Roy Hodgson is asked the perfect question, Mr Grumpypants is back, Jamie Redknapp hates making comparisons. Plus Ace-watch, you lucky things...
England fans targeted for muggings and rapes, United go from credit to crisis in seven days and the curse that's not a curse...
Alan Pardew's campaign to convince the world that he's a man of dignity continues apace. After ticking off PSG boss Laurent Blanc for speaking publicly about Yohan Cabaye (only to then reveal his own interest in Loic Remy and Darren Bent), Pardew asserted that his decency will help to improve Newcastle's fortunes next season.
"I'd like to think through all of the adversity last year, I tried to carry the club with respect," he said.
"I didn't lose my control or lose my temper with the players, or the press. Those qualities will serve me better this year."
Yes, not once did he lose control. He definitely didn't shove assistant referee Peter Kirkup or jump into the crowd following Papiss Cisse's last-minute winner against Fulham. That was all Alain Pardieu, his alter ego.
Week In, Week Out
Martin Jol, June 3: "We offered Mark a new contract, but the only thing is he wanted to be guaranteed to be the No. 1."
Mark Schwarzer, June 3: "Something will be sorted out...The key is playing week in, week out. That's always the key regardless of what position you play."
Mark Schwarzer, July 10, having just signed for Chelsea: "Petr is number one - that goes without saying...it was very easy to make the decision that Chelsea was the right club for me."
I'm The Boss
'David Moyes showed Wayne Rooney who's boss as he launched the post-Alex Ferguson era,' writes Cliff Hayes in The Sun.
Wow, what could this mean? Has Moyes made a grandiose gesture of some sort? Has he laid down the law? Showed Rooney that he holds all the cards? Pointed to that little sign on his office door?
'New Manchester United manager Moyes and rebel striker Rooney were back together on the Carrington training ground yesterday with the rest of the squad.'
Ah, so football manager leads scheduled training session. Rooney won't know what's hit him.
Man Sits Down
It's not only The Sun that have a field day with pics of Manchester United returning to pre-season training. The Daily Mail squeeze every last drop out of a shot of David Moyes sitting in a chair with the following paragraph:
'New Manchester United manager David Moyes felt the need for a rest to ease his aching feet during training yesterday. Maybe the pace is a bit hotter at United than it was at Everton, but the Scot will be hoping for a blistering start to the campaign.'
Mediawatch will admit that 'man sits down' is a pretty juicy story, but we can't wait for the shots of Moyes standing up again in tomorrow's paper...
'EXCLUSIVE: David Moyes stands up. The new Manchester United manager asserted his authority at pre-season training by standing on the training pitch, using both his legs and feet. Moyes clearly feels his squad stand a strong chance of retaining their title and expects them to stand firm against their rivals. Stand. Standing.'
Former England international Paul Parker has proved once again that it's not only on television where ex-pros are allowed to talk nonsense.
Parker makes a strong start in his Eurosport 'Expert' column, claiming that 'Chelsea are unlikely to be the joyous attacking force that they were for large chunks of last season'.
The reason for this belief is that Jose Mourinho's strengths 'lie in organising sides defensively'.
That opinion might pass from someone who admits to not having watched either of Mourinho's teams since his last stint at Chelsea, but Parker is supposedly an 'expert', a voice of authority on such matters.
One would expect him, then, to have paid much more attention to Real Madrid over the past three seasons, in which they averaged 2.7 goals per game and conceded an average of 0.94. A pretty poor ratio for a manager happy to employ 'negative' tactics to win matches.
Mediawatch would also note that in Real Madrid's title victory in 2011/12, Mourinho's team set new records for La Liga victories in a single season, number of away victories, number of goals scored and points total in Spain's top flight. Quite impressive considering all the negativity.
Parker continues the theme by claiming that 'Joe Cole's career effectively ended when Mourinho arrived at Chelsea, all the flair was rubbed out of him. (Andre) Schurrle should take note'.
Forgetting the slightly unpleasant image of Mourinho 'rubbing' the flair out of Joe Cole, Mediawatch would recommend that Schurrle instead takes note of Cole's haul of three Premier League titles, three FA Cups and two League Cups during and after Mourinho's time at Chelsea, when his career was 'effectively ended'.
But don't take our word for it, why not hear from Cole himself: "He's a great guy (Mourinho), I owe him a lot and we had some great successes together."
Worst Headlines Of The Day
'Rouble Ahead For Nani' - The Daily Mirror.
''Friends' ROO-united!' - The Sun.
'Laudrup's A Swanted Man' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A 63-year-old man who travelled from Windsor, Ontario. to Toronto to fulfil a lifelong dream of visiting a Legoland Discovery Centre, feels discriminated against and embarrassed after being turned away because he didn't have a child with him.
'John St-Onge has been a self-described "Lego fanatic" ever since his children were young and he first began buying them sets, ranging from miniature cities and farmscapes to models of the Star Wars Millenium Falcon.
'Once his kids grew older and found other interests, John stuck with Lego, breaking down and rebuilding their sets, and buying new ones to add to his own collection. He now has around 75 sets, comprising about 50,000 pieces of Lego.
'John and his daughter, Nicole St-Onge, saved up, planned the trip and made the three-hour drive, only to be turned away at the door because of a rule, unbeknown to them, that adults must be accompanied by a child in order to get in.
'"They wouldn't let us go in and so we asked to see a manager," Nicole said. "Five minutes later the employee came back and said the manager was too busy to see us, but that was their policy, they weren't allowed in without a child and there was nothing they could do about it."
'As a result, they turned around and headed back to Windsor.
'"I was crushed. My dad is 63 years old, he was devastated. The look on his face was like a child not getting the gift at Christmas that they want."' - ctvnews.ca
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Cameron Boyd, Ed Poulton and Steve D. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.