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I'm Alone And I'm An Easy Target
Where would you like us to start with the sickeningly gleeful reaction from the press to Fabio Capello's departure? Well, Mediawatch is in a bad mood, so if you don't mind, we'll begin with the easiest target.
The Sun's Steven Howard is on predictably fine form. In line with his (and every other) paper's official policy, he wants Harry Redknapp to be Capello's replacement. Which is fine. However, let's have a look at why he thinks 'Arry will be better than Fabio.
Howard justifiably complains about Capello's ropey English, but writes: 'Though he did have enough grasp of the swear words to sit yelling at his players from the bench in South Africa. The clearest sign that he had totally lost the plot.'
Wait, he swore...so that means he's lost the plot? Good job we won't get that from Harry 'Just Facking Run Around A Bit Pav/I'm Not A Facking Wheeler Dealer' Redknapp, eh?
He goes on: 'Already past 60, he was set in his ways, prickly and a man neither to be crossed or disagreed with.'
Fabio Capello's age when he took over as England manager: 61. Harry Redknapp's current age: 64 (he'll be 65 in a few weeks).
And more: 'Capello should have been sacked after the World Cup - surely the worst performance by England at a major tournament. Yes, even more disastrous than the shambles under Kevin Keegan at Euro 2000.'
Sure, England faced tougher teams at Euro 2000, but they did qualify from the group stage in 2010.
And finally (well, not finally, but we only have so much time/space), about the World Cup squad, he writes: 'Theo Walcott didn't even make the squad, along with Adam Johnson and Scott Parker.'
We shall simply point to Mr Howard's column but a few weeks ago, on January 18, when he described Walcott as 'infuriatingly inconsistent'.
Ranking
Just to the right of Howard's piece, The Sun produce a panel headlined 'Why he had to go (as if you need reminding)', giving 12 reasons why Capello was rubbish.
We'll ignore for a moment the astounding arrogance that comes with the assumption that absolutely everyone agreed with them, and skip a couple of pages back in the paper to their table of England managers. This table is ranked by the win percentage of these managers.
We probably don't need to remind you who is at the top.
Mistakes
Writes Martin Lipton of The Daily Mirror:
'Gone, without regrets, on either side. And gone two years after he should have done.'
Two years? Blimey. So, after the qualification campaign in which England scored the most goals in Europe? Before the World Cup? Crivens.
He goes on: 'There were mistakes, of course...the treatment of Michael Owen among them.'
Michael Owen among his mistakes? Must we go through this again? Well, we won't. We refuse. We'll go quite mad if we have to do this again.
The Head And The Heart
Our old friend Oliver Holt comments in The Daily Mirror:
'It never quite felt as if his heart was in the England job.'
Now, we don't pretend to know what was in Capello's head, or indeed his heart, during his time as England manager. What we do know is that he missed his son's wedding to manage an England game. An England friendly game.
Pseud Of The Day
'Light the beacons across the land, let the church bells ring out with joy and record in the annals of history that Fabio Capello's final decision as England manager proved to be his best' - Do we really need to tell you that this was written by Henry Winter of The Daily Telegraph.
It Was The Mail What Won It
Given that The Daily Mail claimed the conviction of Stephen Lawrence's killers as a victory for the paper, we really weren't expecting them not to be insufferably smug this morning.
And so it comes to pass. 'Capello quits (as forecast by the Mail)...' blarts their front page, along with a couple of panels with previous guesses/headlines about Capello's position and half a page inside of similar guff.
Funnily enough, there doesn't seem to be any mention of their headline from Wednesday February 1, which if correct would have prevented this whole sorry business. It read: 'Terry will captain England at Euro 2012 after race row court case is adjourned until July'.
Pot, Kettle, Rowley Birkin
Jeff Powell QC was on Sky News last night to dance on Capello's gr...sorry, comment on his resignation, and boy did he have some gems.
Our favourite was: "He's a creepy individual. At least we've got rid of the old man who wants to wear Speedos."
To repeat, that's Jeff Powell calling someone else creepy.
Eck Of A Protest
Let us for a minute take a break from the Capello guff to comment on the fans' protest at Aston Villa.
Now, we are aware that Alex McLeish is not a popular man at Villa, and his football is so bad we're loath to defend him, but we do feel the reasons given by these protesting fans were a little harsh.
In their statement, they claim: 'We have played 24 games this season, we have won six! Is this good enough? No. This is relegation form.'
Villa's six league wins (and 10 draws) so far this season see them sit in 13th, five places and eight points above the relegation zone. Surely the definition of relegation form means form that would result in relegation, not being well clear of it?
They go on: '[McLeish] was given £20million (approximately) to spend.'
Well, without wishing to split hairs, McLeish has actually spent £17.25m, which is 13% or so less than £20m. But in any case, it completely ignores the fact that he has also been forced to sell £37.75m of players. So McLeish has, through no fault of his own, replaced £37.75m of talent with £17.25m (not to mention losing the likes of Brad Friedel and Nigel Reo-Coker on free transfers to save on wages).
And finally: '[McLeish] has players of the calibre of Darren Bent, Gabby Agbonlahor and Stephen Ireland.'
That would be the Stephen Ireland who has been fit/mentally stable enough to start all of eight league games this season and who's been generally awful since moving to Villa?
'Fair Enough' Caller Of The Day
"My first choice would be Brian Clough, but he's dead" - A caller to BBC Radio 5Live offers his thoughts.
Misleading Headline Of The Day
'Police in Blackburn hunt wanted man Kean' - The Lancashire Telegraph.
Runner-Up
'Prince qualifies as Apache pilot' - The BBC Website.
Own Goal Of The Day
Some light relief on this day of nonsense.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A US judge has ordered a man accused of scuffling with his wife to take her out for a date. Jospeh Bray, 47, was told to buy wife Sonja, 39, flowers and then take her out bowling and for a romantic meal, reports the Sun Sentinel. Judge John Hurley also ordered the couple, of Plantation, Florida, to visit a marriage guidance counsellor. Bray was charged with domestic violence after he and his wife got embroiled in a spat after he failed to wish her a happy birthday.
'Mrs Bray claimed that her husband shoved her against a sofa and grabbed her neck. But the judge handed down his ruling after deeming the offence "very, very minor". However, he said Bray would face jail if he did not follow his sentence to the letter. "He's going to stop by somewhere and he's going to get some flowers," said Judge Hurley. "And then he's going to go home, pick up his wife, get dressed, take her to Red Lobster. And then after they have Red Lobster, they're going to go bowling" - Orange.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Daniel Tilles, Ian Bendelow and Umer Usman. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at theeditor@football365.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.
