Roy Hodgson is asked the perfect question, Mr Grumpypants is back, Jamie Redknapp hates making comparisons. Plus Ace-watch, you lucky things...
England fans targeted for muggings and rapes, United go from credit to crisis in seven days and the curse that's not a curse...
The Life And Times Of JFK
Oh Joe. Oh dear Joe. We feel a little like it's too easy to poke fun at Joe F***ing Kinnear but it is our civic duty as a watcher of football media. If you feel sorry for confused, elderly gentlemen and think they should be left alone to eat Werthers Originals, tend their allotments and be in sole charge of the transfer dealings of one of English football's elite clubs, then skip this section.
Kinnear is continuing his self-promotional tour of the local north-east media and his tram has now stopped at the Shields Gazette, where he argues that he is "head and shoulders above every other director of football". Why's that, Joe?
"I'm probably the only football manager to be a director of football. I don't know any other ex-managers who have."
For a man who "can pick the phone up at any time of the day and speak to any manager in the league in all the divisions", Kinnear has a remarkably poor knowledge of who's in charge at all these clubs. Mediawatch would have assumed that Peterborough's director of football (and ex-manager) Barry Fry would be a natural bedfellow of Kinnear's, even if Crawley's Steve Coppell does not move in the same comedy cockney circles. Kinnear may also remember that both Kenny Dalglish and Harry Redknapp have had spells as Directors of Football and we seem to remember them as occasional managers. But who are we to nit-pick? Well, we're dedicated nit-pickers obviously...
"I've won every award there is in football as a player."
To be fair, Kinnear won a fair few things as a player - two League Cups, an FA Cup and a UEFA Cup. No league title, no World Cup, no European Cup, no Conference North, but he did say 'award' rather than 'trophy', so presumably he must have won the Ballon D'Or, the PFA Footballer of the Year and possibly a BAFTA, right? Erm. What do you think?
I'm lending my experience as a manager for all those years - 10 years at Wimbledon, two years at Nottingham Forest, two years winning promotion at Luton and, of course, almost two years at Newcastle."
Or, alternatively, seven years at Wimbledon, 11 months at Nottingham Forest, two years winning promotion (after initial relegation) at Luton and, of course, almost five months at Newcastle.
Mediawatch is painfully reminded of the time Granddad Mediawatch belted out 'Do Your Balls Hang Low?' in the doctor's waiting room. He was given medication rather than a Director of Football job.
Headline on the back page (yes, the back page) of The Sun: 'WE'LL WIN PREM WITH ROO'.
Opening paragraph on the back page of The Sun: 'JACK WILSHERE has urged Arsenal to sign Wayne Rooney - claiming he would win them the title and put "fear" into their rivals.'
Actual quotes from Jack Wilshere: "He is the type of player who can win you trophies."
Note to The Sun: There's more than one trophy. Glad to help.
That interview with Jack Wilshere (conducted by ESPNfc.com, who bizarrely don't get a mention in The Sun) not only reveals that Wayne Rooney would win Arsenal the Premier League title (it doesn't) but also gives an insight into the comedic capacity of the average footballer. It's all about subtlety, you see.
'Question: Speaking of quality, have you seen the photo on the Web of Higuain's wife modeling lingerie? I've printed it out just in case you missed it.
Answer: [Wilshere's eyes widen and he smiles] That's the sort of picture that will go right up on the bulletin board in the changing room. Some of the lads like to put up photos of other players' wives and girlfriends and have a bit of banter.'
Forget dead parrots and fork handles, what's really funny is pointing at a picture of a man's wife and then laughing at her choice of knicker. Or something.
According to The Sun, West Brom are about to 'replace one bad boy for another' as Nicolas Anelka could join the club just as Peter Odemwingie is leaving.
a) Nicolas Anelka is 34 years old.
b) He was last seen being what Mediawatch considers 'quite sulky' in about 2001.
Warning Of The Day
According to The Sun, 'David Moyes took charge of Manchester United for the first time yesterday - and sent a warning a mile down the road'.
Ooooh. What kind of warning? Did it involve gunshots? Let's hear your big talk, Moyesey.
"I have great faith that together, we can build upon the success this club has enjoyed over many years."
Run. For. Cover.
That's My Goal
It's not just the tabloids who do a fine line in over-selling frankly awful quotes. At F365 we took one look at those Moyes quotes and decided that a picture kind of looking like he might be possibly going into the toilets was more interesting than him saying he quite hoped United would be quite good actually. It's why we don't work for The Sun. That and a mutual loathing.
We also read entirely innocuous quotes from John Obi Mikel - "I have a four-year contract with Chelsea, but you know, in football you can never guess, one day you are here, the next day you might leave" - and decided that they did not merit a mention on our homepage.
But not everybody is so discerning.
Tweet from Goal.com: 'BIG Chelsea news. Which midfielder says he could be leaving the club this summer'.
Troll Of The Week
The award goes to Adrian Durham (fresh from hilariously re-naming 19-year-old Laura Robson as Loser Robson on TalkSport) in his Daily Mail online column for this piece of click-pimping artistry: 'In fact I wonder how good Luis Suarez actually is. He's got quality and ability - probably more than most. But looking good in the Dutch league and standing out in one of the most average Liverpool sides I've seen in my lifetime does not constitute a top-level player.'
Form a queue to tell him Suarez has scored 38 goals in 77 Premier League games to the sound of 100,000 clicks and laughter from their finance department.
Question Of The Day
At what point this season will Liverpool quietly drop their vomit-inducing #riseupLFC hashtag?
Headline Of The Day
'REDS' HEN PARTY IS ON HOLD' - The Daily Mirror.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'LESCOTT'S PELL D-DAY' - The Daily Star. We're mostly upset that they're not sticking with the 'MAN' as their preferred shortened version of Manuel Pellegrini.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A 42-year-old man stabbed his mother with a fork while eating from a jar of pickles, Skipton magistrates heard. David North had been drinking and was hovering over his mother eating pickles at her Skipton home between Christmas and the New Year, the court heard on Monday. Eileen Bogg, 66, told the court she told her son to go to bed or sit down because she did not like people in her space and was concerned he would fall on top of her. But instead, he stabbed her in the arm with the fork, drawing blood and leaving four puncture wounds. Mrs Bogg told the court she believed her carers had informed the police and the incident was just the kind of thing that happened in families over Christmas' - Craven Herald. Hands up if you assumed Mrs Bogg then cut off her son's penis in revenge.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Tim Barlow and Ed Quoth the Raven. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.