Wright On The Money
First-class cobblers from Ian Wright in The Sun this morning.
The paper runs a double-page spread of mutual sycophancy, with Wrighty and Jermain Defoe carefully explaining how brilliant they both are.
Defoe tells of the important advice 'Wrighty' gives to him, with his interview given the headline 'Wrighty is full of top tips'.
And what are these top tips? Over to Ian: 'During our chats, I always tell Jermain how important it is to hit the target each and every time.'
Blimey. No wonder he's scoring goals.
Anyway, when he's not declaring that 'The days of having a big target man are over' (despite England qualifying for the World Cup at a canter with one), Wright offers his own thoughts on Defoe's England prospects in his piece, writing: 'I would love to see Fabio Capello stick him in at the start of a match and then give him a run. Michael Owen always got lots of opportunities to play for England.
'Even when he failed to score, he was given an opportunity in the next match - and the same goes for Alan Shearer. Jermain has not had that run of four or five games for his country and has generally been forced to make an impact off the bench.'
Interestingly, Wright wrote in September that England's partnership of Wayne Rooney and Emile Heskey was 'working brilliantly', but let's move on to his contention that Defoe 'has not had that run of four or five games'.
Defoe did in fact start four games on the spin last summer, scoring twice (against Trinidad & Tobago). That run ended after 45 inneffective minutes against the might of Andorra.
Higher, Faster, Stronger
If it was indeed The Sun that Ryan Babel spoke directly to this morning, then it's a hell of a way to write a suicide note for his Liverpool career.
Offering a number of excuses for his consistent inconsistency and subsequent failure to hold down a regular spot in the Liverpool side, Babel said: "I don't know if it has anything to do with my little trip to the Olympics - I know the manager wanted me to stay. But I don't believe Benitez is trying to get back at me."
And he was right to couch that statement as well. After all, Javier Mascherano also made a 'little trip' to Beijing last summer, and he doesn't seem to have any problems getting a game.
The cruel might point out that, unlike Ryan, Javier is actually quite good. Obviously, we're not that cruel.
How Times Change
"It would be unthinkable for us not to be in the Champions League. You just want to get this qualifier out the way, put Europe on the back-burner for a while and get focused for a couple of months on doing well in the league. As players we expect to be there and so do the fans. We know in this situation all the pressure is on us, but we don't want to get negative about that" - Jamie Carragher, August 28, 2008.
"Going out of the Champions League would not be the disaster people think. Obviously we will do everything we can to stay in it by making sure at least we win our match tonight. But if we do go out, there is always the Europa League. If we could go on and win that, it would put a different gloss on our season" - Jamie Carragher, November 24, 2009.
Brucie Bonus
"What Steve has achieved here over the past 18 months has been magnificent. After a period of instability, he put the team in order and started laying the foundations for a prosperous future. We finished in our second highest ever league position this season and this is something we will be looking to build upon going forward" - Dave Whelan, June 3.
"He (Martinez) has got a difficult time, he inherited a team that was a little bit weak on reserves when Steve (Bruce) left. Steve actually had a few dodgy signings just before he left Wigan and he has inherited those dodgy signings so I can't blame Roberto one iota" - Dave Whelan, November 23.
Wheezy
Quite a few of the papers get their knickers in a twist about David Beckham's latest accessory - the inhaler Becks was pictured using at LA Galaxy's MLS Final - with his spokesman later confirming he did suffer from asthma.
And the twistiest knickers award goes to The Daily Mail website, who claim the revelation was a 'World Cup bombshell', and puts his participation in South Africa next summer in doubt.
However, let's go back to what his spokesman Simon Oliveira said: "David has suffered with this since he was a young boy, but it has obviously had no effect on his performance."
Quite so.
Fair And Balanced
"Darren Fletcher, as we know, is one of the most honest and fairest players in the game. He does it fairly. For some, maybe, that's probably annoyed them. That's his job. That's what he's good at. He's good at pressing the ball. His energy is incredible" - Alex Ferguson, September 12.
"I'm going to ask you do you fancy it? Do you like getting kicked? Do you like the fact that I'm going to be at you for the whole 90 minutes? As soon as you get the ball I'm going to be in your face. You're not going to like it one bit. And when we have the ball, I'm going to run you into the corner and you're going to have to follow me. Are you ready for that? Because that's what's going to happen" - Darren Fletcher, November 23.
Anyone else picturing Dazza saying this in front of a mirror with 'Eye Of The Tiger' playing at full blast before he leaves the house every morning?
Trust Us - These Are Quite Good
Usually when someone tells Mediawatch 'Hey, check out these impressions. They is well good, innit' we want to scoop out our own eyes with a rusty spanner, but these ones are actually top drawer. Watch for 'Thierry Henry's' trademark 'looking everywhere but the camera' technique.
Hyperbole Of The Day
"JD can do anything he wants to do...Maybe he's not as well known - not than he's any less talented - as say Brazil's forwards, or Messi, or someone like that. That's because that's Brazil and Barcelona. Put Jermain Defoe up front for Barcelona and I'm sure he'd be well known as well" - Like many people, Jonathan Woodgate is getting rather carried away with J-Dizzle scoring five against a p**s-poor Wigan side.
'Ref Strikes Back Story Of The Day
'A footballer wound up in hospital after a linesman allegedly bashed him over the head with his wooden FLAG. Dazed Gareth Coward, 29, was left drenched in blood as he took a corner in the Sunday League match. And cops were called as the game was abandoned amid a melee involving all 22 players. Now former referee Max Cobb faces a grilling by police, who took away his flag in an evidence bag. Dad-of-one Gareth, 29, who plays for Skye FC in the Blackpool and Fylde Sunday Football Alliance, claimed it kicked off after some banter.
'He said: "Next thing I know he cracked my head open. There was blood running down my face. To add insult to injury the ref sent me off." But Max, who manages rivals Fireplace Superstore, insisted: "He's hit me, I've hit him back, we've had a fight and everyone jumped in. When the ref's not looking he threw a punch. I'm due to speak to the police about it. I don't want to discuss it further" - The Sun.
Rumour Of The Day
'Serbian health authorities are looking for a mysterious healer who has recently treated the injuries of several English Premier League footballers with a cure that includes massage with horse placenta. Marijana Kovacevic has gone underground after health inspectors, accompanied by policemen, wanted to visit her private clinic in Belgrade last week. The authorities say the pharmacology doctor turned physiotherapist has been practising without a licence. Kovacevic's reputation as a miracle healer for sports injuries has spread throughout the Premier League, with Arsenal's Robin van Persie and Liverpool's Yossi Benayoun, Albert Riera, Fabio Aurelio and Glen Johnson travelling to Belgrade earlier this month' - The Sydney Morning Herald.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'She insisted on bringing her own butterfly-shaped confetti to the X Factor and left the normally affable television host Phillip Schofield furious with her lateness. And now presenter Kate Garraway has revealed more of Mariah Carey's diva-style behaviour following the singer's appearance on GMTV. Miss Garraway, 42, said the star - the world's best-selling female artist - stunned producers by having two people to lower her on to the famous GMTV sofa. She said the singer also had an entourage watching to ensure she was being filmed at her best angle and brought her own toilet roll to the studios.
'The blonde host, who has this month returned to work on the ITV breakfast programme after having her second child, son Billy, said: 'We had Mariah Carey in the GMTV studios last week, where she was pre-recording an interview with Lorraine Kelly. 'I've heard a lot of rumours about her being a diva over the years and guess what? It turns out it's all true!' Miss Garraway added: 'While Mariah was very nice, the amount of people she had in her entourage was hilarious. They outnumbered the entire GMTV crew! She had two people to lower her on to the GMTV sofa, in case her dress got crushed, one person to walk in front of her backwards at all times in case she fell over and several people behind the camera making sure she was going to be filmed from the right angle! Have you ever heard anything like it? Oh, and she brought her own toilet roll as well' - The Daily Mail.
Runner-Up
'A two-day police hunt for a drowned man was called off when the 24-year old turned up at the crime scene looking for his clothes. Maciej Nowak had disappeared after being dumped by his girlfriend and was last seen drinking heavily into the early hours in Urzedow, Poland. And when his clothes were found the next morning by a lake, friends feared he had killed himself. But just as police divers were about to call in a submarine, Nowak appeared and asked what all the fuss was about.
"He told us that he can't remember why he had taken his clothes off because he had been drunk. But he woke up at a nearby house. Apparently they had found him naked and taken him in and let him sober up," said a police spokesman. Nowak's girlfriend Kasia Lubelska, 23, said she wouldn't be getting back with him. "It's stupid things like this that caused me to dump him. How can I allow someone like him to be the father of my children?" she said
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Philip Holland and Jason Buckby. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at the usual address with 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.
