Mike Ashley almost planned the perfect Trojan Horse, the price of fillet steak and Taylor stands alone...
Newcastle spring a surprise and appoint Greg Kinnear as their new director of football...
The Robbie Fowler Property Academy
"We all live in a Robbie Fowler house," went the chant when Merseyside's prime property baron was spending half the time knocking in goals for Liverpool and the other half hoovering up houses to add to his bulging portfolio.
Well now you can learn how to be just like Robbie, for you can join the 'Robbie Fowler Property Academy'. This, apparently, is a real thing. This gives you the exciting opportunity to attend a FREE two-hour workshop ('additional products and services will be offered for sale') where you can 'learn some of Robbie's investment tactics'.
You'll be taught how to 'identify and negotiate the best deals', succeed in the buy-to-let market' and 'gain the confidence to succeed'.
We promise we're not making this up, by the way.
Still, how exciting! You can get to meet Robbie Fowler! And he can make you rich! You too can become a property baro...oh, hang on, there's some small print...
'Although Robbie won't be there in person, his lead trainer will run the session.'
Oh well this is bullsh*t. What a rip-off. If Robbie Fowler isn't going to be there, buy us a house and then score a quick-fire hat-trick, we're not interested.
Mediawatch noted yesterday that, with money gushing out of the coffers of newspapers like a bust sewage pipe, it might not have been the best investment for every paper to send correspondents to Paris in order to watch David Beckham freeze his handsome testicles off for 75 minutes.
However, Oliver Holt is giving The Daily Mirror good value for the cost of that Eurostar ticket, writing another piece on sexy Becksy this morning.
'He might only have played 15 minutes of Le Classique on Sunday night, but he has already done more than many of his critics suggested he could.'
Mediawatch read plenty of criticism of the Beckham move, but we don't think we saw anything that said Beckham wouldn't manage a single substitute appearance. Holt is a sod for this sort of straw man argument, taking a suggestion from the more extreme ends of the Twitter guff stream, the loudest phone-in blowhards and Jeff Powell.
Holt notes of Beckham's 15 minutes on the pitch: 'PSG were clinging to a 1-0 lead when Ancelotti threw Beckham into the maelstrom with the instruction to keep the ball. Beckham did more than that. He did not give the ball away but in the closing minutes he helped set up the Ibrahimovic goal that clinched the game.'
For the record, Beckham attempted 12 passes in his 15 minutes on the field. Four of them - or one third, if you prefer - went awry.
Mediawatch loves Beckham and his lovely hair and passing as much as anyone, but he's going to be a minor part in a league championship that nobody in the British press cared about a couple of months ago. Let's not get giddy now, chaps.
Manchester, So Much To Answer For
Headline from The Daily Mirror: 'Hi Manchester! Lewandowski set to quit Germany and join United.'
Quotes from Robert Lewandowski's agent: "Anyone who has followed Robert's career will know that he has never played at any club for longer than two years. At Dortmund, he has been playing his third season. Anyone who can read between the lines knows what that means."
Mentions of Manchester United, or indeed any other club at all: None.
As Gareth Bale and the Tottenham players leapt into Andre Villas-Boas's arms following the Welshman's winner against West Ham on Monday evening, Mediawatch's first thought was how lovely it all was, but shortly afterwards, we were reminded of the following piece by Paul Jiggins in The Sun, from September.
Jiggins wrote, under the headline 'SPURS IN TURMOIL - 'Tired' stars slam AVB': 'UNHAPPY Tottenham stars held showdown talks with Andre Villas-Boas over his training and tactics...AVB is said to have been left reeling by the mutiny, which reportedly follows bust-ups with some of the club's old guard behind the scenes.'
It's worth noting that Bale clarified this story a few days later, saying a couple of the players had indeed had a quiet word with Villas-Boas and various things had been tweaked.
Turmoil and mutiny indeed.
We can't see what could possibly go wrong here.
Reports The BBC Website: 'Football fans exiting Newcastle's St James' Park could be speeded on their way if plans to install slides outside the ground are approved.
'Business improvement company NE1 wants to set up two "travel accelerators" beside the steps leading to the car park and Metro station. They would be similar in design to ones used by commuters at Overvecht railway station in Utrecht, Netherlands.
'NE1 said the slides were intended "to inject some fun" into Newcastle.'
What could the problem be with hundreds of beered-up, robust and shirtless Geordies (Enough with the lazy regional stereotypes - Ed) all trying to get down a slide outside St James's Park at the same time, realising someone has done a little wee just a bit too late?
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Master of Paris' - The Daily Mirror.
Quote Of The Day
"Even if there is one game to go and we are 12 points behind, we'll still believe" - Joe Hart hopes for the mathematically unlikely.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A homeless US man will soon have well over $150,000 (£98,000) after he returned an engagement ring to a woman who accidentally dropped it in his cup earlier this month. Sarah Darling's fiancé set up a website seeking donations for Billy Ray Harris, who frequently panhandles on Kansas City's Country Club Plaza. By Tuesday morning, more than 6,000 people had donated more than $148,000 to the fund. "I think in our world we often jump to like the worst conclusion, and it just makes you realise that there are good people out there," Ms Darling said.
'Mr Harris discovered the ring about an hour after Darling dumped spare change from her coin purse into his cup. She had taken off her ring earlier that day and put it with the coins. "The ring was so big that I knew if it was real, it was expensive," Mr Harris told KCTV. Ms Darling was upset when she realised the next day what she had done. She went back to Mr Harris, squatted beside him and told him that she might have given him something valuable. "'Was it a ring?'" he recalled asking her. "And she says, 'Yeah.' And I said 'Well, I have it.' " Ms Darling gave Mr Harris all the cash she had in her wallet at the time. "It seemed like a miracle," Ms Darling said. "I thought for sure there was no way I would get it back." In explaining why he did not keep the ring, Mr Harris said he had a religious upbringing. "My grandfather was a reverend," Mr Harris said. "He raised me from the time I was six months old and thank the good Lord, it's a blessing, but I do still have some character" - The Daily Telegraph.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter John Bristow. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.