The Mail do an about turn on Ronaldo's future, throwing poo at a wall and...
Lawro beats the bookies (as long as you ignore what the bookies do), Tony Pulis makes history and more from the papers...
Friday: The FA charge Eden Hazard after his altercation with a ballboy against Swansea, despite the incident being 'dealt with' at the time by the referee. They announce: 'It is alleged that Hazard's behaviour in relation to a Swansea ball-boy, for which the player was dismissed in the 78th minute, constituted violent conduct whereby the standard punishment that would otherwise apply was clearly insufficient.'
Monday: The FA don't charge Glenn Whelan for launching himself at Javi Garcia on the basis that the incident was dealt with at the time by the referee.
It's fair to say that Sebastian Coates didn't have the best of games for Liverpool against Oldham. Indeed, Brendan Rodgers probably could have created a replacement centre-back out of cocktail sausages and toothpicks and it would have done a better job than Coates.
A dreadful game, no doubt. However, Mediawatch reckons some of the criticism is more than a little harsh, notably on The Daily Mail website.
The paper runs a piece every week called, imaginatively enough 'Useless', in which scribe Tony Moore brands a player he deems 'useless'. It even features a short clip of Mr Moore shouting 'USELESS' into the camera, just in case you missed the point of this fairly mean-spirited and pointless column (Surely 'useless' column? - Ed).
Moore writes: 'You could play either your first choice defenders, or even Jamie Carragher, a brilliantly loyal defensive kingpin and a veteran of these types of games. But no, you are Brendan Rodgers and you think you know better. So you play Sebastian Coates.
'Coates was given a torrid time by Oldham's two forwards Robbie Simpson and, especially, Matt Smith, who scored twice. We could have chosen Brad Jones for this award after his howler...but Coates was even worse.
'He added to the theory that he is only here to keep his fellow Uruguayan Luis Suarez company, but at least when Argentinian Ricky Villa was in England with Ossie Ardiles at Spurs, he could actually PLAY!'
Coates has played ten times for Uruguay. He was in the team that won the 2011 Copa America. Indeed, he was voted young player of the tournament. He's also 22 years old. But yeah, fine, completely write off a player because of one rubbish game, eh?
'Chelsea have made a sensational bid to try and re-sign Didier Drogba' - EXCLUSIVE! in The Sun.
'Didier Drogba will turn down a shock return to Chelsea and sign an 18-month deal with Galatasaray in Turkey' - EXCLUSIVE! in The Daily Mail.
In the list of 'Those involved in football whose inner-most thoughts we'd like to hear', Michael Owen ranks somewhere around Alan Shearer, Albert the Manchester United kit man and that little Beanie Baby that Stuart Pearce used to keep on the touchline when he was at Manchester City.
Still, that hasn't stopped The Daily Mail from running EXCLUSIVE! extracts from his blog on their website.
Some of the juicier points from the latest extract include the following.
On muscle injuries: 'My dad suffered as a player and my brothers and I have been plagued by them too. Bad luck in many ways but some would say it's the price you pay for being quick!'
On his youth: 'At six, I was too young to join a football club so my dad took me to mini-club where I'd mix it with other kids. He recalls that I used to loiter around the goal waiting for a chance and when it arrived, I'd side foot it into the corner.'
And on his old man: 'My dad would never raise his voice, I can't recall him ever shouting at me throughout my childhood. Neither would he ever punish me for playing poorly. I simply knew how much me playing well meant to him and I didn't ever want to disappoint.'
Stay tuned for more thrilling insights from the edgy brain of Michael Owen.
Reported our friends at Goal.com on Friday:
'Jack Wilshere will captain Arsenal for the first time on Saturday, Goal.com can reveal.
'The 21-year-old is to be handed the skipper's armband for the club's FA Cup fourth-round clash at Brighton.
'Arsene Wenger has turned to Wilshere in the absence of club captain Thomas Vermaelen, who is suffering from minor ankle damage and has not travelled with the squad, and his No.2, Mikel Arteta...
'The Arsenal manager had considered resting Wilshere for the cup match against the Seagulls but has decided to persist with the midfielder and reward him with a promotion.'
To be fair, we're not sure if Wilshere was wearing the captain's armband on the bench or not.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Champagne All Alon-A' - The Daily Mirror on Neil Warnock drinking bubbly on his own.
Response Of The Weekend
Liverpool's Jack Robinson replies in robust fashion to Luis Suarez telling him off for shooting from a tight angle.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'An embarrassed couple have quit their jobs after their explicit emails about their love life became an internet sensation. Melanie Anderson, a receptionist at an oil industry services company in Aberdeen, accidentally forwarded the intimate exchange with fiance Eric Knisz to their entire office. It happened when she sent a short email to her colleagues at Integrated Subsea Services (ISS) Ltd to tell them that the sandwich van was outside. Unfortunately, she accidentally wrote the message on top of the chain of private emails she had been swapping with Mr Knisz.
'Within hours the email had gone viral, spreading first to other oil firms in Aberdeen and then to the rest of the world, prompting a series of jokes on Twitter with the hashtag #sandwichvan. In the private messages, Miss Anderson wrote: " I totally fancy you," to which her fiance replied: "I love making love to you it's ace." Bruce Webster, human resources director at ISS, said the couple were "absolutely mortified". He added: "While the couple involved made a silly mistake, they did not do anything malicious or unlawful and have therefore not been disciplined. Regrettably they have chosen to resign. We are however dealing seriously with the issue of the email going outwith our organisation and reinforcing our policies in relation to this." Miss Anderson and Mr Knisz, who are due to get married later this year, have not commented publicly' - Orange.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Ahmed Jawad. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.