Manchester United are the only club with a decent academy and never just spend money on foreigners. Oh no. And Jeff Powell writes about what he knows best...
The Mail do an about turn on Ronaldo's future, throwing poo at a wall and...
Mediawatch loves statistics possibly more than is healthy but statistics are dangerous in the hands of those who should not be trusted with precious numbers. Well, maybe not dangerous. More silly than dangerous, really. In hindsight, we might have been guilty of over-egging the 'danger' pudding.
Anyway, The Sun have adorned the front page of their 'GOALS' pull-out with pictures of Cristiano Ronaldo and Robin van Persie with little stopwatches and the words 'He's gonna score in...THIS MINUTE' as they reveal the stats that 'show when they're at their deadliest'.
Wow. These must be pretty bloody amazing stats if they can predict exactly when two of the best footballers in the world are likely to score. Bring on the numbers...
'MANCHESTER UNITED have had their 50-minute warning...because that's when Cristiano Ronaldo is most likely to score tonight,' writes self-appointed European Correspondent of The Sun Antony Kastrinakis, whetting our appetite somewhat.
'Superstar Ron has plundered 34 goals for Real Madrid this season - with the average time of his first strike in matches the 50th minute.
'But the good news for United is they should already be one-up by then because 23-goal Robin van Persie is most likely to score in the 49th minute.
'So, whatever you do tonight, don't make a cuppa immediately after half-time!'
Oh. So these stats 'that show when they're deadliest' have been revealed by the complex progress of adding up the times of their opening goals and then dividing by...actually, at this point we've got terribly confused because there seems no standard statistical method that would produce the figure of 50 for Ronaldo and the figure of 49 for Van Persie.
But never mind the methodology, there's a pretty obvious problem with using an average time to predict the time of an event. Especially if that event is not guaranteed to happen at all.
That is perfectly ilustrated by the fact that neither Ronaldo nor Van Persie has actually scored their first strike of any game this season in the ten minutes after half-time. It has literally never happened. The man who is 'most likely to score' in the 50th minute never actually scores in the 50th minute and the man who 'is most likely to score in the 49th minute' never actually scores in the 49th minute.
Apart from that, it's absolutely brilliant. Top work, Antony. Maybe just stick to putting the boot into Mario Balotelli, fella.
Take My Mother-In-Law...
It's difficult to ignore Derek McGovern's 1970s working men's club comedy schtick ('The garage told me yesterday that they couldn't repair my brakes so they just made my horn louder') in the Daily Mirror but ignore it we must because 'sports betting's top tipster' has raised our eyebrows in other ways.
He claims that Gary Neville 'misses out the words flat-track' when he described Ronaldo as a 'bully' (much better to call him a 'Portuguese ladyboy', it seems), suggesting that 'when the opponents don't have a weakest link to single out, he tends to chicken out'.
Which is of course why he has scored ten goals in 20 games against Barcelona. 'Sports betting's top tipster' might have heard of them.
Mour Mour Mour
On Tuesday night, ITV once again showed their documentary 'Mourinho'. Mediawatch watched for the first time and was struck by one chilling sentence about his Champions League win with Inter Milan in 2010.
"Jose Mourinho was named Fifa Coach of the Year for 2010...UEFA awarded him nothing."
The tone of the narrator clearly incinuates that UEFA snubbed Mourinho by overlooking him for an award.
Conspiracy! Snubbage! Grazzy knoll!
Mediawatch would like to suggest that perhaps Mourinho won FIFA's Coach of the Year award because FIFA have a Coach of the Year award. UEFA stopped giving a Coach of the Year award in 2006. It's awfully hard to give someone an award that does not exist.
UEFA actually gave awards for goalkeeper, defender, midfielder and striker of the year in 2010. In that year all the awards went to Inter Milan players - the only occasion all the awards have been given to players from the same team.
In addition there was a seperate UEFA Team of the Year award which was voted by poll on their website. In 2009/10 the team included two Inter Milan players and the coach was one Jose Mourinho.
But THEY GAVE HIM NOTHING.
To Be Frank
Frank Lampard has been signed up for a book deal for children's stories 'based on friends and team-mates'.
Mediawatch is not sure any parent should be reading The Adventures of Ashley Cole and John Terry to their kids before bed-time. The number for Childline is 0800 1111, kids.
Tweet from Joey Barton on Tuesday night: 'Marking from the corners for Juve, has been borderline GBH at times. I went to jail for much less... #celticvjuve'
Video of the assault by Joey Barton that saw him jailed: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w897VuJfXQI
England, My England
We know it's The Sun and there's a different Sun in Scotland (The Scottish Sun, natch) but is this really the best angle from Celtic's 3-0 defeat to Juventus for the back page of a national newspaper?
'Roy Hodgson was at Celtic to run the rule over Fraser Forster.'
The England manager was at Celtic Park to watch a goalkeeper he has already included in his England squad for three England games and you put this on the sodding back page?
Smells Like Team Spirit
Kris Commons on Efe Ambrose after his mistakes against Juventus: "Look, the manager picked him. The manager pulled him to one side and asked him if he was feeling okay. He said he was feeling brilliant. You know, if he wasn't feeling okay, then he should have said so. If he felt good, then he should have put in a better performance."
Custis Tweet Of The Week
'Just had breakfast with @_PaulHayward in Madrid, it was interesting for the first five minutes but then dull, really dull'. Follow him at @ncustisTheSun.
Quit Playing Games
Preston boss Graham Westley, BBC Radio Lancashire, February 12: "When things aren't working, it's my responsibility to do all I can to right them. I'm working in difficult circumstances with injuries. You've never seen me walk away from anything in my life, so don't expect me to [resign]."
February 13: 'Preston North End can confirm that manager Graham Westley has stepped down as manager and a full statement will follow shortly.'
Worst Headline Of The Day
'COMING TO GET ROO' - The Daily Mirror. Blood boiling.
Non-Football Headline Of The Day
'Sea slug's 'disposable penis' surprises' - BBC. Well it would.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man who ate every day at Las Vegas' Heart Attack Grill has died - of a heart attack. John Alleman was such a regular visitor he became an unofficial spokesman for the eaterie, which uses the tagline 'Taste worth dying for'. The 52-year-old collapsed while waiting at a bus stop in front of the diner last week and was taken off life support on Monday. The medically themed diner is famous for its huge hamburgers, extra-fat milkshakes and chips cooked in lard' - Daily Mirror. Hungry now.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters David Lewis and Andrew Smith. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.