Manchester United are the only club with a decent academy and never just spend money on foreigners. Oh no. And Jeff Powell writes about what he knows best...
The Mail do an about turn on Ronaldo's future, throwing poo at a wall and...
Beneath Us, No More
Mediawatch has previously ignored the cockery from Derek McGovern, The Daily Mirror's betting man, because we rather thought it beneath us to actually read his column every day. And if you're beneath Mediawatch - who occasionally simply Googles 'penis' to find an amusing tale - you're in some trouble.
However, recently we've been drawn to McGovern. Perhaps because Oliver Holt hasn't said anything notably silly for a while, so we need a fix of Mirror guff.
So hats off to Mr McGovern today, who even by his standards of douchbaggery, excels himself.
He writes: 'North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un was in the news this week for testing a nuclear device.
'The story knocked Gazza off the front page and, even on the page he was on, he hadn't regained his balance.'
If you hadn't spotted the subtle nuances of McGovern's witty repartee, he's making a joke about Gazza's alcoholism there. What larks! What japes! What f*cking LOLZ! It's funny because he's dangerously mentally ill!
As always Derek, stay classy.
Double The Pleasure
It wouldn't be Friday without Lawro, and this week the BBC have delivered a veritable bounty. For this week both Lawro and David Pleat give their predictions.
We especially enjoyed the forecast for the Luton v Millwall game, in which Pleat writes: 'Luton have beaten Wolves and Norwich fairly and squarely with a lot of determined effort and I think playing Millwall at home is a great chance for them to get into the sixth round.'
Prediction? 2-2 'and the replay will favour Millwall'.
Double the pleasure, double the fun.
You were probably wondering. You probably got up early this morning to double check. It was a big question. Will he? Won't he? He couldn't go a whole week without, could he?
Well, Mediawatch is here to reassure you. It happened. Everyone can relax. The stars are aligned. The sun rose. The world continued to turn.
That's right - Jeff Powell did dedicate part of his new Friday column on The Daily Mail website to having a reasonably needless pop at David Beckham.
That's two for two thus far. Tune in, same time next week, to see if he manages the hat-trick.
Manufacturing Something Already There
You wouldn't have thought the papers needed to manufacture anything to imply divisions and internal shambles at Chelsea, but The Daily Mirror still has a good crack today.
Martin Lipton writes: 'Rafa Benitez has risked a major rift with John Terry as he told the Chelsea skipper he cannot expect to get back into the team.
'...the warning that he will have to get used to life out of the side could create another angle of attack from the Blues fans and alienate the Stamford Bridge legend.'
Here's what Rafa said about Terry: "Last week he had a setback, although there was no reaction when he came back to training. We have to manage the situation. He has to work. He has to train more with the team and then he will have more options to play.
"It's a vicious circle - if he cannot play, he cannot improve his match-fitness, but if he can't train with the team he can't improve his fitness.
"In the meantime, if Gary Cahill and Branislav Ivanovic are doing well, we can keep winning games. I am pleased with both of them."
So, to Mediawatch's clearly uninformed and uneducated eye, that sounds very much like Benitez saying Terry is a bit injured, they don't want to rush him back lest he suffer another setback, and one player won't be an automatic selection because the current centre-backs are doing quite well.
Rift, attack, alienate.
'Paul Ince is reportedly in discussions with Blackpool over the vacant manager's job at Bloomfield Road' - The Press Association (among others), February 14.
'Paul Ince is ready to return to management as boss of Blackpool' - EXCLUSIVE! in The Daily Mirror, February 15.
PHWOOOOAAAAR - LOOK AT THAT DEAD BIRD!
If you haven't already seen the front page of The Sun today, probably best to keep it that way.
The lead story is of course about Oscar Pistorious, and the Paralympian's picture does appear on the front of their paper.
However, that's in two small photos in the bottom right corner. The picture that dominates the front page is the victim, model Reeva Steenkamp, wearing a bikini. And she appears to be in the process of undoing the bikini.
After all, there is literally no other way to sell newspapers, other than to encourage the nation to leer over the breasts of a woman who's barely been dead for 24 hours.
'No Sh*t' Sentence Of The Day
'BT, though, are now somewhat circumspect in promoting their association with the South African athlete, who is facing being charged over the death of his girlfriend at his home' - The Daily Express.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Chubby Checker sues Hewlett-Packard over app to measure penis size' - The Guardian.
Non-Football Childish Giggle Of The Day
"We talked about holding our lengths a little bit longer" - Stuart Broad. In the world of the double entendre, cricket remains king.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'They say the devil has all the best tunes - but if he was looking for a really bad one to inflict on sinners in hell, (How Much Is) That Doggie In The Window would have to be up there. So pity poor Susan Root, who has been hearing the irritating 1950s ditty on a continuous loop for the past three years. She has a rare form of tinnitus which makes the song she recalls from childhood play in her head, 24 hours a day.
'They have given me a hearing aid they hoped would fix my hearing problems and therefore stop the music but it just hasn't worked,' she said. 'I've come to accept that I'm probably going to be stuck with this hellish condition for the rest of my life.' As a girl, Mrs Root, 63, loved Bob Merrill's novelty song - a 1953 number one for Patti Page in the US and Lita Roza in Britain. Now, she is so heartily sick of it she listens to whale music in an attempt to block it out. 'There are times when my husband will be talking to me and I can't hear what he is saying over the music,' she said. 'It can be very frustrating and it drives us both mad at times' - Metro.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Ed Taylor and Shane O'Reilly. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.