Arsene Wenger is 'NOT UPSET', Roberto Martinez issues a dodgy guarantee and the 'daunting' 0.0868% chance...
Do as Dave says or he'll sack ya, the healing hands of Tony Pulis and more unpleasant images...
Let's kick off a Mediawatching week with a reminder - something that is useful to do every now and then - that Clarence Seedorf is better than you.
At more or less everything.
This Means Nothing
Mediawatch often places too much importance on trivial things. We frequently take 'Not having a drink thrown in our face' as a sure fire sign that a lady is uber hot for us, for example. That's got us into a few scrapes and no mistake.
On a similar theme, there seems to be a thread running through some of the newspapers this morning.
The Sun reports on Nicklas Helenius's 'dream start' for Aston Villa, while also noting that Manchester City will be looking for a striker after they 'drew a blank' at the weekend. The Daily Mail says City's 'chronic lack of strikers' was exposed at the weekend, while The Daily Star warns that Manuel Pellegrini 'tasted defeat in his first game as Manchester City manager'. We could go on.
Can we just make clear that the results of these friendly matches mean precisely two-fifths of f*ck all. Squads are not complete, many have missing players due to injury/international duty etc, youth team players are used but, most importantly, these are not proper games. You might as well report on Pellegrini being on the losing side in a training five-a-side game.
So newspapers - stop reporting on these pre-season kickabouts like they mean something. They do not.
'Thiago Alcantara is poised to seal a £15million switch to Manchester United to realise his World Cup dream. United are closing in on the capture of the sought-after Barcelona playmaker after detailed talks between the two clubs...United are close to sealing the capture of Thiago, beating Bayern Munich and Chelsea, who were both desperate to sign the rising star...it is understood the attacking midfielder feels his career will be best served with a move to United' - The Daily Mirror, June 21.
'Manchester United are on the verge of signing Barcelona midfield star Thiago Alcantara in a £17million deal' - The Daily Mail, June 21.
'Manchester United sources have stated to ESPN that a deal for Thiago Alcantara is now "very close", as the club feel the situation has taken a positive turn over the past few days' - ESPN, July 2.
'Thiago Alcantara moved a step closer to Manchester United last night. Sources close to the Spanish Under-21 midfielder say a five-year deal worth an initial £17.5 million are 'well advanced' and that "only little details remain to close the operation". Bayern Munich, managed by former Barcelona coach Pep Guardiola, are also interested but the source added: "Thiago is very excited about the chance to play in the Premier League. He's always loved it" - The Sun, July 7.
What To Believe?
So, this Cesc Fabregas to Manchester United thing. Mediawatch is undecided whether it's simply nonsense picked from the ether or a ludicrously misguided and pointless waste of time on the part of United.
The Independent reports that after missing out on Thiago, United have returned to Barcelona to see what else is in their midfield cupboard.
'The loss of Thiago to the Bundesliga champions will reduce Barcelona's inclination to sell and United would need to find in the order of £34m if they are to secure the former Arsenal player's services.'
So having basically pricked around for a month, attempting to nab one of Barca's midfielders who subsequently went elsewhere, United are going back to take another player from a now-weakened area of the Catalans' team? And they think £34million is going to do it?
Wow, That Escalated Quickly
'Matthias Sammer has played down talk Bayern Munich's pursuit of Barcelona midfielder Thiago Alcantara is a done deal..."Why would we not communicate it if something was signed? No, of course that is not the case" - F365, 13.30, Sunday.
'Barcelona have reached an agreement with Bayern Munich over the transfer of midfielder Thiago Alcantara to the Bundesliga club' - F365, 18.53, Sunday.
Question Of The Day
'Michael proves even more ruthless than his father. In the climactic requiem sequence, he has Greene shot. Will Moyes prove as unyielding?' - Martin Samuel compares David Moyes and Jose Mourinho to The Godfather.
'That's Almost Certainly Not True' Tweet Of The Day
'WHAT'S IN A NAME? Superstitions, holidays and room mates. Fascinating Q&A with @officialvieira now on CityTV' - The Manchester City feed rather overestimates how interesting Paddy Vieira saying which sock he puts on first is.
Quote Of The Day
"The ad shows how crucial Sky is to the lives of their customers at home and on the move" - David Beckham is very firmly on-message as Sky's new salesman.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Police arrested a man after he gatecrashed an eight-year-old's birthday party and treated himself to pizza and balloon animals while annoyed parents looked on. The 28-year-old, who wasn't wearing shoes or a shirt at the time, was asked to leave after he arrived uninvited to the celebration in Seattle, Washington. But the intruder reportedly refused, which led to him getting into a bust-up with concerned parents.
'The police were then called and found the assailant lying near a pool in the Green Lake area. The authorities proceeded to arrest the man after they had checked to see if he needed medical attention. They observed he was potentially under the influence of a 'potent relaxant of some kind', but this did not stop them from detaining him on suspicion of theft and taking him to King County jail. The gatecrasher apparently helped himself to several slices of pizza and took two balloon animals before he was arrested' - Metro.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters...oh, right, nobody. We're not just about penis stories, you know. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.