Mike Ashley almost planned the perfect Trojan Horse, the price of fillet steak and Taylor stands alone...
Newcastle spring a surprise and appoint Greg Kinnear as their new director of football...
Big-Boned, Stout, Husky Etc
There's a bit of pussy-footing around in the papers this morning. A bit of tentative wordplay. A bit of word-mincing.
Wayne Rooney is variously described as 'not in optimum condition' (The Daily Mail), 'his physical condition is not what it should be' (The Daily Express), he 'has not tailored the way he lives to get the best out of his career' (The Daily Star), 'in insufficiently good shape' (The Daily Telegraph) and 'his shape and condition are becoming more of an issue' (The Times).
Let's cut to the chase here, chaps - he's fat. Not as fat as Jon Parkin, Ade Akinfenwa or Frank Lampard, not as fat as Mediawatch, but by the standards of a professional athlete, he's fat.
It's quicker. It's cleaner. And most importantly, it's more accurate. You're welcome.
As a quick aside, hats off to The Sun and The Daily Star for claiming the 'Rooney out' story as a 'WORLD EXCLUSIVE' and a just plain old 'EXCLUSIVE' respectively.
Headline from The Daily Mail website: 'Graham Poll: This terrible trend of demonising the referee has to stop.'
Other headlines from The Daily Mail website:
- 'The Cakir hit-list: The Turkish ref has a history of punishing Premier League stars...'
- 'What happened when Sportsmail tracked down ref who stunned United with Nani red?'
- ' Revealed: The amazing stats of card-happy ref who sent off Nani - and he follows Ronaldo and Real Madrid on Twitter'
- 'Referee Cakir might have felt Ferguson and Ferdinand's wrath at Old Trafford, but he should be thankful he wasn't subjected to this...'
Insert Own Seaman Joke Here
You may be familiar with a thing called Twitter. You may also know that on this 'Twitter' you can 'favourite' tweets. However, you may not know that the whole world can see which tweets a user can 'favourite'.
Nigel Martyn apparently didn't know this, because until late last evening the former Leeds and Everton goalie had one tweet 'favourited'. And that tweet was a picture. It was a picture of a very open-minded young lady from a gentleman's private special interest film. And it was a picture from...how to put this delicately...the traditional 'denouement' of said gentleman's private special interest film.
'Obviously I've removed the offending picture and I can assure everyone it had nothing to do with me,' said Martyn last eve, as a nation narrowed its eyes and scratched its chin.
Incidentally, all those tweets that Mediawatch has favourited are for a friend. They're simply resting in our account.
Crisis, Crisis, There Simply Must Be A Crisis
Interesting stuff from The Daily Telegraph this morning.
On their website, the headline for Henry Winter's bout of thundering reads: 'Uefa referees in crisis not our English clubs after decision to send off Nani in Manchester United's clash with Real.'
Yowsers. Winter starts off with some relatively sensible stuff about the lack of English clubs in the latter stages of the Champions League does not necessarily mean we should all start wailing and moaning, football is cyclical etc and so on.
However, having established that one piece of evidence doesn't constitute a crisis for one issue, Winter then performs an about-turn on another.
He writes, about refereeing decisions: '(Cuneyt) Cakir's inability to understand the difference between accidental and aggressive should not be allowed to prejudice thinking of the Premier League. Cakir got it wrong. Without his mistake, United would probably have won and the inquest would have focused on Spanish football not English. Fine lines.
'The spotlight flits between Continental Schadenfreude over Premier League travails and also Uefa refereeing edicts. On Sunday, White Hart Lane hosted one of the most intelligent refereeing performances of the season with Mark Clattenburg's sensitive handling of the north London derby. Two days later, Old Trafford rightly fumed at the incompetence of Cakir. Both officials are in contention for the World Cup. Heaven help teams in Brazil if Cakir is selected ahead of Clattenburg.'
This position will presumably hold until Clattenburg makes a decision that seems ludicrous to the immediate opinion of watching journalists, but is actually a little more defensible when the wording of the laws is considered.
Winter goes on: 'Cakir's ineptitude has undermined Uefa's credibility, especially after the once-respected Pierluigi Collina, Nyon's refereeing guru, came out and backed him. A raised foot need not be dangerous. Applying Cakir's logic means that goals celebrated by Uefa and Fifa, such as Zlatan Ibrahimovic's overhead kick against England in Stockholm, would be ruled out because he could have harmed nearby opponents.'
The flaw in using that example is that Nani's foot actually made an impression on Alvaro Arbeloa's ribcage, whereas there was nobody within about seven or eight yards of Zlatan for his overhead, as you can see here.
There isn't necessarily a crisis in English football, and there isn't necessarily a crisis in European refereeing. There really doesn't have to be a crisis anywhere. Maybe someone should tell The Telegraph.
English newspapers have pulled some strange stunts at times, but we can't recall any of Fleet Street's finest collaring a tea boy, filling him with booze then putting him in a car.
That's what Danish daily Ekstra Bladet did however, in a perhaps misguided attempt to show how dangerous Nicklas Bendtner's conduct was.
Here it is, and we've even put it through Google translate for you.
From the Football Writers Association interview with Paul Jiggins of The Sun, who is asked what one change he would make to 'improve PR between football clubs and football writers':
'All match reports to include 'mixed zone reports' chronicling the behaviour of players afterwards. It might give fans an idea of how rude some of their highly-paid 'butter wouldn't melt' heroes really are.
'What kind of industry is it when a teenage div in a huge pair of headphones believes he is well within his rights to completely ignore a polite request from a professional journalist 20 years his senior just because he is fortunate enough to be able to run fast or kick a ball hard? Only in this industry is this kind of behaviour tolerated. Could you imagine an apprentice labourer behaving like that on a building site?'
Let's scoot past the improbability of actually wanting to speak to an apprentice labourer, and muse whether Jiggins might have slightly better luck with his interviews if he didn't call them 'divs'.
And furthermore, if they're such 'divs', why do you want to speak to them in the first place?
Can't Wait To See This One
From The BBC Website's report on Millwall v Wolves:
'Sylvan Ebanks-Blake made the game safe with a stunning overhead free-kick just after the hour mark.'
'But What The F*ck Did It Have To Do With Him?' Headline Of The Day
'Beckham flies flag' - The Sun on PSG's defeat of Valencia.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Wayne Cloud' - The Sun. At least they didn't go with 'Roo' or some var...oh, no, wait, of course they did.
Non-Football Headline Of The Day
'Man flees wearing nothing but condom as Lion kills Woman in Zimbabwe' - ZimDiaspora.com.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'An amorous Chinese student decided to declare his love for a girl by sending her a bottle of his sperm in a scene reminiscent of Cameron Diaz's hit movie There's Something About Mary. But he was arrested after she mistook the gift for moisturiser, which she applied to her face and promptly called the police. According to a report in The Sun, besotted Gou Wen, 22, apologised and was forced to pay the teenage girl £200 compensation.
'The 'victim' of his affections, Zeng Lin, 19, had rubbed half the fluid on to her face before she asked her flatmate why it smelled so strange. Wen, from Chongqing in China, said: 'I love her so much but she didn't know it and I didn't know how to tell her, so I did that thinking it was the ultimate way to show love. Now I know I was wrong, but I will find another way.' In the meantime, she might be advised to avoid any surprise gifts of hair gel' - The Metro
'POLICE arrested a woman during a drugs raid - and found a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina. Suspect Christie Dawn Harris, 28, had the weapon pointing up inside herself with just the handle sticking out. A female officer made the startling find during a search in Oklahomana, US, which also uncovered bags of methamphetamine hidden up her bottom. The official police report tells how the cop spotted the .22-calibre shooter "sticking out from" her privates. Officer Kathy Unbewust observed "a wooden and metal item sticking out from her vagina area." It had three live rounds inside and one spent shell' - The Sun.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Sudeshan Pillay, James Ohlsen, Philip Holland, Antony Bolton and Chris Anderson. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.