Manchester United are the only club with a decent academy and never just spend money on foreigners. Oh no. And Jeff Powell writes about what he knows best...
The Mail do an about turn on Ronaldo's future, throwing poo at a wall and...
Shake It Up
Quick update, in case you were wondering, every national newspaper this morning - that's The Sun, The Daily Mirror, The Daily Star, The Daily Express, The Daily Mail, The Daily Telegraph, The Independent, The Guardian and The Times - lead their football coverage with back-page headlines about Sir Alex Ferguson apparently not shaking Rafa Benitez's hand.
With that information in mind, and having taken the time to write out all the papers available to us in the UK, Mediawatch wonders if setting the whole lot of them on fire in the street outside F365 Towers might be a better use of our time than reading the bloody things.
Still, as this is now a 'thing', and if Fergie really did 'snub' Rafa, it would be unfair of us not to remind you of what Fergie said when Luis Suarez committed this same heinous sin (in admittedly different circumstances) last year:
"He's a disgrace to Liverpool Football Club, that certain player should not be allowed to play for Liverpool again.
"The history that club's got and he does that and in a situation like today could have caused a riot.
"I was really disappointed in that guy, it was terrible what he did."
Reports David Maddock in The Daily Mirror:
'There was no overselling of what was a magnificent tussle between two well-matched sides, Luis Suarez and Gareth Bale more than justifying their depiction as dead-eyed hit men engaging in a lethal shoot-out.'
Shots attempted by Bale and Suarez: Eight.
Shots on target by Bale and Suarez: Two.
The first rule of constructing an argument based on numbers and stats is to pick your sample size carefully. And by 'carefully' we mean 'the size that suits your argument the best'.
Steven Gerrard is clearly a master of this theory, because after Liverpool won their third game on the spin on Sunday (they lost the one before at home to West Brom), he said the following:
"I think on current form, along with ourselves, Tottenham are probably the best team in the league."
One suspects Manchester United - top of the league by 12 points, 26 clear of Liverpool (with a game in hand, so if they win that one Liverpool's hopes of overhauling them will be mathematically gone), who have dropped just four points from their last available 48 - might have a word to say about that.
Noel Hunt wasn't happy with the performance of the officials in Reading's defeat to Aston Villa at the weekend.
"I've seen the offside and I've seen the penalty on me in the first half and it's a disgrace," he told The Reading Post.
"The linesman's position was shocking and he was two or three yards behind it."
Luckily, Hunt took the time to break it down for the lino and everyone else.
"I was trying to see where the ball was coming from and my chest is off, but my feet behind," he said.
Nice of him to - while explaining why the linesman was wrong - point out exactly why the linesman was right.
Matt Hughes writes in The Times, about Wayne Rooney:
'The England striker lived up to Ferguson's rather crude characterisation of being an individual who 'sells papers' by scoring within 11 minutes of his return to Manchester United's starting line-up, but thereafter did little to attract the attention of the headline writers, never mind anyone in the circulation department.'
Hughes writes this in a two-page spread dedicated to Rooney in the Times' 20-page football supplement. Rather proved Fergie's 'crude' point there, eh?
George Hamilton had a line and boy did he run with it on RTE's highlights of QPR v Sunderland on 'Premier Soccer Saturday'.
After Jermaine Jenas goal: "And could Harry Houdidni be about to do it again?!"
30 seconds later: "Harry Houdini is at it again with QPR's first back to back victories in the Premier League."
And to finish: "It finished QPR 3 Sunderland 1 and maybe Harry Houdidni is about to do it again!"
Solemn news from Colombia now, a country that has had its share of such solemnity over the years.
This is right up there with the most solemn. The most solemny. The solemnist.
For Carlos Valderrama has cut off his afro.
We're sorry to be the ones to bring you this news, and hope with the support of your friends and family you can get through this difficult time.
Unnecessary Apology Of The Day
"I want to apologise for the gesture I did towards the Leeds fans in yesterday's game. Very unprofessional from me" - Wilfried Zaha says sorry for flipping the bird to Leeds fans. Wilf, only giving Leeds fans the finger is the very height of restraint. Don't worry about it.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'U SAved Us' - The Daily Mirror on American man Brad Guzan playing well. Eesh.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A topless barmaid says she was unfairly dismissed after refusing to change kegs in the cool room in her undies. Nicole Keenan, 29, said she had completed five shifts at Darwin's Airport Hotel when they told her agency they would no longer require her. "I have been given no reason for the sacking, no warning and no managerial explanation," she told the NT News. "It wouldn't happen in any other job." Her sacking came after she was forced to change kegs in the cool room - which is not one of her regular jobs.
"As far as I've been told topless barmaids don't change kegs. It's an OH&S issue," she said. "You don't go into the freezer in your underwear." Ms Keenan said she had already budgeted for the regular shifts, which pay more than $60 an hour, and was left "financially stressed" after the unexpected sacking. "Just because we don't have our tops on doesn't mean we deserve any less respect," she said' - Daily Telegraph.com.au.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Tat Chan and JJ Devaney. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.