Arsene Wenger is 'NOT UPSET', Roberto Martinez issues a dodgy guarantee and the 'daunting' 0.0868% chance...
Do as Dave says or he'll sack ya, the healing hands of Tony Pulis and more unpleasant images...
As Mediawatch has remarked many times before, the Daily Mirror's Oliver Holt is just not made for Twitter. See the dozens of tweets he sent in response to criticism after his column likened cricket's Stuart Broad's refusal to walk during the Ashes First Test with drugs cheat Lance Armstrong. Cheating's cheating, you see. Holt is not only a man of much Twitter anger but a man of principle.
Or at least he is today.
Here's Holt from back in January when Luis Suarez scored thanks to a handball against Mansfield Town in the FA Cup...
'For quite some time, I believed that a batsman should always walk if he knew he was out. It was the purist in me, I suppose, but the purist has receded recently and the pragmatist has taken over. I tend to agree with former England skipper Michael Atherton about it now.
'When he gloved a catch to the wicketkeeper during his famous duel with Allan Donald at Trent Bridge in 1998, he refused to walk. His rationale was that he abided by the umpire's decision if he was given out when he shouldn't have been. He took the rough with the smooth. And he wasn't out until the umpire gave him out.
'That's why I wasn't even tempted to join in the condemnation of Liverpool's Luis Suarez after his controversial goal against Mansfield Town on Sunday. Sure, he handled the ball. And whether it was hand to ball or ball to hand, the goal should have been disallowed. But it's not up to Suarez to make that call. It's not up to him to beg referee Andre Marriner to rule the goal out.
'Show me any player anywhere who would have done that and I'll show you a liar.'
And Mediawatch will show you a massive hypocrite who adjusts his opinions to suit that day's big story.
By now you will probably have seen the rather funny bank advert featuring Luis Suarez: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeihatAEk0g.
But presumably you haven't seen the risible headline used by the Daily Mail website: 'Suarez whines and dives...but this time only as office joker (and does red tie mean he's staying at Liverpool or signing for Arsenal?)'
Not that Mediawatch is surprised. It was only two weeks ago that David Moyes arrived at Manchester United trying to 'retain a little of his Everton identity' by carrying a blue folder.
Mediawatch has just about resisting punching a hole in Mediawatch's computer.
Not Adding Up
Writes Simon Jones in the Daily Mail, June 19: 'Barca target £30m swoop for Mata with Chelsea star's future in the balance under new boss Mourinho.'
Writes Simon Jones in the Daily Mail, July 17: 'EXCLUSIVE: Chelsea offer £10m plus Mata OR Luiz for wantaway Rooney but Man United reject opening gambit from Mourinho.'
So either '£25m frontman' Wayne Rooney is suddenly valued at £40m or Juan Mata's worth has halved during a month in which he has not played. Hmmmmm. Okay.
Smells Like Team Spirit
Said Jose Mourinho on Tuesday: "When the Juan Matas and the Oscars and David Luizes and these guys who are not here come, they will smell immediately that we are doing something."
Yes, they will smell immediately that their new boss wants to use them as makeweights in a remarkable deal for an overweight English striker.
All Kinds Of Wrong
Daily Mail, May 1: 'Rooney wants to strike a new deal at United but will first hold talks with Ferguson (who likes the look of Lewandowski and Falcao).'
Daily Mail, May 24: 'EXCLUSIVE: Arsenal ready to break the bank and lure wantaway Rooney to Emirates.'
Daily Mail, June 22: 'Ancelotti targets £30m Rooney to lead Real revolution after agreeing deal to leave PSG.'
Daily Mail, July 8: 'Barca want Rooney in swap deal that could see United net Thiago AND Villa.'
Coming Up Short
The Sun newspaper, July 17: 'CHELSEA will have to cough up £80million to grab Wayne Rooney from Manchester United.'
The Sun website, later July 17: 'MANCHESTER UNITED have rejected a bid from Chelsea for Wayne Rooney and told them not to come back. The Blues slapped in an offer of £10million plus either Juan Mata or David Luiz for the England striker but it was shown short shrift by the Premier League champions.'
Chelsea obviously don't read The Sun. That's not even close to £10m, silly.
Exclusive Of The Day
Every single newspaper led with Wayne Rooney's desire to leave Manchester United and Chelsea's interest on Wednesday morning. So congratulations to the Daily Star for the bare-faced cheek of claiming their 'Chelsea are ready to make a move for Wayne Rooney' story as an 'exclusive'. Bravo boys, bravo.
Understatement Of The Day
Steve Bruce on Danny Graham: "Danny hasn't had the best of times in the North-East."
Danny scored zero goals in 11 Premier League games for Sunderland.
Pundit Of The Year
Michael Owen has been on TalkSport talking about the new BT deal to show live Premier League games. Apparently it's going to be "fantastic, great, exciting and great".
Presumably he's now kicking himself for forgetting the word 'nice'.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'END of the ROOD' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'An Israeli man has been bitten on the penis by a snake while sitting on the toilet. The unwelcome bathroom addition was lurking in the bowl and caused the unfortunate gent to experience a "burning sensation". He was rushed to hospital in Haifa but the bite was found to be not venomous though according to the hospital "there will undoubtedly be bite marks on the area in question".' - Huffington Post.
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