Manchester United are the only club with a decent academy and never just spend money on foreigners. Oh no. And Jeff Powell writes about what he knows best...
The Mail do an about turn on Ronaldo's future, throwing poo at a wall and...
With These Prices, You Are Really Spoiling Us
Mediawatch notes with interest that the benevolent and kindly souls at UEFA have reduced the price of tickets for the Champions League final. Rejoice! A victory for the common man! Finally the big knobs have got around the table and yanked the iron out of the fire! They really care about us, people!
Well, sort of. It's true that the price has dropped from two years ago, when the final was last held at Wembley (£150 for the cheapest ticket, as you'll recall) in 2011, a price that Michel Platini now very magnanimously acknowledges was 'a mistake'. The cheapest final ticket will now set you back £60, plus an £8 'administration fee' (again, down from £26 in 2011).
However, the basic cheap price has actually gone up slightly since last season (£58.45 for the Munich final) and of course only a relative handful (16,800 out of 86,000) will be available at that price.
So what about for the majority that won't get the 'cheap' £60 tickets? Category Three tickets are £140 (up from £133 in 2012), Category Two will set you back £230 (up from £217) and the top-dollar Category One tickets will now leave you £330 lighter (up from £308).
The game is of course on a Saturday again and - as you'll recall - this decision was made in order to allow families a better chance of attending.
Indeed, UEFA grand fromage Platini had families in mind, saying back in 2011: "Perhaps in the future we will have another category for families."
And bingo bongo - there is! A whole 400 'youth packages' will be on sale, priced at £60 for one adult and £60 for one child (no actual discount for the kid in question - don't be silly) to attend, with half of those on sale to the general public and another 100 each given to the finalists to sell. To repeat again, a total of 86,000 tickets will be available for the event. UEFA are allowing 400 children to attend at this 'cheap' price. Or, if you prefer - 0.47%.
So thanks very much Michel. With these cheaper-than-before-but-not-really-and-still-extortionate prices, you are really spoiling us.
Said Patrice Evra today: "I'm really looking forward to the match with Real Madrid. I've been waiting for a big European tie like this for a long time and it's probably the biggest European game since Barcelona in 2008."
Manchester United did indeed play Barcelona in 2008. They won the Champions League semi-final thanks to that Paul Scholes thriker in the second leg at Old Trafford.
However, Patrice appears to have wiped from his memory the last two times they played Barcelona - in the 2009 and 2011 finals, in which Mediawatch seems to recall United had their pants pulled down, their bottoms spanked, their pants pulled back up again, their bottom kicked and their head slapped.
Still, memories, eh?
Headline from The Daily Telegraph: 'Newcastle's managing director takes a swipe at QPR's gamble to stay in the Premier League.'
Actual quotes from Derek Llambias: "Tony is a good guy and a good owner and has passion for his club. If [owner] Mike Ashley and I were in that position we may sit back and say: 'Do we need two players to push us away from relegation?' We might have taken the gamble too, but not irresponsibly
"Tony is not being irresponsible, he is giving himself and his club a chance. If he did not do anything then he would be criticised too.
"I would not criticise what QPR have done. I would say they have good people behind it and they are giving themselves a chance."
The back-page headline from The Daily Mirror this morning reads: 'I'm Quitting At The Top.'
On closer inspection, and contrary to the suggestion from that headline, the quitting person in question is Jamie Carragher.
Rowley 'Jeff Powell' Birkin QC: The Return
Good news people. Jeff 'Rowley Birkin QC' Powell is back in The Daily Mail. Previously the Mail only wheeled him out for boxing and when they needed someone to write in tremendously homoerotic detail about Bobby Moore/have a pop at David Beckham.
However, Powell/Birkin now has a regular column every Friday on The Mail website, the first edition of which is out today. And Jeff/Rowley doesn't disappoint.
It takes him a mere two lines to crowbar in the customary dig at Beckham ('the five-month shirt salesman of Paris Saint-Germain') - two lines of a column that is about Frank Lampard, and has the square root of eff-all to do with Beckham.
The thrust of Powell's argument is that Super Frank should tell Chelsea where to stick their new contract (if such a contract exists), and that everyone at the club should be ashamed of themselves for not offering a deal sooner/rolling out the red carpet/employing a sculptor for his statue.
Powell/Rowley writes: 'It also puts to shame the failure of Rafa Benitez to publicly back the man without whose goals and work-rate his tenure as Chelsea manager would have been even shorter than interim.'
A quick search (Google, Jeff) reveals that in his time at Chelsea, Benitez has called Lampard "a fantastic player", "a great professional" and praised his "fantastic achievement" of winning 94 caps. Lampard has also played a part (either starting or from the bench) in every game for which Benitez has been in charge and Lampard has been fit. What exactly does he expect Benitez to do? Promise to give Lampard a new contract and write it up himself, despite having absolutely nothing to do with that particular decision? Declare Lampard to be the fairest of them all? Adopt Lampard as his son?
Ah Rowley. It's grand to have you back.
Friday, Friday, Gotta Get Down On Friday
With Rowley/Powell back and Mark Lawrenson continuing to go great guns, Friday looks to be a bumper day for Mediawatch.
And of course Lawro offers a number of gems in his predictions column for The BBC Website. Every week Lawro goes up against a 'celebrity' opponent in predicting the results of the weekend ahead, and this time it's wrasslin' man Hulk Hogan. Remarkably, Hogan's prediction that Chelsea will beat Wigan 40-1 is not the most ridiculous forecast in the piece.
Firstly, he once again reckons bottom-of-the-table QPR will win - putting them seventh in the table according to Lawro.
Secondly, his musings on Newcastle are splendid, commenting that: 'I wouldn't be surprised if a few of their injured players come back quicker now their places are under threat.' Newcastle currently have four players out - two with cruciate ligament injuries, one broken toe and one twanged hamstring - all injuries notoriously helped by the presence of other players in their position. And in any case, only Hatem Ben Arfa of those players would get near the first team.
Thirdly, on Tottenham's lack of strikers, he notes that Mousa Dembele 'does not want to play there'. Said Dembele himself this week, about the prospect of playing up top: "Of course, if the manager thinks that is the best option, why not?"
And finally, our favourite is his assessment of Aston Villa - who play West Ham on Sunday - in which he says that their collapse at Everton 'illustrates just how easy it is to score against Villa'. Prediction? 1-0. To Villa.
Same Quotes, Different Headlines
'Tottenham warn Real Madrid: You won't be able to afford Gareth Bale' - The Independent
'AVB confident of keeping Bale' - Setanta.com.
'AVB admits: We need Champions League to keep brilliant Bale' - Tottenham & Wood Green Journal.
'Tottenham transfers: Villas-Boas hopeful of keeping hold of Bale' - The Sport Review.
'Villas-Boas admits Gareth Bale exit fears' - GiveMeFootball.com.
Summary: Nobody Has A Clue
'Roman Abramovich has made the first move to keep Frank Lampard at Chelsea by opening preliminary talks about a new, one-year contract' - The Daily Mail.
'Frank Lampard has not been approached by Chelsea about a new deal' - The Sun.
'Frank Lampard is hoping Chelsea will complete a U-turn by offering him a new deal following his heroics against Brazil' - The Daily Mirror.
'The 34-year-old England midfielder is set to be released in the summer, but owner Roman Abramovich is now understood to be considering giving him an extension' - The Daily Express.
'Roy Hodgson has admitted that Frank Lampard is worried about his England career beyond the summer as Chelsea continue to hold out over the prospect of a new contract for the 34-year-old' - The Independent.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Neymar your price, City' - The Daily Star.
Misleading Headline Of The Day
'Hot Gareth rings Craig's bell' - The Daily Mirror
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A German job centre has apologised after offering work as a hostess in a brothel to a teenage girl, according to a local newspaper in Augsburg, Bavaria. The 19-year-old's mother screamed when she saw the letter offering her daughter the work placement, the Augsburger Allgemeine reports. The head of the job centre was quoted as saying it should have asked the young woman before sending the letter. Roland Fuerst stressed that the work being offered was not prostitution.
'Prostitution is legal in Germany and Mr Fuerst's centre was aware that the large establishment in question was a brothel. The young woman told the newspaper: "I was looking for a decent housekeeping job - not working at a brothel bar. "I was totally shocked when I read the letter. My mother even started screaming out loud when she read the letter" - The BBC Website.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Joshua Graham, John Sutherland and Andy Roberts. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.