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Poetry Corner...Kind Of
How do I hate Man United?

Let me count the ways...

Their arrogance is unsurpassed.

Just looking at Ronaldo makes me want to puke.

Then there is facepubes Neville.

Before them there was Cantona.

Then there is the morgue-like stadium of theirs.

Then there is their obscene wealth.

Then its the caricature of a human being called Alex Ferguson.

There are so many reasons to hate this Megalith of a Club - but of all of them, surely Marky Bufton, MUFC is the finest, most compelling reason of all.

His letter is so brash, so condescending and so pompous that I had to read it twice just to make sure I had the whole thing right.

Now I know the mailbox is alot of fun and we all enjoy it, but to bash a man over what he earns, and then bleat on and on about the difference between 30 million and twelve thousand quid or whatever smacks of more then arrogance Mr Bufton - its just plain rude. But it's not your fault - it is symptomatic of your club as a whole. Marky Bufton is just another Johnny-come-lately, loadsa money, hedge-fund gambling, BMW M3 Driving, Jaegerbomb dropping, Bulgari wearing, ass waxing twat - who has been brought up watching Sky News with another million or so twats who call themselves fans. These people have no concept of money, and even less idea of football.

There is only one winner Marky, so merry-f**ken-christmas - its you at the moment. The rest of us are just in it for the ride. Watching our football (or trying our best!), loving our team and just getting by. But let me tell you something my boy, things turn, and I hope that when you find yourself short of something in life, you don't find yourself confronted by a 'Marky Bufton' in your path to achieve it or find it - 'cos then you're f**ked.

Many thanks,
Mark Cohen, Not a multi millionaire.


Here's An Opening Sentence Mark Cohen WIll Love
Has the average IQ of the nation dropped over the weekend or are all ABUs just bitter? Ok I am a Man Utd supporter and may see the whole thing through slightly rose-tinted specs but I like to think I can see both sides of an argument in most cases. However, this whole comparing the Ronaldo saga to the Berbatov "tapping up" thing just doesn't seem to make sense.

Has Fergie told the United dressing room Berbatov has been signed? No!

Has he told random United supporting celebrities Berbatov has been signed? No!

Has he said he's got a house ready for Berbatov for when he moves? No!

Has he publicly speculated about how much more money he will earn at Utd? No!

Have they been seen in public together supposedly in secret discussing terms (a la A. Cole)? No!

Has he been blatantly using one particular newspaper as a mouthpiece to unsettle the player? No! (although apparently the Sun have dropped a b*llock and made the deal easier)

All Ferguson has said that he has made a bid and he is confident it will go through. What the hell is wrong with that? United did make a bid so he's stating a fact and he is confident he will sign the player after making this bid. This is hardly tapping up is it?

I mean I'm confident I will leave work before 5.30 tonight, it doesn't mean the boss isn't going to ask me to stay on.

It's hardly hypocrisy. (The mailbox compiler invites you to check out this, though...)
Ben ~MancManYoo~ Birchenall


...The actual story of the quotes is this: The quotes were printed on the Norwegian fansite as pointed out, a few of the moderators of that site also post on the United forum Redcafe.net. These guys posted the story with a mention of Berbatov on the same forum. Now, Neil Custis is known to pick Utd stories from Redcafe which is what he did in this case again.

And to all the people having a pop at Fergie; Utd have made a bid, Ramos is willing to sell and there have been no "public comments" from anyone in the United hierarchy. Comparing it to the Ronaldo situation is idiocy which is to be expected from supporter of clubs who have spent their whole life being jealous of the status quo. Surprisingly (or not so), fans of smaller clubs have been more understanding of the situation(which is Levy misleading the Spud fans by making a statement of disgraceful clubs like Utd and Liverpool stealing their best players).
Anon


...I've been monitoring the distinct lack of transfer activity over the summer months, and I genuinely can't understand what O'Neill and Levy are complaining about. I mean, do Villa really think that Barry would find out from his agent that Villa have rejected a bid for him, but only become unsettled once he reads about it in The Sun?

I mean, who really cares whether or not Ferguson or Benitez say anything to the media about it? What effect does it really have? if Man Utd are interested in and subsequently bid for Berbatov, is Levy seriously trying to suggest that they would only be succesful because the Daily red tops have quoted Sir Alex making some comments on the potential transfer?

I must admit that I am potentially biased here, as I desperately want Liverpool to sign Keane and I desperately don't want Liverpool to sign Barry for that kind of money. However, I surely can't be alone in thinking that the reason for any potential departures from Villa or Spurs will be entirely due to Liverpool's interest in the player, and not in fact due to the report on page 57 of the Daily Star.

I remember when Owen signed for Madrid, they had been courting him for a couple of seasons with whoever the president was at the time openly stating his interest in signing him. Houllier was not apoplectic with rage at the sheer fact that someone had mentioned his player to the paper, and as a devoted fan, neither was I. I was quite upset when he left, however I felt that the reason for his departure was probably the opportunity to play for Real Madrid, and that he would have taken that decision regardless of any comments made by a Real Madrid source.

Robbie Keane and Gareth Barry want to play for Liverpool because Liverpool are better than Villa and Spurs. They have more chance of success at Liverpool, and will get to play Champions League football immediately. That fact will not change irrespective of how public Liverpool's pursuit of the players is. Liverpool are currently bigger than both of those clubs, and currently offer a better opportunity for the players involved. They would want to leave irrespective of the media involvment in the transfer.

The same is even more true of Utd, who as an even bigger club, would turn any player's head if they made a bid, public or private. To me, all three saga's portray medium sized clubs behaving like spoiled brats because their players want to leave. Either that, or they are using the media to turn their supporters against Liverpool and Utd, so that when they sell their best players, they don't end up with the situation outside St James Park when Newcastle sold Cole in 1995.

In short, it's boring, it's pathetic, nobody wants to read about it really, sell the players or shut the hell up.
Rick Cook

Hurrah For The Wall
Read the news today that Claude Makelele has left Chelsea on a free transfer and looks likely to head to PSG.

I would just like to take a moment to note the departure of a foreign player who I believe has made an almost as big an impact on these shores as Zola, Bergkamp, Henry and Cantona. He has literally redefined the holding midfielder role in the Premier League.
John Lestourgeon, West London


The Best Players Don't Necessarily Make The Best Partnerships
Firstly Dan Collier doesn't get the point. He asks why Liverpool fans don't want a quality player like Robbie Keane. It's not always about quality, the fact is Gerrard and Torres forged a wicked partnership last season and if Keane comes along then Gerrard goes back to centre-midfield where he is weaker and the partnership is broken up, thus despite Keane being a great player it's a bad signing. It's like me as a Man Utd fan, whilst I do agree Berbatov is a world-class player I don't particularly want him as that kind of player never really works at Man Utd. A quick agile skilful striker that can play wide is what we need, not a complete centre-forward.

Secondly, Mark S BRFC seems to get his knickers in a twist because Man Yoo and Chelski fans that worry about their best players leaving aren't just accepting it because Blackburn are in a worse state of affairs. In that case you can't moan because Luton are worse off than you. Stupid point by I'd like to think not a stupid person. Why should I as a Man Utd fan not worry about Ronaldo leaving because half of your squad is, what's that got to do with me? Very silly!
Bradley Kirrage, Dartford



Everyone Likes Seeing Footballers Get Hurt, After All
In response to Ben van Landingham's suggestion of keeping players who appear to be injured on the touchlines for a minimum of five minutes - the problem with such a rule is that it would give the players a large incentive to try and injure each other in the tackle.

Actually that does sound quite good.
Andrew Grant (I know you'll print this, you printed my last one)


...So Ben Van Landingham's idea to cut out the injury feigning cheats is 'Delayed Medical Attention'. I suppose the players could live with that - oh hang on, they couldn't as they could die! Extreme and rare circumstances obviously but do you remember the Carling Cup final were Diaby gave JT something to really cry about when he kicked him in the head? In the past footballers have collapsed and died on the pitch plus if the JT being kicked in the head is can be used as an argument against your proposal you know you've got it wrong!

Now that I've rubbished your idea, time for my own. To avoid feigning injuries the physio should be allowed to enter the field of play without the game stopping. The majority of players taking advantage of the current rules, and the most frustrating for football fans are when the striker lies injured 60 yards from play after losing possession or when a winger is rolling in agony two yards from the touchline. In these circumstances a physio could come on and treat the player and not be in the way. Obviously if it's a goal mouth scramble/awkward fall/Eduardo style break the ref can make a judgment call, but these situations are the exceptions not the rule.

The possible draw backs could be the physio getting in the way of play, however I would imagine this would be a rarity. The media are often citing Rugby as an example to take innovation from, either with their referee/captain approach or the TV replays but this is a rule that works smoothly in rugby and is worth piloting in football. The FA could simply trial this in a youth tournament or the lower league for a season and have the refs note in their reports how often the physio disrupted play.

Look forward to someone rubbishing my idea and coming up with something better
Brian McCart, Belfast


...This has been p***ing me off for years. And though Ben's in the right ballpark here, you can't leave a genuinely injured player down without assistance. It's why the ref stops play straight away if he believes it's a head injury. It's just not worth the risk, and I'm sure players like Petr Cech would agree there.

Forget the camera replays etc ideas from rugby. There's one idea they use, that would require no re-search into whether it would work. Just implement it straight away.

If a player is injured and is unable to leave the field of play, the team physio should be allowed to enter the pitch to attend to him. While this happens the game continues around them. (I know I've heard people go on about this rule before, I just can't understand why it's not been introduced)

Yes I'm sure people will say if it's a genuine injury then the team would be at an unfair advantage. But would they really? Now if it's a genuine injury, the player leaves the pitch and the game carries on anyway until they are ready to return or a substitute is made.

So players who are faking injury should then just be hindering their own team. And by getting up and trying to carry on, I'm sure we'll get some more hobbling heroes on the pitch. As they bravely battle on to try and help their team until a suitable break in play to get treatment.

Obviously though, I think I'd still leave in the head injury and blood spilt should stop the game and the Ref should call this. But I'm only saying that I we live in a health and safety mad world.

But other than that I can't see what the problem of doing this would be.
John Goy, Pembrokeshire


Someone Had To Say It
Austin Rock's email was a disgrace to the English language and football in general. Why on earth did you print it anyway? If he couldn't be bothered to put the correct grammar in, you could have at least done it for him. And to insinuate that Fergie was being racist was a little suspect too. Levy is a cretin and everyone knows it - he is a PR disaster waiting to happen. I'm not a grammar Nazi, but I object to having to read a letter three times because the person who wrote it is basically illiterate.

Ridiculous. And to think that he has a son. Poor lad doesn't stand a chance.
Jonny


Normally When People Call John Nich Interesting They're On Drugs...
Interesting article by John Nicholson about the way technology has influenced football, although I think he doesn't go far enough.

I grew up in the 80s in London and then later Bristol. When I was at school, especially in Bristol, lots of lads would claim to 'support' Liverpool, ManYoo and, to a lesser extent, Spurs, Everton, Arsenal or whoever. Nothing unusual about that. Thing was, pre-Sky, the only team that were ever regularly on the box were the scousers so if you followed a non-local team you had to get by on newspaper reports, gossip at school or magazines like 'Shoot!'

This was all fine, but it was badly lacking in the social aspect that football is really about, so as soon as we were out of school, had a bit of cash and were able to make our own decisions, we went and found a way to go and watch football for real, or just gave up on it.

Most of the lads I know ended up supporting the local sides and I've been to watch football with all of them at some point: Crystal Palace, Millwall, Barnet, Reading, Exeter, Plymouth, Bristol City and even Chelsea (pre-Abramovich). For myself, when I moved back to London I got a season ticket to the Arsenal as soon as I could.

The point is that had things stayed the same it would have been pretty unusual - sad even - to run into one of the old Bristol lads and find out that at the age of 30 he was still mad for Leeds or ManYoo while living in Bristol and following them through teletext, the newspapers and the occasional Sunday on 'The Big Match' - but with the changes in technology this seems to be exactly what is happening.

TV and broadband allows the armchair fan to have a home and away season ticket to Liverpool or ManYoo now, giving them a level of perceived involvement that surpasses 90% of the terrace fans. And due to the self-serving nature of the media in stirring and then publicising controversy, you often come home from a game to find that you actually missed the big talking point either during or after the match.

The internet then provides fans from any background or vantage point a forum to cyber-socialise and rant; forming clubs of like-minded fans to debate any issue from any point of knowledge, or ignorance, indiscriminately. People can now fulfil the social aspect of football without ever going to a game; the pubs in Bristol are full of bumpkin accented scousers and Chavski fans - they know the mind of the real fans because they discuss the games on terracebullsh*t.com - and no-one thinks there is anything wrong with this anymore.

These fans take support away from local teams and drive up the adult fanbases and prices of a handful of teams that then become elitist and inaccessible to the people who are actually in their core support - especially children. But mostly they are missing the point; football is supposed to be a good day out for the lads - you might win, you might lose, but you have a laugh with your mates all the same. I reckon that a majority of football fans now watch most of their football on their own on TV, then log on and rant about it to their virtual mates.

I know people move about - I have myself. I know people live abroad. I know people feel they could never change allegiance, but it's better to actually belong to something real - even something small - than to have to keep bullsh*tting yourself that you have a stake in something that essentially exists entirely without your input, don't you think?
Max Benjamin (and yes, I know that whinging about this online is hypocritical)


Harry Redknapp In Bad Transfer Behaviour Shocker
Was that Harry Redknapp talking about his wish to sign SWP before making an official offer i saw this morning. Very similar to the way he was rattling on about admiring Crouch for most of the summer. Shouldn't someone report him to the FA for tapping up, or does that only happen when Spurs want to throw their toys out of the pram?
Jon M, Durham


Fanmail For Leon
Please, please, please never let Leon (Not sure what 'case in point' actually means or when to use it) Mende, LFC have another letter printed in the mailbox ever, ever, ever again as there's not enough hours in the day to read to the end of a letter that tedious and long. Pretty please with a cherry on top.

Thank you in advance.
Cliff Mallinder



...Leon (Not sure what 'case in point' actually means or when to use it) Mende, LFC

Thank you so much for making my Monday so much lighter, I was working my way through your list of LFC transfers and spat my lunch out when I got to this bit :

"Peter Crouch, £7m - Became one of Europe's most feared strikers after surprisingly joining Liverpool. Sold for £11m (Success) (£4m)."

One of Europe's most feared strikers? This is the same Peter Crouch, isn't it? I can't stop laughing even now!

Then you total the little lot up and get a deficit of £78m and claim Benitez is the master of the transfer market!

Not sure about your success/unsuccesful key though as you list some of the transfers as a relative success, how does that work, surely it is one or the other?

Lastly, you have too much time on your hands to actually bother to research all these stats and write a monster of an email!

Thanks anyway, pure quality!
Anon



...The letter written by Leon (Not sure what 'case in point' actually means or when to use it) Mende, LFC has only reinforced my belief that Liverpool fans have the darkest shade of red tint on their goggles. His defence of Rafa's transfer policy only goes to show that Liverpool will not come close to the title this year, next year or whenever they proclaim it to be their year. How can he be so satisfied by mediocrity?

Going through his list of players, he has classified youngsters with bright futures as successes (Hobbs, Anderson, Martin, El Zhar, Insua, Plessis, Duran). Of those that he named, how many have actually started a Premiership game more than a handful of times? He then calls Aurelio a success too, thats like calling Saha a success. Benayoun is another success that stumps me, I thought success meant first-team player not 6.5/10 substitute. Same goes for Fowler.

Relative successes look like a who's who of crap (Voronin, Itandje, Josemi, Zenden). But of course, the one that takes the cake is the description of Crouch - became one of Europe's most feared strikers after surprisingly joining Liverpool. Gawd, I'm still wiping the tears of laughter from my cheeks. Makes me wonder why Milan, Barca et al didn't rush in to sign him when they are willing to give even Adebayor (one big season, even bigger ego) a look. So please Leon, i hope your expectations never change if not there will be no one left to entertain me when I read the mailbox.
Aaron (take me home, Utd road)



....I actually don't think I've ever wanted to punch my monitor with such anger as I did when reading the mail from that complete and utter c*nt, Leon Mende.

Why is it no-one seems to be as blinkered as Liverpool fans?! Seriously, his breakdown of Liverpool signings was so ridiculous, I could barely believe the guy was being serious. Here are a few of the highlights:

David Martin, Free - Youth goalie just signed new four year deal. (Success) (£0) - Sorry, how does that make him a success exactly?

Paul Anderson, Free - Youngster who will make the grade, if not for us then after being sold for a good fee to someone else. (Success) (£0) - How can you possibly predict he'll be sold for a good fee?! And what qualifies as making the grade? Conference football?

Nabil El Zhar, Free - Youngster who will definitely play Premiership, for someone. (Relative success) (£0) - Nice guess!

Charles-Hubert Itandje, Free - Back up goalie. Played for first team and looked decent. (Relative success) - Errr, no he didn't.

Ryan Babel, £11m - Big things expected. (Success) (-£11m) - Expected! So how is he already a success?!

Mohamed Sissoko, £5.3m - Immense in first two seasons, only sold because of excellent Mascherano. Sold for almost £10m (Success) (+£4m) - No, he was sold because he was found out as a more leggy version of Didier 'every second touch is a tackle' Zokora.

Antonio Nunez, Free - Makeweight in Owen transfer, only used as back up. Scored in League cup final. (Relative success) (£0) - So one important (ish, you still lost!) goal, makes him a success? Jesus Christ... (same applies to Bellamy).

Just admit it, Benitez makes just as many (though in my opinion, a lot more) mistakes in the transfer market as other managers, and stop looking for the most pathetic reasons to try and justify otherwise. As a Spurs fan, I think I'll tell everyone that Paolo Tramezzani was a success, as despite being unbelievably sh*t, he did some good modelling work in the Spurs catalogue. Boosted the sales of Spurs bathrobes, so a fine signing.

Believe me, the anger in this email far outstrips the one you printed from 'Lord Misery'!
Tom Evans, Ware