England fans targeted for muggings and rapes, United go from credit to crisis in seven days and the curse that's not a curse...
Arsene Wenger is 'NOT UPSET', Roberto Martinez issues a dodgy guarantee and the 'daunting' 0.0868% chance...
He Blue Himself
You almost have to admire The Daily Mail's commitment to bullsh*t on their website.
We know it's a little tricky to come up with an interesting angle on David Moyes's first day at Manchester United - 'Man shows up for work, as we have known he would do for a couple of months' isn't the most dynamic headline.
However, The Mail's website carries a picture of Moyes driving into Carrington, and circles the blue folder on the passenger seat of his car - the 'Everton blue' folder, as they put it.
'Moyes looked keen to retain a little of his Everton identity as he arrived with a blue folder on the passenger seat,' they claim.
But why stop there? Moyes is wearing a pale blue shirt - why not point out it's a 'Manchester City blue' shirt? And the car is black and white - or 'Newcastle black and white', you could say.
Of course, you wouldn't say that because a) you're not a complete cretin and b) you don't work for The Daily Mail.
Sold A Pup
We're in the fallow period for football news now where no actual football is happening, and there are lots of interesting things that are not football (if you can imagine such a thing) to fill column inches in the paper.
So journalists fighting for space will obviously be looking for a sexy angle to sell to their editors.
So hats off to Tony Banks of The Daily Express for persuading his boss to run his EXCLUSIVE! about Roman Abramovich this morning.
Banks' story is this: apparently Abramovich wants to win more things at Chelsea.
No, no, wait, come back - he's got a quote from 'a source close to the reclusive* tycoon', who said:
"Roman wants to win everything again. He wants to win everything - even though he has already won everything."
So, famously demanding billionaire owner of one of the best clubs in the country wants to win stuff. EXCLUSIVE!
* No, we don't think he knows what 'reclusive' means either. 'Doesn't talk to the press' does not mean that Abramovich is a latter-day Howard Hughes, holed up in a ramshackle mansion with only jars of his own excretions for company. He's at Stamford Bridge whenever Chelsea play. We know this because the TV cameras always show him.
Writes Antony Kastrinakis in The Sun, about the new managers of Real Madrid and Bayern Munich in the Champions League:
'If they avoid each other in the knock-outs, Ancelotti and Guardiola will most likely shake hands before kick-off at the Estadio da Luz in Lisbon in next May's final.'
Aye, the two best teams in a knock-out competition will certainly face each other in the final of said competition. That's exactly how it works.
We'll Wait And See
Hats off to Sunday Life, a Northern Irish newspaper, for we think they have produced the worst transfer story of all time.
'GET MESSI! United set to swoop for Barca superstar,' announced the newspaper at the weekend.
The paper claimed: 'Old Trafford chiefs are desperate to provide new boss David Moyes with a marquee signing this summer and, with Brazilian wonderkid Neymar's arrival at the Nou Camp throwing £80million-rated Messi's future into question, United are ready to swoop.'
Tell you what - we'll just see how this one pans out.
Glad That's Clear
'David Moyes will walk straight into a searching test of his man-management skills next week after it emerged Wayne Rooney is still angling to leave Old Trafford' - The Daily Mail, June 28.
'Rooney is said to be approaching the talks positively and is keen to start afresh with the new manager' - The Daily Mail, June 29.
'The England international is understood to have made up his mind that a change of club is the best way for him to revive his career ahead of the World Cup next summer' - The Daily Mail, July 1.
'What?' Exchange Of The Weekend
Mark Lawrenson: "What's Fred's nickname?"
Guy Mowbray: "Fredje."
Lawro: "He looks like he's been in the Fredje..."
'What?' Quote Of The Weekend
"For me, there is a limit and, in the next five to 10 years, I will quit coaching. To compete in the Dakar Rally is a lifetime ambition for me and is something I know I have to do. It went from a passion to an obligation, a destination of life, but I can only do it when I leave football. I will do it" - Andre Villas-Boas has plans.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'AVB gets all Cro for whizkids' - The Sun. A play on 'all go', if you were struggling. We think.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man whose girlfriend told him she loved her hamster more than him broke into her flat and released the animal, a court heard. Andrew Walsh, 30, released Harry the hamster from his cage after his girlfriend admitted she loved Harry more than him. Walsh, of Blackpool, Lancashire, planned his revenge on the pet and broke into Julie Hanson's flat to "give Harry his freedom", Blackpool Magistrates Court heard.
'The hamster was later found hiding under a rug unharmed but during the break-in Walsh stole a TV set from Ms Hanson's flat. He broke into his girlfriend's home when he knew she was staying with her mum after playing bingo. Walsh broke her front door down and then opened the door to Harry's cage before leaving with the TV set' - The Daily Telegraph.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Toby Sprigings. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.