Mediawatch

The Numbers Game: Part One
Mediawatch would have assumed that Arsene Wenger's Masters in Economics would indicate that he has a rudimentary grasp of mathematics.

But then we read this quote from Le Professeur: "Our average age is 23 years and Chelsea's is 29 - I think that it showed in the decisive moments on the pitch."

Mediawatch took out its calculator, did the sums several times, and kept coming up with the average age of Arsenal's starting XI v Chelsea as 25.

And then we realised in a Eureka moment: Ah, he's not counting the 32-year-old Manuel Almunia as a footballer. Riddle solved.


The Numbers Game: Part Two
Mediawatch very much enjoyed Avram Grant's defence that his Thai masseur was a "rather old woman" so could not be a prostitute - tell that to Wayne Rooney, Avram.

But we cannot defend this optimism: "On the pitch we are doing very well, and when you look back over the years at the team at the bottom, you see a lot of differences from them to other teams but there's not a lot of difference between us and tenth."

16 points, Avram. According to our mathematics, that's quite a lot.


Propaganda
'Lawro got FIVE results right with TWO perfect scores,' trumpeted the BBC website on Mark Lawrenson's latest set of predictions.

Well done, Lawro. We take it all back. Except, wait a minute, we don't think Bolton beat Fulham 2-1, did they?

Mind you, in Lawrenson's head Fulham are always losing. In the table constructed from his predictions this season, they are just one point off the relegation zone. Mind you. they're in good company - Birmingham are doing just three points better.


Not The Brightest
'I know we've all become sick to death of the John Terry saga as it's dominated the front and back pages of the newspapers this past week...,' begins Mark Bright's column in the Metro on Tuesday morning.

Yes, you're right Brighty, we are. So what are you going to write about instead?

Oh, you're still going to write about John Terry? For a whole page? And add absolutely nothing of interest? Brilliant.


Expert Opinion Of The Week
From Mediawatch favourite Paul Merson ahead of Saturday's Merseyside demolition derby: 'There will be tackles flying in, but neither team has any kickers and if anybody does get sent off it won't be for anything malicious, maybe a couple of late tackles. I can't see this being a dirty game.'


Scarf Scarf
Never has an item of clothing created so much interest in the British media - not even Elizabeth Hurley's safety-pin dress. Roberto Mancini's scarf has taken on a life of its own, as the Daily Express can testify.

The headline on their Mancini story on Tuesday? 'Ambitious City eye change of scarf'.

Number of mentions of said scarf in story: Absolutely none. Zero. Zilch.

Has it got its own agent?


The Same Hymn Sheet
'Boozer, love cheat and drug-test dodger. Meet the NEW England captain Rio Ferdinand' - The Daily Mail online, February 6.

'Judge Rio Ferdinand on what he does now, not what he did then' - Martin Samuel in the Daily Mail, February 9.


Exclusively Nonsense
'Mark Hughes is being lined up by Turkey as their new national team boss,' is the 'exclusive' in the Daily Star.

Mediawatch was sure we'd read this somewhere before and by golly we were right - in the Daily Mirror on January 4: 'Mark Hughes has been offered a quick return to management - as boss of Turkey.'

Perhaps they meant it was the first time the story has been written this month.


Heartwarming Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A US strip club has raised almost $1,000 for earthquake victims by staging a charity 'Lap dances for Haiti' event. Marilyn's on Monroe, in Toledo, Ohio, donated all of its $10 cover charges for one day to the International Services of Hope charity' - Ananova moves Mediawatch. To Toledo.


Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Patrick Martin, Mitch Read, Neil Walters, Nizam Dorasat and Philip Holland. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at theeditor@football365.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.