The Mail do an about turn on Ronaldo's future, throwing poo at a wall and...
Lawro beats the bookies (as long as you ignore what the bookies do), Tony Pulis makes history and more from the papers...
And So It Begins
Mediawatch was quietly impressed with the way England played on Wednesday night. Well, the bits we saw - we were doing a crossword. Still, beating Brazil in a friendly is decent, isn't it? And Jack Wilshere was good, in the moments we saw while mulling over a tricky 16 across, right?
Of course, we are not so silly as to project this mild satisfaction to anything further than a good friendly win. This has, after all, happened quite a few times in the past. England have beaten Spain, Italy and Germany relatively recently, only to collapse like a badly made flan when it mattered.
All of this probably means England are one of the seven or eight best teams in the world, doesn't it? A solid quarter-final team. This is a theory not plucked from the air but based on the FIFA rankings (leave it) and, more importantly, recent tournament experience.
Still, the papers have a narrative to create, and what better way to create that narrative than subtly/not-so-subtly build up the England team to be better than the 'top seven or eight', only to give it the full 'You let your country down' when England don't win the World Cup.
The Sun are at it this morning, obviously - Charlie Wyett writing that 'Roy Hodgson hailed his heroes' after the win. Just make a note of that word again - heroes. Their word, not Hodgson's. For winning a friendly game.
The Daily Mirror reports the win was a 'famous victory' and go big with Frank Lampard's post-match quotes that England can 'beat anyone on our day', which, as a statement, is utterly redundant as it's literally true of any football team ever. As long as there are 11 players with 22 legs between them, of course it's theoretically possible for one football team to beat another. The Daily Telegraph even get in on it, proclaiming that this 'new generation suggest they can match the best' - where have we heard that before?
Of course, none of the papers have actually stated that they expect England to win the World Cup. Even they're not that stupid. But it's creeping. Effusive praise of an essentially meaningless victory today, blood and thunder and go and tell the king that the sky is falling in tomorrow. Welcome to the great English press everyone, it's great.
Now, four across, 'Passed through a screen (6)....'
From Jeremy Wilson's England player ratings in The Daily Telegraph:
'Can't get past Rio Ferdinand in the Manchester United team but bizarrely preferred by Hodgson...'
Oh, we thought he was okay actually, but clearly you thought he was usel...actually...
'Was a calm presence alongside Cahill and only enhanced his reputation as an England regular of the future.'
Oh, apparently not.
Well, That's One Way Of Looking At It
Reports The Manchester United Official Website:
'Ronaldinho's spot-kick was saved by Joe Hart, who also stopped the rebound and Cleverley dived in to save a certain goal and concede a corner by thwarting Neymar.'
Of course, replays seemed to show Cleverley miles behind Neymar and getting nowhere near the ball while the Brazilian scuffed his shot wide. A goal-kick was given. Note the rather casual mention of Manchester City goalkeeper Hart's rather good double save.
Headline from The Times: 'Lampard told: stay in Europe or miss out on 100th cap.'
Actual quotes from Roy Hodgson: "If he goes farther afield and follows David [Beckham, to Major League Soccer], it complicates matters. It does not mean your career is over with England..."
Weeks And Months
February 4: The Daily Mirror reports: 'Tottenham fear that Jermain Defoe could be out for up to two months with ankle ligament damage.' This story was based on the following words from Andre Villas-Boas: "Hopefully there is not a lot of ligament damage. If there is, it could be up to two or three weeks to recover."
February 7: Villas-Boas confirms Defoe will be out for three weeks.
You may know the name Vukasin Poleksic. He's the man who played in goal for Debrecen in the game against Liverpool, supposedly under scrutiny by Europol in their match-fixing investigation.
And as such, he's quite a target for the British press now, and the latest to grab an interview with him was The Daily Telegraph, in which Poleksic said:
"In 2007/8, I had some chance to go to Portsmouth. I had some very big offer to go but I said 'No, I'll stay to play in the Champions League and maybe next summer, go.
"It was a mistake because I got this punishment. Maybe, if I had gone there, who knows?"
Aye, you might have achieved the stability your career currently lacks by joining a Premier League club as rock soli...hang on a second.
"I saw someone (Alan Shearer) recently criticising Joe Allen for not playing risk passes. Unbelievable. So-called pundits who don't know the dynamics of a team and how it functions" - Brendan Rodgers, October 9.
"They're top pundits. When Alan Shearer speaks, people listen, I want to improve all aspects of my game. In terms of what Alan said, I can learn from it" - Joe Allen, February 6.
Headline from The Metro: 'Olivier Giroud: I'm already better than Robin van Persie at Arsenal.'
Actual quotes from Olivier Giroud: "I do not know of an attacker who is not interested in his numbers. Since the beginning of the season, I registered 14 goals and given 11 assists. For the first season...It's better than the beginning Van Persie had, even though when he arrived at Arsenal, he was younger."
Worst Headline Of The Day
'It's just like watching BROYzil' - The Sun.
Non-Football Headline Of The Day
'Please tell him now, is there something Si should mow' - The Sun does will with a story about Simon Le Bon's questionable facial hair.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'RESTAURANT bible the Michelin Guide says its name has been hijacked - by a website featuring football legend Michel Platini dressed as a GIRL GUIDE. Adam Mascall, 28, created it after snapping up the domain name www.michelinguides.com for just £6. Bosses at the French firm - whose star ratings are sought by top chefs worldwide - sent him a stern legal letter warning that the Michelin name was trademarked.
'But Adam insists the site is actually MICHEL IN GUIDES and is dedicated to 1980s French ace Platini. It features mock-ups of the UEFA chief, 57, as a girl guide - as well as on TV guides and sci-fi DVD The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. Salesman Adam, of Luton, Beds, said: "I'm not attempting to use it for personal gain or to in any way confuse or redirect Michelin's customers. I just did this for a laugh." A Michelin spokesman said: "While we appreciate the amusing nature of the website, we have to do everything possible to protect the Michelin brand" - The Sun.
'The residents of a Japanese town have asked for a replica of Michelangelo's David to be fitted with underpants. The 16ft statue was erected in a park in Okuizumo where it towered over people visiting nearby sports facilities. But it is also close to a children's play area, which prompted residents to object to the Renaissance statue's nudity. "It's frightening the children and worrying the adults with its nakedness," said an official in the small mountainside town. Several people have asked us to cover it up with underpants."
'The statue, along with a replica of the 'topless' Venus de Milo, was presented to the town by a local businessman. Local officials said they hoped that residents would in time come to appreciate the value of the sculptures, reports the Yomiuri Shimbun. Town official Yoji Morinaga said: "They are statues of unclothed humans, and such pieces of art work are very rare in our area. It's the first time we have had anything like this in our town. Perhaps people were perplexed" - Orange.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Vanessa Noblet and Ed Taylor. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, e-mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.