The Mail do an about turn on Ronaldo's future, throwing poo at a wall and...
Lawro beats the bookies (as long as you ignore what the bookies do), Tony Pulis makes history and more from the papers...
And Just Like That...He's Gone
Mediawatch thought for some time that The Daily Mail's Neil Ashton actually is Roman Abramovich, given the number of stories about Chelsea he seemed to get right. It was like he was Keyser Soze, controlling the empire but putting on a plausible front while secretly controlling things.
However, after reading today's Mail we're more inclined to think he's actually Agent Kujan, dropping his coffee cup as he slowly realises he's been had by a clever schemer.
You may recall that in Monday's edition of the Mail, Ashton claimed to have laid his hands on Rafa Benitez's scouting dossier about Wigan. The 'detailed document handed to Sportsmail' apparently told of several 'key messages' given to Chelsea about Wigan, and explained how Rafa's boys took on board this information and used it to beat their opponents.
Apparently the report was 'put together by Benitez's first-team opposition analyst Xavi Valero' and that Rafa 'went through Valero's document line-by-line with the players on Friday afternoon.'
Of course, we should probably all have smelt a rat when Ashton claimed the report described Franco di Santo as 'capable of genius', for that rat appears in this morning's 'clarifications and corrections' column of The Mail.
We are told: 'A sports story yesterday headlined "REVEALED: how Benitez's dossier worked a treat" was based on information that we now understand to be inaccurate. The article has been removed from Mail Online. The information was published in good faith.
'It was understood that the scouting report referred to in the article was a genuine Chelsea FC club document. We have since been advised that this is not the case and we are happy to clarify the position.'
So not just a typo, not just the odd errant detail, but the whole thing was, as it turns out, complete bollocks.
And just like that...he's gone.
'EXCLUSIVE: Fergie lands Polish star Lewandowski from Dortmund...Striker Robert Lewandowski is heading to Manchester United' - The Daily Mail, November 30.
'Robert Lewandowski will double his earnings as a Manchester United player after moving a step nearer landing his dream move to Old Trafford. He is set to accept an offer of £20.5million in wages to join the Barclays Premier League side in the summer' - The Daily Mail, December 27.
'Manchester United's pursuit of Robert Lewandowski has suffered a double setback after Pep Guardiola targeted him as his first Bayern Munich signing and Borussia Dortmund set the asking price at £25.5million' - The Daily Mail, February 12.
Ludicrous work from The Sun, who report: 'West Ham's flops have been shamed by Wellington Paulista - who snubbed a sunshine break in Dubai to stay here and play in the snow.'
It turns out that Wellington has actually decided it would be better for his fitness to stick around in Blighty to play for the reserves, rather than go with the rest of the squad for some warm-weather training. How shamed Carlton Cole, Andy Carroll et al must be for doing as instructed by their bosses.
Scribe Andrew Dillon goes on to point out that Wellington has scored three in three for said reserves, while 'In contrast West Ham's senior strikers have hit just two goals between them in 11 games since December 22.'
Lord. As the old saying goes, there's lies, damn lies, statistics, complete and utter bullsh*t, and then there's comparing under-21 games with Premier League football as if that proved a single thing.
Well done indeed there.
Pointing out that Mike Parry, latterly of SHOUTsport, has a few opinions that...shall we say...have strayed from the pack a little, is a bit like getting the old blunderbuss out, finding a barrel inexplicably filled with fish, and cutting loose.
Still, when has Mediawatch turned down an easy target? Parry, apparently with more time on his hands since leaving SHOUTsport last year, had his own theory on how to make Paul Gascoigne better.
He tweeted on Monday:
'No joke. I'd have got Paul Gascoigne a job as a post-man in Newcastle. Sense of worth, get up early, exercise on a bike, helping his own folk.
'No, I'm sticking by it. Gazza would be a great postman. He'd love it. It's a sense of purpose and he wouldn't want to let his people down.
'Where do you think Gazza would rather be? Spaced out in Arizona, USA or within his own community in Gateshead, Geordieland? Postman.
'Why are so many of you knocking postmen? It's a very honourable job. Hard work and it has a huge communication responsibility in our lives.
'I would happily take a job as a postman. Love getting up early, exercising on a bike, running up and down paths. Serving my community.'
It's amazing nobody else has thought of this.
From the Mediawatch column on a website not a million miles from here, February 12:
'Our old friend the self-appointed European football correspondent of The Sun Antony Kastrinakis may not be allowed to speak to Mario Balotelli, but he is allowed to write guff about Real Madrid.
'His column today includes some fairly standard low-level nonsense, but we did enjoy this bit:
'Strikers Gonzalo Higuain and Karim Benzema are fed up with being rotated and are struggling for form.'
'This season, Benzema has six goals from ten league starts, while Higuain has eight from 12.'
From The Spanish Thing on a website not a million miles from here, February 12:
'With strikers Karim Benzema and Gonzalo Higuaín both out of form...'
Non-Football Headline Of The Day
'Shock as Pope steps down two years after Brum visit' - The Birmingham Mail.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Gary's a real Hooper star' - The Daily Mirror.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Train passengers were held up for more than an hour after a railway signalman got stuck in an outside toilet. He left his post to answer a call of nature but was left flushed with embarrassment when the lock jammed. The driver of a Hereford to London train heard the man's cries for help after he was forced to stop because he could not make radio contact. Colleagues eventually managed to set the signalman free by forcing the door open with a crowbar, reports the Daily Telegraph. The 3.13pm service was delayed during the rescue near Worcester Foregate Street station.
'Rail bosses gave the reason as "signalling problems" but rail enthusiasts became privy to the truth through an internet forum. One user joked: "Where are all the relief staff when you need 'em...?" Network Rail apologised for the incident and blamed the rail system's ageing buildings. A spokesman added: "Much of the railway network is still controlled from Victorian signal boxes, which often have outside loos" - Orange.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Paul Robinsons. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.