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Sporting For Girls
Something horrible has happened. A clawing realisation has just hit me - the football season is underway and its impending ubiquity has left me utterly downhearted. And it's all the fault of women.
First, to the football. When United and Pompey squared off on Sunday afternoon you'd be forgiving for thinking football was way down the agenda of things for the two clubs to get up to for a couple of hours on a nice, plush pitch in North London. If you read the papers about proceedings it's quite possible to come to the conclusion that both sides turned up, shouted at a man wearing black, argued with each other, possibly stamped on one another a little bit, then went and met some journalists to tell them that the man in black was a tossclown, that they had good reason to spend good energy arguing with the other team and that they actually had/n't stamped all over each other after all.
Overall, 22 men took to the biggest stage in their sport to so something thousands would do for free but for which they receive millions of pounds a year and gave the impression that they hadn't enjoyed a single f***ing second of the whole thing. Something similar will be repeated up and down the country over the next ten months of 'The Greatest League In The World' as bad losers, bad winners and bad no-score-drawers go about their business. They will only be united by three things - one) nothing will be their fault, two) they won't seem to have much fun at all and three) they'll all be men.
Contrast this with the early hours of Monday morning and a swimming pool in Beijing. In it, the women's 400 metre freestyle final was led for 399 metres by Katie Hoff, an American. Tragically for this young lady, the only metre she didn't lead was the last one - that was the entire period of the race in which a teenager from Mansfield was on even terms and then, in the dying inches, a fingernail in front. If you ever get the chance, and if you haven't already, watch the video of Adlington just as she's finished the race. She turns to the giant scoreboard and there's a second, maybe not even half a second, where her face changes- first confusion, then disbelief then sheer, naked happiness. Then she realises her best mate came third and the whole proces starts again. In a few tenths of a second she gets through more emotion than David Tennant is currently managing in three hours of playing Hamlet. If the Russians and Georgians could only get a chance to watch those few frames of footage they'd realise that the world really isn't worth fighting over and they'd all just hug and kiss and decide to get along. I dare say a few members of the opposing sides would gay up and toast this new era of Adlington-inspired peace in their own most private juices.
Anyway, it was one of the most amazing pieces of sport I'd ever witnessed and was easily the greatest swimming race I'd ever seen. And it maintained that lofty position for, ooooh, about four minutes. Then the men's 4x100m relay happened in which the USA, from what seemed like a mile behind in the closing stages, overhauled the French squad in a finish that made the gap between Adlington and Hoff seem like a yawning chasm. 0.03 seconds, to be exact. For an illustration, try blinking and the time it takes you to do it will be about 4 times longer than that time. But whereas Adlington and Jackson had celebrated their medals with smiles, hugs and the potential emotional outpouring to create bum-jousting Russian soldiers, the victorious American men stood on the side of the pool and yelled. Long and hard, fists clenched and eyes bulging (I think their eyes were bulging, some of them still had goggles on) they yelled, screamed and shouted at no-one in particular and everyone in attendance. hey celebrated for themselves, they congratulated each other but they never, never once, smiled. If there is such a thing as angry joy, this was it in action because there seemed to be very little happiness in evidence. They looked like something horrible had happened and they'd survived - like a spot of ethnic cleansing or a plane crash. If I'd have been stuck in the trenches of World War One and heard about the Armistice, I'd have reacted like they did. If I'd have won a swimming race, I like to think I'd have been chuffed instead.
And if the men of the sporting world make dreadful winners, they're infinitely worse at the character-building (i.e. s***-eating) discipline of losing. Let's go back to that women's race and Katie Hoff who, and there's no need to whitewash this, shagged it up good and proper. She had the ultimate goal in her sporting existence within her grasp and someone else snatched it away. Forever. I could say it was a kick in the teeth, but at least if you do get kicked in the teeth you can get some dentures. Hoff will never be able to trick anyone into thinking she's anything other than the girl who lead for 99.75% of an Olympic final and didn't win. And she knew exactly whose fault it was - hers. She congratualted the Brits, took full responsibility for her failure and left with grace and humility, even though her post-medal-ceremony lap of honour was often spent alone as photographers clammered for the photo of the two British medals.
Hours later, in the exact same pool, a man by the name of Blake Aldridge had, like Hoff, failed to achieve what he was capable of and, rather than accept what had happened, instead pinned the blame fully and squarely on the shoulders of his partner. Who happens to be a 14-year-old boy. The event in question was the Men's 10 metre Synchronised Diving final - a discipline which espouses unity, teamwork and harmony. Until, it seems, you get it wrong at which point it's suddenly every man (it's never woman, is it?) for himself. In the event itself, Aldridge and his young partner Tom Daley had been doing well until the tension got to one or both of them on the final dive which went marginally, which at this level is the same as saying 'horribly', wrong and they plummeted down the rankings into last place. The subsequent interviews saw Aldrdige explain that he'd dived well himself, performed well, not been affected by the moment, not tensed up etc, etc, etc. In other words, he was saying it's a team game and his team had f***ed up. It wasn't his fault. His partner had committed the sin of being over-awed by the world's biggest sporting event at an age when most members of the same gender were still sat in their bedrooms listening to apalling music and furiously masturbating like a chimp in a safari park. How dare he? Aldridge proved that men in sports can do anything as apart of a team apart from the toughest thing of all- lose.
And that's exactly the sort of attitude that caused me on Sunday, for the first time ever, to actually realise that the football season had started and become thoroughly depressed. From now till next May the back pages will be dominated by man after man explaining how - despite what the scoreline or anyone with eyes might suggest - they'd been robbed, cheated and swindled by other men who had the sheer gumption to be better than them at something. How they're 'slaves' because they signed a contract to be paid £100,000 a week for kicking a ball about but have now decided they want to kick a ball about somewhere else instead. How they've slowed an incident down to micro-second frames from a million different angles and realised after painstaking analysis that the man who saw it at full speed on one occasion from one viewpoint got it hopelessly, horribly, irredeemably wrong and should be hung, drawn and quartered as a result. How they played well and 'deserved to win' despite failing to score in an hour and a half and being stopped from doing so by a goalkeeper who had the temerity to do what he gets paid for.
They will, basically, be complete and utter t***s and I can't help but think that it's purely a product of their gender. But please, whatever you do, don't tar me with the same brush as them. I'm not like Premiership footballers, manic American swimmers or bitter British divers. We may be members of the same sex but I couldn't help it. It couldn't possibly be my fault.
Because I'm a man.
Matt Taylor, Warrington
Arsenal A Great Starting XI? Are You Sure?
Will someone please explain to me how Mr Gill sees Arsenal's starting XI as 'excellent and arguably the equal of any other in the league'.
Assuming: Almunia, Sagna, Clichy, Gallas, Toure, Diaby, Fabregas, Nasri, Walcott, Van Persie and Adebayor is the starting XI he's talking about, I see no player in there besides Fabregas that would get consistent games in the full-strength United or Chelsea team, even Fabregas would be uncertain in Chelsea given the strength in that area. For Liverpool, I can only see the full-backs pushing the starting eleven, with the possibility of shunting Van Persie onto the left wing.
Working this famous argument the other way round, the following players would be guarenteed to walk into Arsenal's starting XI in their 4-4-2 formation: Reina/Cech/Cudicini/Van der Saar, Carvalho/Rio/Vidic, Essien/Mikel/Ballack/Xabi Alonso/Gerrard/Mascherano/Carrick/Hargreaves, J.Cole/Ronaldo/Giggs/Nani, Drogba/Rooney/Torres.
In the credit of most Arsenal fans I know, none of them have gone around shouting about how good their team is and how they will challenge, as they have clearly spotted how inferior their team is in comparison to their main rivals.
So Mr Gill and any sensible Arsenal fans out there. Please explain what I am missing and where your title winning players are going to come from.
Lawrence, South-West London
Fit And Proper Person? Not Scudamore Anyway
It's great to see that some things never change. Last season Newcastle were the laughing stock of the league, but Man City want their title back and they're doing it in spectacular style. Their owner and his missus are facing numerous counts of corruption charges and are basically banished from their home land for fear of imprisonment on their return...Brilliant stuff City!!!
I haven't just wrote in to have a good chuckle at City (a nice bi-product though it is). I am more focused on the Premier League and Scudamore in particular. He has released a statement that, "The Premier League will not sit idly by and will request information on Shinawatra from the Foreign Office to see if he has broken any rules and will enforce their fit and proper persons test for the first time if irregularities are found."I have one question for the plank that is Scudamore...
Do you not think it would have been a good idea to put your 'fit and proper persons test' to good use before he actually bought the club and told the slimeball to f*** off???
What is the point in having these rules if you don't stop people buying clubs and try and do it retrospectively? I mean, what can they do about it now? They can't force him to sell as nobody may want to buy it and if they impose sanctions on City for his alleged law-breaking that would seem to be a bit unfair. Yet again it's a classic example of incompetent and amateur management at the very highest levels of our game.
Finally, does anyone know where I can get information on what this 'fit and proper persons' test they are supposed to have in place actually says???
Tim (come on Newcastle, you're not going to take this lying down are you?) Collins
City And Scared...
Looks like we're in a spot of bother at my beloved Man City then. What I can't believe is that we've hardly paid a penny for any of last seasons or this seasons signings, it's been small down payments with the promise of the rest to follow. Coupled with the fact that we appear to be struggling to pay wages, never mind transfer fees, it looks like we're in trouble. Hughes is obviously not happy with the situation and why should he be? Out last manager, the revered Sven, has a major role in this downfall as well. Look at the money he's wasted last year on players like Bianchi, Castillo, Calcieda, and Benjani - 3 of the 4 had a huge transfer fee attached and all earn high wages. None of them are any good or make the first team regularly (maybe Benjani aside). If we haven't even paid the transfer fees for all these garbage centre forwards why are we going out and buying Jo for £20m that we don't have? Get rid of the dead wood first for christs' sake. I don't so much fear for us this season as we have an ok team, but if we start advertising the fact that we have no money and need to sell players we're not going to get a good price on them. Of all the players to try and offload they pick one of our stand-out defenders (Corluka) and our best passer (Ireland), and the rumours are circulating about us selling Johnson who's just turned down a new deal. Frankly, I'm a little scared...
I must admit I was really pleased when Frank took us over and thought we'd be in the top 6 before not too long, looks like we've danced with the devil and got burned. If he f*cks off now we're screwed, even if he stays we're not looking too good as the guy appears to be full of s**t, promising us the world yet it doesn't appear he's actually the one funding any of these transfers. It's all debt in the club's name, and with his assets frozen that doesn't make for a stable future. We may even have done an Italian team at the turn of the millennium and over spent to the point of not being able to recover.
What we need is one of them rich foreign owners to come and make everything better...
Dan 'Scared' Toomey, MCFC
Clichy For England...
Baring in mind all the criticism of Arsene Wenger's transfer policy, here's something ironic, whilst Alex Ferguson and the Man Utd academy hasn't produced a new England player of note (no, I don't count Kieran Richardson) in years. One of Arsene Wenger's prodigies and best full-backs in the world, Gael Clichy qualifies for English citizenship next month and due to being continually overlooked for the French national side would be eligible for England. In addition to this he could give Capello an excuse to drop one of the most detestable men in English football, that's what you call a win win situation.
Of course upon realising this Domonech will select him and try to gloss over the fact that he should never have overlooked him at EURO 2008.
Tom (Don't do it Gael, he's trying to trick you, he just doesn't want us to have you!) Creasey
A Sensible ManYoo Fan Writes...
To all my fellow Manchester United fans - we've done pretty well out of referees. We're not going to win this argument. Please don't even try and take the bait, you'll just make us look silly.
Thanks.
Jonny. Really hopes Mike Riley is still reffing Premiership fixtures
And Here Are Some ManYoo Ref Beefs
How about the Spurs match in Jan 2005 when we had a clear goal disallowed?
The lino and ref said they didn't see it cross the line but the fact that Roy Carroll had to dive INTO the goal to get the ball might have been a clue! Or all the Utd fans behind the goal with their heads in their hands.
The missed goal was so obvious it sparked another debate on using video technology.
Still haven't won at OT since '89. B***ards.
Brian Clancy, Spurs, (PS how's Marion?) Vancouver
...In response to George (not bitter at all) London, I thought I'd share an example of my own team's misfortune at the hands of Man U and their different set of rules.
Elland Road 03/03/2001 and Man U are in town - on the stroke of half-time with the score at 0-0, Man U 'keeper Fabian Barthez kicks out at Ian Harte to award Leeds a penalty and get himself sent off. Oh wait, no sending off? Of course not - this is Man Utd and they need Barthez on the pitch to save Harte's resultant penalty.
Midway through the second half and with Leeds well on top Man U do their usual Elland Road smash and grab with a goal from Luke Chadwick (of all people). Tired of dominating Man U at Elland Road and rarely coming away with three points this Leeds team are not to be denied. With around 10 minutes left Danny Mills (he was rather good once) scarpers up the right wing, crosses for Lee Bowyer (he was rather good once) to flick on and Mark Viduka (he was rather good once) heads home. 1-1, game on.
In he dying seconds of the game Harry Kewell (he was... okay I'll stop) finds Bowyer inside the area and his cross is turned into his own net by Wes Brown. Cue delerium inside Elland Road. Oh hang on that would mean Man Utd would lose. Can't have that, no goal. Offside? What, Wes Brown was? How can that be? Bowyer was? Nope. Oh Mark Viduka was? Er hang on a minute...
Alas Leeds are denied two points and miss out on Champions League football (and the money therein) by a single point. Oh what might have been.
Simon Cranston, LUFC
...Thought I'd share my story of "when my team got f***ed by Man United."
The first time Derby were in the Premier League (not the most recent season I'm still trying to supress!) we had a late season game against United in the 01-02 season whilst fighting relegation. We took the early lead early on, let in two as the game went on, but scored fairly late to equalise, both goals by Malcolm Christie. Toward the end of the game, Christie was blatantly punched in the head by Barthez (which wasn't given by referee Steve Dunn), but was disallowed the winning goal in injury time for (according to Dunn) "kicking the ball out of the goalkeeper's hands" when all Barthez had managed was a desperate clawing at the ball as Christie rounded him and finished. After the match, even Fergie admitted it should have been a goal!
These stories occur far more often around United than any other team, and as much as their fans want to believe it's because they are "picked on because they're one of the best", that doesn't explain why there are less incidents surrounding Chelsea, Arsenal, or Liverpool. I believe it's the fear factor. Ferguson has always attempted to influence the ref, and the "storm the ref complaining" tactic favored by the Terrys and Rooneys of today stemmed from Roy Keane, the Nevilles and others from that United team. I'm not an ABU man by any means, but I would be willing to bet that most fans will have more stories of the ref giving it to United than for any other team, sorry lads but it's more than coincidence.
Also: Retaliation will always be worse than a poor tackle, thus the media will report it. Which was worse, Carvalho pulling Rooney to the ground, or Rooney stepping on him?
Mike, Leamington
Imagine The Football Commentary Of The Future
I visited the underwhelming city of Leeds this past weekend, and me and my mate realised something quite depressing. The standard of BBC football commentary, or any football commentary, is going nowhere.
I've watched BBC and sky coverage of rugby and Sky's great coverage of the cricket for quite a while now, and I've realised that all the commentary on it is original and analytical. For the rugby they have one professional commentator type who is solid, who has most likely never played a game in his life, and then the have an ex-player who provides the back up analysis (BBC - Brian Moore; Sky - Stuart Barnes). Now bear with me, I know it's rugby, but the ex-player tells you concisely and exactly what happened and will most likely tell you something you hadn't realised because you have never played professionally. As for the cricket they have about six ex-players who all tell you s***-loads of stuff you wouldn't have a clue about otherwise.
This format just doesn't work when it comes to football. Motty is/was the pro-presenter type who, whilst chummy, is far from solid. Then, as has has been said before, Lawro offers nothing. Sky isn't much better, Martin Tyler has mastered the 'GERRARD' pant-moistening shout, and Andy Gray just bums everyone. The problem is ex-footballers just don't seem bright enough. Can you imagine the future breed of ex-player commentator/pundit? Rio - "Yeah bruv, Jack Wilshire has just merked the goalie, BRAP, BRAP"! They are all idiots.
The future of football commentary is bleak.
Chris, {What about these things?}, Manchester
Fanmail For James Norman
Of all the pointless whingeing that has been sent to F365 down the years I think James Norman may have topped it all. Perhaps he's been inspired by the Olympic ideal and decided to try and outdo all the other whingers who occassionally feel compelled to send an e-mail to a site that they say they don't like and that, critically, no-one forces them to read in the first place.
I can only assume that James is using an out-of-date browser or something if when he visits the Beeb's football website he misses the Gossip column. There's a clue in the name James. It's, like, full of 'stupid' gossip yeah?
If the more speculative stories about possible player moves are really the only thing that you can find to read on F365, rather than the articles about issues facing the game, match reports, and the various blogs, can I suggest that either learn to navigate your way around a website or f*ck off and read something else?
Ben (bit grumpy on Monday mornings) Smith
...In reply to James Norman who for some reason decided to write in to our beloved 365 mailbox and audaciously claim that it was inferior to BBC Sport on the basis that the BBC didn't have a 'silly gossip' section, I'd like to point out that it in fact does have one. Not only that, but the fundamental flaw to your point is that whereas 365 acknowledge half of their gossip page to be highly likely to be untrue, the BBC update theirs with new 'gossip' regularly throughout the today with gems such as today's classic (you guessed it) 'Henry to Utd' story.
Now James I don't write in that much, but if I were then it'd be for something constructive, and about football. Oh, hang on a minute...
Seriously though, what a helm...
Nathan (this is not intended to be a plug for the BBC by the way), CFC
Really Sick Of The Pro Mighty Terriers Bias
I'm fed up of the bias shown by F365 (really clever how you abbreviate Football to 'F'...not!!).
You are always taking the p*** out of Man U/Chelsea/Arsenal/Liverpool/Villa/Pompey/Everton/Blackburn/Spurs/Newcastle/Sunderland/Stoke/West Brom/Deby/Hull/Birmingham/Leeds/Sheffields United and Wednesday etc etc. In fact due to Ms Winterburn I've never read a bad word about Huddersfield. So please stop this pro-Hudderfield agenda or I'll delete the bookmark/forget the web address.
Oh yeah it's all to do with your Murdoch affinity.
Rich, London, Newcastle fan (you really pick on Newcastle etc)
