll have time to chill with his family and discuss his actions. If I had to go home to Mrs JazGooner and tell her I'd been suspended for biting a colleague then I'm fairly sure I would at the very least be given the 'stare'. My wife, being a teacher, is very good at the stare so don't under-estimate it.

Anyway, my point is perhaps he needs a ball-breaking wife to stop him acting like a twunt as I know I'd be biting people left right and centre if it wasn't for her indoors. Maybe he could borrow her to experience the stare?
JazGooner (I love the rumour about the bite being a tribute to his dog that had died that day)

What's The Harm?
Had Luis Suarez made the now infamous, yet completely innocuous, marks on Chiellini's shoulder with say his fingernails would he be banned from all footballing related activity for four months?

People have been quick to point out that Mike Tyson got banned from boxing, initially for life but later reduced to one year for biting the ear of Evander Holyfield. The fact that the mouth was used is about the only similarity in the two offences. In the same way you cannot compare Martin Taylor's tackle on Eduardo to any one of hundreds of bookable offences you see over the course of the year, you cannot compare what Suarez did to Chiellini to what Tyson did to Holyfield.

Tyson literally removed a huge chunk of Holyfield's ear and left the ring a bloody mess afterwards. Suarez on the other hand left a couple of small indentations on Chiellini's shoulder, didn't break skin, no sign of blood and definitely no need for corrective surgery. Chiellini wasn't out of the game for a year, as some players have been after horror tackles (Haaland, Eduardo, Wasilewski etc etc), he was in fact able to play on immediately after the incident. Now I understand that, as professional footballer, he should be some kind of role model and this wasn't his first offence but surely this ban is excessive.

It is a extremely weird trait that Suarez has picked up from god only knows where and although I wouldn't describe it as harmless and definitely not to be encouraged has anything he's done caused any real damage except to his own reputation.
Eoin Dublin

Red Missed
So, some people are saying that because Suarez committed the offence playing for Uruguay he shouldn't be banned for Liverpool. When Maradonna was caught using performance enhancing drugs at USA '94 he was banned from all football. Isn't this analagous?
Sam, London

Sticky Situation
Let's not be too harsh on Luis. My son went through a biting stage which was quite distressing (for the other kids in his nursery). We tried a range of punishments and eventually after six months he grew out of it so by his third birthday the problem was eradicated. We found a reward chart particularly useful, maybe Liverpool should give him a sticker every day he doesn't bite someone.
Shane Lynch, St Albans

Peak Performer
I have always been a bit dubious about the argument that "the greatest players do it on the biggest stage", but the events of the last few days have really shown that to be true.

After proving himself in the Eredivisie, making the step up to the Premier League and now biting a man at the highest level, there is now no doubt that Luis Suarez is the biggest twunt in world football right now.
Chris (credit to my girlfriend for that one), Manc

Man's Game
Oliver Dziggel commented that there's no precedent, that it's harsh to apply a long ban for biting relative to head butting for instance. Probably very true.

I've also heard a lot of (mostly hyperbolic) commentary on the subject. The most sensible remark was that both biting and head butting are totally unacceptable. However, it's really getting on my goat when people are genuinely trying to convey that head butting etc is worse than biting.

Hopefully most readers haven't ever been in a proper scrap, you know, more than the after school fisty cuffs. However if you have, you will know that biting is the lowest of the lows. It's just not as gentlemanly as smashing a fist into your foe's face. It's not as clean as a dig to the ribs. It's just damn right sly, and as anyone who's been on the receiving end of a bite in a proper scrap will know, it's bloody scary not knowing if you could have caught something or of they have done some serious damage.

Yes I'm talking about a proper bite, taking a good chunk from the other chap, which Suarez clearly did not, but the principle remains. If you go for a bite it's below the belt. It's the lowest of the lows. Similar to spitting. Often people get more wound up by someone spitting in their face than they do someone throwing a punch. It's a principles thing.

If you want to fight, fight like a man. If not, f*** off.
Andy B, RFC.

Germ Warfare
It's pretty simple: You don't spread diseases with a leg breaker!
Alex (if you can't beat em, eat em), Alex

Group Of Death
Having been out of the Champions League for a little while, presumably Liverpool's UEFA coefficient thingy will have dropped somewhat, meaning they won't be seeded and may get a very difficult group, much like Man City did in the last few years. Does anybody fancy them to progress without their only world class player for three of the six matches?

Win At All Costs
Let's hope that Wayne stomps on Cahill's foot, and grabs Ivanovic's balls next season when were we are mired in a dull 0-0 stalemate with Chelsea. Thus opening up enough space to walk through on goal, and score a WINNER!

I would just worship that day, when the millions and millions of outraged rivals fans, frantically scream at us about "how dare you something-something it's a gents game". No it's not you precocious little t***s. It's the most lower-middle class mainstream sport around! Embrace the win-at-all-costs-yes-even-filthy-costs once in a while lads.

It's sort of how your ancestors got you here - by being a bigger dickhead than the caveman next to them. Two starving freezing families and only one animal to eat, Suarez (I know his ancestry is south American but the principle stands) eats, others don't and they die out. He isn't mentally disturbed, he just relies on his latent animal instincts to push himself and his team to three points if at all possible.

Speaking of, I thought that retaliation was worse than initial offence? Beckham gets sent off for tapping Diego in response to a foul; Chiellini gets nothing for a vicious elbow, because he was so "seriously assaulted"?
Manc in SA (This is how you play TO WIN. Not just running 25KM. Sod the moral compass too, this is sport not the church or politics)

Praise For Referees
This is definitely my favourite World Cup and there has been many highlights but I think my favourite thing has been the refereeing.

There seems to have been a clear instruction to the refs that every foul doesn't need to be a yellow card and when the red has needed to be shown like with Pepe, Valencia and Defour they have been. Of course there have been a few dodgy decisions but that's part and parcel of football. Hopefully next they will begin to clamp down a bit harder on the play acting and diving.

With a bit of luck Northern Ireland can join the party sometime soon.
Sam, Northern Ireland

Fair Play
I watched the Belgium v South Korea game last night. Not the best game, not the worst. A few good efforts. Quite enjoyable.

But the thing that impressed me the most was the way both teams treated the game. From memory there was no feigning injury and no harassing the referee (even after what should have been a penalty for Belgium early on and a sending off which didn't seem all that bad even on replay). Both teams just got on with it. It was refreshing to watch.

Don't give me the line that players play with passion and that it's a 'working-class' game. That's nonsense. It takes very little effort to respect the referee and your opponents and both Belgium and South Korea should be applauded.
Paul Jones.

Rickie Situation
Should we now change it's all coming up Milhouse, to it's all coming up Lambert now?
Dave, Dublin

Audio Pleasure
So the big question from this World Cup - has anyone noticed how different the crowd noises are compared to the English game?

Is it just because national teams rarely have songs so everyone just makes random noise? Even the moments like a shot whistling past the post sound different though - instead of an "ooooohhhhh" there's more of a "arghaooohshaahdsah"

It's weird, I'm telling you.
Minty, LFC

Tell The Truth
Bacary Sagna is one of the greatest right backs Arsenal have ever had. He was a loyal servant, he gave 200% in every game and, after eight years of service, has decided to move on to Manchester City to see off the rest of his career.

I'm in no way cheesed off about the move, the man is close to retirement so I can't say we lost a talented prospect with years ahead of him. What I am angry at though, is the recent comment he made, trying to explain the move and make it sound like he didn't actually move for the £140,000 pay cheque, but that he moved because he needed and wanted a change.

Do you think we're stupid Bac? It doesn't take a year of contract negotiations, only for them to fail, if the only reason you want to leave is for ''change''. You wanted to move for money, and why the hell not? I would too. I'm sure everyone would love to receive an insanely high wage just before their retirement. But there is no need to paint yourself like some Saint who doesn't do things for the money.

No matter what you say, us Gooners know you moved for the dough. We still love you though, so no need to make up excuses.

Rant over.
Malcolm, AFC

The United Way
Marouane Fellaini £27.5million; Juan Mata £37.1m; Ander Herrera £29m; Luke Shaw £30m

Manchester Uniteds last four signings, but it's City that's ruining football!
DC (MUFC incindentally), Dublin

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