Martin Keown solves Chelsea's defensive problems and why Arsenal should fear Napoli tonight...
The Sun conduct an 'experiment' and Adrian Durham knows how to spice up romance...
You're Hurting Us, Daily Mail
Before embarking on a successful television career, Alan Partridge hosted a chat show on BBC radio. On one of these chat shows, he was joined by a model, about whom he made a vaguely derogatory remark. After this remark, Partridge said:
"Please, don't write in saying that's sexist - it's not."
Mediawatch was reminded of that statement when reading Adrian Durham's column on The Daily Mail website this morning. It's quite a feat when Durham argues that Steven Gerrard should have moved to Manchester United and it's the Liverpool fans' fault that he stayed, and that's not the most naked, trolling, attention-seeking bucket of bullsh*t in his column.
It's not even the bit when he champions the idea of playing a round of Premier League games in 'Australia, USA, South Africa, the Far East, Qatar and Russia' in the middle of the season, and that obviously everyone will be cool about this.
No. For Durham makes the following argument:
'My talkSPORT colleague Andy Jacobs read my mind when he suggested on air this week that women's football teams should have male goalkeepers. He was joking, but I am serious.'
But please, don't write in saying that's sexist - it's not. Or so says Adrian, anyway:
'If the women's game is to progress they need men in goal. If you're thinking this is the start of some sort of chauvinistic rant you're wrong, and you obviously didn't read my column last week.'
That's that cleared up, anyway. He continues:
'The following day I watched Robert Green nearly keep a clean sheet in a pre-season friendly and was reminded how men make mistakes with the gloves as well.'
Imagine that! If you put a chap in nets he might nearly keep a clean sheet too! Sold!
We can't really get beyond the blindingly obvious point here, in that if men played women's football, then it wouldn't be women's football. And it's also worth noting that Durham thinks this move will make people take women's football more seriously. But luckily Durham doesn't really leave room for nuance and deep-thinking, as can be seen by the following comment:
'I watch women's football when it's on and the goalkeeping is shocking, I don't even think Germaine Greer would disagree.'
The idea of him typing out 'I don't even think...' then sitting back in his large, masculine leather armchair, swilling a brandy, chewing on a phallic cigar and pondering 'Hmmm, now who's a woman, who says things, who I've heard of...?' is in theory most amusing, we hope you'll agree.
But unfortunately it's not amusing. It's not amusing that a national newspaper, even the repellent sh*trag that is The Daily Mail, feels it must resort to such offensive f*ckc*ntery in order to get a few (or, as is sadly more accurate, quite a lot of) cheap hits. We poke fun at the papers for using slightly misleading headlines to get attention, but they're not the same league as this vicious, misogynistic poison.
Jon Stewart once went on the CNN political discussion show 'Crossfire', a show he'd been critical of in the past, and told the presenters: "It's not that I think you're bad - it's that you're hurting America."
So to The Daily Mail and Adrian Durham we say this: "It's not that we think you're bad - although you very, very obviously are - but you're hurting us."
Once More For The Road
'I genuinely believe Harry will lead QPR to a higher finish than Spurs under AVB' - Adrian Durham, November 23.
Scoopapalooza in The Sun this morning, who bark 'FAB FANCIES UNITED' at us, like that arsehole we all know in the office who loves the sound of his own voice just as much as he lacks anything approaching self-awareness.
Quite the headline. But of course the details in the story, such as they are, don't quite match the initial claim.
The paper reports: 'A Spanish source said: "Cesc would only go if Barcelona agreed to sell him."
Right, so a man would only leave his job if his employers said they didn't want him anymore?
Steve Bruce does things the right way. Not the wrong way. So it wasn't surprising that he said, after being asked about a potential move for Danny Graham:
"There's lots and lots of players and it's always wrong for me to talk about them."
Good stuff Steve. Well done. Good that you don't do your transfer business out in the o...oh, hang on.
"But Graham is someone where there's been a bit of interest.
"He hasn't had the best of times in the north-east but he's a very, very good player. Whether it's possible, who knows? It's something that we're looking at but we haven't done anything just yet."
And On A Similar Theme
In one of those always popular Twitter Q&As, Rio Ferdinand was asked this morning who he thought the best young defensive prospect in the Manchester United squad was.
"I don't like to speak about the youth players individually, but Michael Keane looks a great prospect."
Neatly side-stepped that landmine, Rio.
Well This Is Lovely
A nice story from Arsenal's pre-season tour now. Short version: man runs alongside the Arsenal bus for 5km, they let him on, his day is made.
Over to Wojciech Szczesny.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Jose jest the boss for Eden' - The Daily Mirror on Eden Hazard saying Jose Mourinho done some lolz.
Quote Of The Day
"I came down this morning and had a very thorough medical" - Steve Harper conjures some troubling images about what exactly they do to new signings at Hull.
Horrible Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A Brazilian man has died after a 3000-pound cow crashed through the roof of his house and crushed him, according to local reports. Joao Maria de Souza was sleeping with his wife when the animal plunged through the corrugated asbestos shelter of his home in Caratinga in south-eastern Brazil. The cow is thought to have escaped from a nearby farm, before it clambered onto the home, which backs onto a steep hill.
'It then fell eight-feet onto de Souza's side of the bed, after the roof buckled under its weight, local media reported. His wife was unharmed. He was taken to hospital with a broken leg but the victim's brother, Carlos Correa de Souza, 43, told Brazilian newspaper Hoje Em Dia that he later died from internal bleeding. The Civil Police of Caratinga in Vale do Rio Doce will open investigation into the circumstances of death, the paper added' - NBCNews.com.
Horrible Non-Football Quote Of The Day
"I didn't bring my son up to be killed by a falling cow," his mother Maria de Souza told Brazil's Super Canal TV channel.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Fergal Grogan and Tim Clark. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.