What on earth is Rowley going to do without his Popinjay...?
It seems Mike Ashley's sausage fingers were nothing to do with that...
The Sunday papers were heaving with word that Chelsea might have actually changed their minds about Frank Lampard. Whadderyerknow, they might want him to stay after all.
The Mail on Sunday reported: 'Chelsea have revealed that they have made the first moves towards awarding veteran midfielder Frank Lampard a new contract to stay at the club he has given 12 years of wonderful service.'
The People and The Sunday Express concurred, with claims from a club source that talks would begin with Lampard's agent soon.
This was apparently news to the agent himself, who said on Monday: "Chelsea executives told Frank in Japan during the Club World Cup then again reconfirmed with me after the Everton victory that in no circumstances will he be offered a new contract to stay at the club after the end of this season.
"Nothing since has changed in any respect.
"Frank has had to accept that and just wants to carry on playing football for Chelsea so as to finish the season as successfully as possible for the club that he loves."
So you're given the choice between believing a football agent or a nameless source in several tabloid newspapers. Sophie's Choice was a doddle compared to this one...
The Most Pointless Story Of All Time
Well, Mediawatch has been going for some 15 years now. In that time we've read plenty of pointless, spurious, useless, uninteresting, contrived, specious and just plain boring news stories. Hundreds. Thousands even.
However, we think we've found the one to end them all. The most value-free piece of journalism that has ever been produced. The 'story' to end all 'stories.'
It's from The Irish Sun. Are you ready? Prepared? Brace yourself. Here goes:
'Is this a sign of the times for Mario Balotelli as he takes a pre-match stroll through Manchester?
'The striker was snapped next to a large sandwich board reading For Sale as he joined his teammates for a walk down the city's Deansgate ahead of their FA cup clash.
'It comes a couple of days after a furious training ground bust-up with boss Roberto Mancini over a wild lunge on Scott Sinclair.'
That's it. That's the story. That's the news story. Balotelli walked past a sign. He didn't stop near it, comment on it, say 'That's me that is' and indeed is not for sale, if you believe City. There's no more information in it. Oh, tell a lie - it also informs us that Roberto Mancini wore a brown hat.
Ye gads. Just praise the lord Mario didn't happen to walk past Pandora's Massage Parlour...
Klose, But No Cigar
Terrific work from Alan Hansen in The Daily Telegraph, who writes about Luis Suarez's handy hands:
'Whatever moral high ground you take over Luis Suárez's goal, no footballer would ever ask for a goal to be disallowed.
'It has never happened in the history of the game. It will never happen in my lifetime.
'What exactly was Suárez supposed to do? Run to the referee and tell him it hit his hand? His team-mates would go berserk, and his manager would not be too impressed either.'
It's never happened. Never happened in the history of football. Not in Al's lifetime. Oh, apart from that time Miroslav Klose did it for Lazio. This season. In September. So just over three months ago.
We like to think that whoever controls the Telegraph website has a sense of humour about these things, because the incident in question was detailed here. On the Telegraph website.
Mediawatch isn't really fussed about the Ballon d'Or. It seems stupid to give an award for something as subjective as how good a footballer is. Especially when different players have qualities in different positions, so judging one over another is basically a fruitless exercise.
Still, everyone has a nice day in Zurich and someone will take a lovely trophy home. It's no real skin off our nose.
Some people are irked by the whole thing, mind. Including our old friend the self-appointed European football correspondent of The Sun, Antony Kastrinakis.
'If Lionel Messi holds aloft the Ballon d'Or this evening it will be a grave injustice,' he writes, with a solemnity that suggests he's discussing the Birmingham Six, rather than an essentially meaningless bauble given to a footballer.
'For it will mean Spain will again have failed to gain the recognition they deserve for winning the last three major tournaments - and an unprecedented treble.'
Antony thinks Andres Iniesta should win because he plays for Spain, and they of course won the European Championship. That Argentina didn't have a tournament to compete in last year, so thus international considerations over the 12 months in question isn't entirely fair, is not discussed. And in any case, in our experience the recognition for winning three major tournaments is winning three major tournaments.
We doubt the chaps from Spain will lose too much sleep when Messi lifts that ball tonight.
Headline from The Sun: 'Tevez: I'll save Mario's career.'
Actual quotes from Carlos Tevez: "I try to help Mario. I talk to him personally, on and off the pitch. I've been in that moment like him. I'm always keen to help him and keep him going through these kind of moments, so he doesn't make the same mistakes that I did in the past."
'Well You Bloody Should've Been' Quote Of The Weekend
"I'm not embarrassed by the result and I can't fault the players' effort" - Stale Solbakken after Wolves lost to non-league Luton. And shortly before he was sacked.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Suarez a sinner of PALM Sunday' - The Daily Mirror.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A cat has been detained in the grounds of a jail in Brazil with contraband goods for prisoners strapped to its body with tape. The white cat was apprehended crossing the main prison gate. The incident took place at a jail in Arapiraca city, 250km (155 miles) south-west of Recife in Alagoas state. The confiscated items included drill bits, files, a mobile phone and charger, plus earphones The cat was taken to a local animal centre. The jail holds some 263 prisoners. A prison spokesperson was quoted by local paper Estado de S. Paulo as saying: "It's tough to find out who's responsible for the action as the cat doesn't speak." Officials said the items could be used to effect a means of escape or for communicating with criminals on the outside. The incident took place at New Year, but the photo has only recently been released' - The BBC Website.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Richard Podmore. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.