When Bale is good, it's down to the manager. Apart from when it's Villas-Boas...
An easy mistake to make, it's not all about Paolo and tears...
Look, we don't want to labour this point but the papers are giving us no sodding choice, so balls to it.
It's Lampard the hero again after Fun-Time Frankie managed the remarkable feat of scoring a goal against League One's Brentford.
'Fans demands new deal for hero Lamps...but Roman isn't listening', claims the headline in The Daily Mirror.
John Cross writes: 'Roman Abramovich is keeping his hands in his pockets when it comes to Frank Lampard...But the Chelsea owner, at the Bridge for the first time in nearly a month, kept his hands firmly in his coat as the fans chanted "sign him up" after Lampard helped the Blues into the fifth round and a tie against Middlesbrough.'
We'll just jump in here and wonder what Mr Cross expected Abramovich to do. Jump up and down squealing and clapping? Rip off his coat to reveal an 'I LOVE FRANK' t-shirt? Draw up a new five-year contract on the spot and race down to the touchline for Lampard to sign?
Cross continues: 'To every Chelsea fan and neutral it seems unthinkable that the club's owner will let Lampard leave...'
Again, we'll jump in and say 'no, it's not unthinkable'. The arrogance of this statement is astonishing, either presuming to know the opinion of every football fan in the country, or assuming that they all unquestioningly swallow the bullsh*t fed to them by the tabloids.
Mediawatch knows of several fans who understand exactly why a very expensive 34-year-old is being released. Mediawatch is one of them. It's impossible to escape the conclusion that journalists like Mr Cross (and we know he isn't the only one) are so sure of their own opinion that they assume everyone agrees.
Not knowing what the fans think is fine for a journalist - he or she can express their own opinion as long as they have decent justification. Just don't profess to know what all the fans think when you clearly don't.
This Sounds Familiar
There is something awfully familiar about the stories around in the press this morning about Arsene Wenger being given a rather large transfer kitty to spend in the summer.
The Daily Telegraph reports this morning that Arsene Wenger will be given £70million to spend in the summer, and it's one we've heard before.
On this very day in 2012, The Daily Mirror reported that Arsenal were 'sitting on a £57million transfer kitty'. On February 16, 2011 the Daily Telegraph said Wenger would have a 'player budget of around £40 million this summer and will be allowed to spend it how he chooses'. It came slightly later in 2010, with The Daily Star reporting that Wenger would go on a '£60million spree' that summer, with Ander Herrera, Moussa Sissoko and Angel Di Maria mentioned as targets.
We're sure it's just a coincidence that the Mirror story in 2012 found its way into the press the day after Arsenal went out of the FA Cup to Sunderland and a few days after their 4-0 defeat to AC Milan in the Champions League. And the Telegraph story in 2011 was the week after that 4-4 draw with Newcastle. And the Star's report in 2010 was conjured from the ether a couple of days after a defeat to Spurs ended their faint title hopes, and the week after they were knocked out of the Champions League by Barcelona.
And of course all of the stories entered the public consciousness at around the time those lovely, juicy season ticket renewals were due.
So forgive Mediawatch if we're not holding our breath on behalf of Gooners everywhere.
As you'll probably be aware, Joe Hart didn't play for Manchester City against Leeds on Sunday.
Hart is described as the 'highest-profile casualty' of Roberto Mancini's selection decisions in The Daily Mirror, while The Daily Star claims Mancini 'wielded the axe' to play Costel Pantimilon instead.
Of course, Pantimilon has played in place of Hart in each of City's four domestic cup games this season.
Wielding the axe indeed.
Brendan Rodgers is of course carving out quite the niche for himself as football's answer to David Brent. Indeed, there's a 'Brent or Brendan' quiz on the Huffington Post. Enjoy.
However, in case you missed it over the weekend, he absolutely excelled himself with the following nugget of wisdom.
Pour a drink, kick off your shoes and make yourself comfortable for this one, because it's a blinder. He said:
"I've always said that you can live without water for many days, but you can't live for a second without hope."
He's his own parody act.
All happy families at Liverpool. They all love and care for each other. They're just good mates.
Said Daniel Sturridge on the official Liverpool website:
"Stevie was very nice to me and let me have the penalty. I guess he knew my pain and thought he would be kind to me."
Ahhh, that sounds nice. Like a big brother taking care of the wee lad. Isn't Stevie a good...oh, hang on, he isn't finished.
"He was asking Carra first, then I asked him. In the end, he let me have it and I thank him very much for giving me the opportunity to score another goal."
Oh. So he basically begged Gerrard to let him have a go. Hugs?
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Bayern for blood' - The Daily Mirror.
Carry On Moment Of The Weekend
"Oh I say, Squadron leader. That hurt" - If there was a camera on ESPN's Craig Burley he would've given it a little wink when reacted to Stephen Warnock getting hit in a delicate place during Manchester City v Leeds.
Showboat Of The Weekend
Come ye marvel at a quite sensational nutmeg from Corinthians left back Fabio Santos against Palmeiras.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A mother's love knows no bounds, but Kimberly Margeson's love for her son may have shown no boundaries. New York State police say 54-year-old Margeson passed two Oxycodone pills to her 30-year-old son, William Partridge, by French-kissing him during a jailhouse visit, MSNnow reported. Margeson was charged with third-degree criminal sale of a controlled substance, a felony, and second-degree promoting prison contraband, a misdemeanour while Partridge was charged with second-degree promoting prison contraband, according to the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle. Margeson pleaded not guilty Tuesday in Middlesex Town Court and was remanded to the Yates County Jail and released in lieu of $2,000 cash bail, deputies said, according to the Elmira Star Gazette' - The Huffington Post.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters JJ Devaney amd Richard Podmore. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.