England fans targeted for muggings and rapes, United go from credit to crisis in seven days and the curse that's not a curse...
Arsene Wenger is 'NOT UPSET', Roberto Martinez issues a dodgy guarantee and the 'daunting' 0.0868% chance...
Told You So. Ish.
Mediawatch woke up early on Thursday morning wondering how the Daily Mail would react after Wednesday's exclusive claim that Chelsea had offered £10m plus Juan Mata or David Luiz for Wayne Rooney was categorically denied just a few hours later. Don't judge us. We live alone.
Would they stick by their story? Would they pretend it never happened?
The answer, of course, lies somewhere in the middle: 'Less than 24 hours after sources close to Rooney revealed the 'angry and confused' striker was ready to submit a written transfer request because manager David Moyes had suggested the 27-year-old would not be his first-choice forward, Chelsea put in an official offer of around £22million.
'It was rejected by United but Chelsea will now return with an improved bid of £25m - plus £3m in add-ons - and may even go as high as £30m to get their man. The opening offer was revealed by MailOnline and, while Chelsea denied it was a cash-plus-player deal with the makeweights being Juan Mata or David Luiz, they did confirm a bid had been lodged.'
So they're quite seriously claiming credit for being the very first to get about 10% of a story right. You can't see us but we're slow handclapping.
The Times They Are A-Changing
James Ducker of The Times has taken a slightly different tack: Pretend you never said them things.
His tweet from Wednesday - 'mufc flatly rejected offer for rooney from cfc last night of £10m plus mata OR luiz.Full story on times website' - has oddly disappeared from his timeline, and he writes in Thursday's newspaper: 'Chelsea are furious that Juan Mata and David Luiz were dragged into the discussion after reports that the club offered United one of them as part of a cash-plus-player deal.'
Whose reports, James? History will record that they only appeared on MailOnline.
Mediawatch rather enjoyed Oliver Holt's response to our highlighting of his flip-floppery between thinking that cricketers not walking/footballers handballing was cheating (for 'quite some time' pre-January), to not cheating (January) to cheating (July) again.
He tweeted on Wednesday: 'No problem at all with the Suarez article retweets, by the way. Fair enough. Sometimes, something happens to make you change you mind.'
How magnaminous. But he seems to have missed out the key word 'again'.
Coming To Cinemas Near You
Martin Lipton in the Daily Mirror:
'War. All-out, brutal, and far from civil war.
No middle ground.
No room for compromise.
Aggressive claim and angrier counter-claim.'
Or alternatively, one football club would like to buy a footballer from another football club but they're not too keen.
Brutal? Not one penis is likely to be severed.
The High Horse Of Integrity
Sorry, we were going to leave it there but Lipton's cinematic hyperbole gives us no option but to treat you to more snippets. Read and repeat the words 'it's only football' after every sentence.
* 'What on earth will happen at Old Trafford when they come face to face, in David Moyes' first home game as United manager, on August 26?
And how can Rooney possibly play in that game, for EITHER side?'
* 'Chelsea were first stunned, then shocked, and finally incandescent...'
A drive-by shooting, Chelsea pointing the finger in brutally direct fashion, demonstrating their sheer disbelief at what was felt to be the most clumsy of tactical responses to a developing situation.'
* 'Enter Mourinho.'
* 'But calmly, deliberately, with a steady hand and steadier voice, he clambered upon the high horse of integrity.'
* 'Chelsea will not back down.
United, you feel, cannot afford to.
This is just the beginning.'
If that's just the beginning, Mediawatch really does not want to witness the climax.
Money For Old Rope
Congratulations to Chelsea fan Rob Beasley of The Sun, who somehow ekes out 29 paragraphs on what Chelsea's line-up could be next season if they sign Wayne Rooney.
Sample quote: 'Mourinho would pick a back four with the focus on defence. Tough, rugged, competitive and uncompromising. Ashley Cole and John Terry for sure. Gary Cahill and Branislav Ivanovic fit the bill too.'
Yes Rob, they're all defenders.
Which Website Constantly Asks Questions On Twitter In A Desperate Attempt To Lure You In?
* Which PSV midfielder has completed a big-money move to Roma?
* Which midfield creator is set to stay in Spain with Barcelona this summer according to Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger?
* Which star striker is "astonished" at being forced to stay at his Bundesliga club this summer?
The answers are Kevin Strootman, Cesc Fabregas and Robert Lewandowski. There's really no need to click.
Tottenham goalkeeper Hugo Lloris has heralded the arrival of Paulinho, saying: "It's a big thing for us to have a Brazil international in the team."
Quote Of The Day
"I'd love to go to the World Cup" - Stewart Downing. Wouldn't we all, Stewart? At least you get the summer off...we have to work.
Headline Of The Day
'Whole Nou Ball Game' - The Sun on Man City trying to play like Barcelona.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Suarsenal' - The Sun. Words fail.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Lebanese citizen Rabih A., 39, who hails from the Akkar town of Hrar, was found wounded at the square of the Aley town of Baisour with his penis cut off, state-run National News Agency reported. Lebanese Red Cross medics rushed the man to the West Shahhar Hospital with life-threatening injuries, NNA said. The agency said the incident happened after Rabih eloped with a woman identified as Rudeina M., who hails from the town of Baisour. "When the relatives of the girl learned of the issue, they investigated the circumstances and found out that Rabih and Rudeina were at a chalet in Tabarja, so they went there and brought them to Baisour, where they severed the man's penis and left him at the town's square," NNA said. Meanwhile, security sources told LBCI television that Rabih arrived at hospital suffering from "extreme fatigue after he was severely beaten". The man arrived at hospital "without his penis, which was chopped off, while his testicles were smashed," the sources added' - naharnet.com.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Rami Maalouf. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.