The Mail do an about turn on Ronaldo's future, throwing poo at a wall and...
Lawro beats the bookies (as long as you ignore what the bookies do), Tony Pulis makes history and more from the papers...
Very strong work from Bill Leckie in The Scottish Sun on Monday. He writes a piece about Luis Suarez in which he compares him with Lance Armstrong.
Although he doesn't compare him with Lance Armstrong. Or so he claims.
He writes, after making the bold statement that there's quite a difference between diving and years of sustained and carefully planned doping while simultaneously lying about it for years, bullying anyone who goes against the plan and suing anyone who, as it turns out correctly, makes an accusation of doping:
'Which is why even if only a halfwit would put Luis Suarez in the same bracket of baddie-ness as Lance Armstrong, they've sure as hell come across as kindred spirits in the media confession box these past few days.'
So only a halfwit would say Suarez and Armstrong are comparable - we're clear on that? Curiously enough, Leckie then spends the remainder of the piece comparing the two, shoving their names and actions into the same sentence (but not the same bracket) at every opportunity.
One such passage is: 'Which brings us to Suarez, another one right out of the same pod.'
So is a 'pod' different to a 'bracket'? To a halfwit, perhaps.
To cap the whole thing, the newspaper illustrates the story with a photoshopped picture of Suarez's face grafted onto Armstrong's cycle-riding body. This monster can be seen above.
Remember, only a halfwit would put them in the same bracket.
Opening paragraph of The Daily Telegraph's story about Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa:
'Newcastle United's troubles are showing no signs of easing after Montpellier centre-back Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa did not arrive for a planned medical...'
Fourth paragraph of The Daily Telegraph's story about Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa:
'The Daily Telegraph has been told that Newcastle still expect Yanga-Mbiwa to arrive on Tyneside today, with the club blaming the weather for the delay...'
What A Few Months With Sam Allardyce Can Do
"West Ham is not a promoted side like any other. It is not by chance if I made the decision to join West Ham. It is perfect club at which to adapt to England" - Alou Diarra, October 9.
"The speeches were so positive. I was told that I was a priority for the manager. At 31-years-old, I wanted to find another league, and Marseille needed to reduce their wage bill, so it suited everyone. They sent an officer who landed at Marseilles in a private jet and promised me the moon. The speech was attractive.
"It was England, London, West Ham, a popular club with a true identity. It was an opportunity to settle in the Premier League. I did not ask, I trusted. After a few weeks, I realised that there were a lot of lies. This agent has fooled me. Some people have made money on my back. Admittedly, I have a three-year contract but I'm not unhappy financially, but I came to play, not to take an early retirement. I am positively at breaking point" - Alou Diarra, January 22.
Sinister Intro Of The Day
Writes Chris Wheeler in The Daily Mail:
'As Sir Alex Ferguson said goodbye to his players in London on Sunday night, it would have been no surprise if the Manchester United manager was already considering a more permanent farewell to goalkeeper David de Gea.'
Is he suggesting Fergie plans to have De Gea whacked? We imagine him raising one eyebrow and pausing slightly on the word 'permanent', before nodding to Paulie Fingers and tucking into some cannoli.
Hyperbole Of The Day
Writes Mark Irwin in The Sun, about Nicola Cortese:
'The Italian Roman Abramovich had airbrushed Adkins from history with all the ruthlessness of Joseph Stalin but without the pretence of a show trial.'
Slight Difference Of Interpretation
Headline from The Daily Mirror: 'I can CARRA on for years.'
Headline from The Sun: 'It could be over for me, gaffer - Carra hints at Kop exit.'
Actual quotes from Jamie Carragher: "The manager has been great with me. He has tried to keep me involved. But listen, I want to start. I'm no different to any other player...I'm just trying to get more starts and be involved between now and the end of the season."
And The Award For Lack Of Self-Awareness Goes To...
Said Harry Redknapp about Yann M'Vila:
"But you have to move quickly. The longer it goes on, the more people see his name in the papers."
Can't imagine how that would happen, Harry.
The Numbers Game
'Sir Alex Ferguson is confident of signing Wilfried Zaha for £12m from Crystal Palace by the end of the week' - The Guardian.
'Manchester United have agreed a £15million deal to sign wonder-kid Wilfried Zaha from Crystal Palace' - The Daily Mirror.
'Manchester United have upped their bid for Wilfried Zaha to £17million' - The Daily Express.
Quote Of The Day
"Eman...Emanu...I can't say his first name. I just call him Ade. How do you say it? Emmanuel? That's a tough one!" - Clint Dempsey struggles with the name 'Emmanuel Adebayor'.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Hanky blanky' - The Sun tie together the (rather muted) handkerchief protest with the goalless 90 minutes at the Southampton game. Badly.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Japan's new government is barely a month old, and already one of its most senior members has insulted tens of millions of voters by suggesting that the elderly are an unnecessary drain on the country's finances. Taro Aso, the finance minister, said on Monday that the elderly should be allowed to "hurry up and die" to relieve pressure on the state to pay for their medical care. "Heaven forbid if you are forced to live on when you want to die. I would wake up feeling increasingly bad knowing that [treatment] was all being paid for by the government," he said during a meeting of the national council on social security reforms. "The problem won't be solved unless you let them hurry up and die."
'Aso's comments are likely to cause offence in Japan, where almost a quarter of the 128 million population is aged over 60. The proportion is forecast to rise to 40% over the next 50 years...To compound the insult, he referred to elderly patients who are no longer able to feed themselves as "tube people". The health and welfare ministry, he added, was "well aware that it costs several tens of millions of yen" a month to treat a single patient in the final stages of life' - The Guardian.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Vincent Brownlow, Rob Ambrose and Wayne Peters. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.