England fans targeted for muggings and rapes, United go from credit to crisis in seven days and the curse that's not a curse...
Arsene Wenger is 'NOT UPSET', Roberto Martinez issues a dodgy guarantee and the 'daunting' 0.0868% chance...
Mediawatch has to confess that it's a tad disappointed that Norwich's Wes Hoolahan is not sticking out his tongue. Staying in the lines is dead hard.
A Very Remarkable Coup
Everybody loves a conspiracy theory. But do you know who really, really loves a conspiracy theory? Matt Barlow of the Daily Mail, that's who.
'MOURINHO PLOT' screams his back-page headline.
'He wants fixture switch to rattle United' shouts the sub-headline.
Wow. Bloody hell. Let's read on.
'JOSE MOURINHO is plotting a fixture coup in a bid to turn up the pressure on David Moyes and give Chelsea a head start over Manchester United in the Premier League.'
So, we've upgraded from a 'plot' to a 'coup'. Tell us more, Matt.
'Mourinho's team must move their home game against Aston Villa because it coincides with their UEFA Super Cup date against Bayern Munich in Prague on August 30.
'Chelsea would like to bring it forward to August 21, with Mourinho aware that home wins against Hull and Villa would means his team will then travel to Manchester United with a chance to open a six-point lead over the champions with the season little more than a week old.'
This is described as 'psychological mischief' by a clearly quite giddy Barlow (so giddy, in fact, that he fails to notice that Chelsea could actually have a chance to open a nine-point lead if Man United lose to Swansea).
Or alternatively, because of international fixture dates, Champions League and League Cup commitments, Chelsea have chosen August 21 because they do not have a single other midweek free in 2013.
PLOT! COUP! MISCHIEF!
We Told You First. Ish.
It shouldn't be but Mediawatch is truly astonished that the Daily Mail are still claiming that Chelsea's initial offer for Wayne Rooney was 'revealed exclusively by Sportsmail Online', despite last Wednesday's claim that Chelsea offered £10m and Juan Mata/David Luiz being vehemently denied within hours.
David Moyes' Nonsense
Mediawatch has has an awful lot of fun laughing at the third-person manager-speak of Brendan Rodgers over the past 12 months so it's only fair that we point and guffaw at new Manchester United boss David Moyes for this gem:
"I needed it to be the David Moyes era now and I had to take David Moyes' era and David Moyes' time so that meant me taking some of my own people."
That could only be improved by the words 'David Moyes' people'. We like their early 80s stuff.
Manchester United fans are getting antsy about a lack of new signings. But don't they know that they have a new manager?
"I can understand that feeling," said Moyes. "But there have been quite a few changes. Other managers have changed clubs too and everybody thought this might be the summer when transfers are done later."
Which is presumably why Manchester City and their new manager have struggled to spend over £80m on four internationals.
There is little that irritates Mediawatch more than the Daily Star's insistence on shortening names to two, three or four letters (except when referring to Manuel Pellegrini as simply 'Man'. We loved that) to fit into headlines.
In Tuesday's newspaper alone, we have Roo, Ron, Sal, Lu, Bren, Chad, Gas and Siq.
Thankfully we only need four letters to describe this kind of shit.
Micah Richards wants to play regular football again. He remembers 2011-12 when he played regular football and City won the title.
Here's Micah Richards doing exactly that: "The 2011-12 season when we won the title, me and Pablo Zabaleta rotated well, so if we can do that again I'll be happy."
Hmmmmm. One man's 'rotated well' is another man's 'dropped for six of the last seven vital games of the season after having a pretty rotten 45 minutes against Sunderland'.
No Soft Touch
Brendan Rodgers is a tough man, a hard man. He will not crumble under pressure when it comes to Luis Suarez.
Just read this in the Daily Mirror: 'Rodgers has been determined not to bow to player power and insisted Suarez should join up with the squad in Australia once he had finished his summer break that was delayed by the Confederations Cup.'
Yes, that's right. He was so 'determined' that he 'insisted' Suarez turned up for work after his summer holiday. Just call him Brendan 'Iron Fist' Rodgers.
'ROO'S SECRET GOLF DATE' is the 'exclusive' headline on the back page (yes, the back page) of the Daily Star, accompanied by a picture of said footballer playing golf and looking about 18.
So what's so secret about this 'golf date' and why does Rooney look like he has found the secret of eternal youth?
Well, the 'golf date' (it turns out that's just a slightly more intriguing way of saying he played golf) was at 'an exclusive course just 10 miles from Chelsea's training ground', which is apparently the only indication that Rooney's round of golf might have been remotely 'secret'.
And the youthful picture used to illustrate this back-page story? Erm, actually not taken on this 'secret golf date' at all.
'To make clear, the rooney golf pic is not claiming to be him on Sunday. It is a stock of him playing golf!' tweeted Daily Star scribbler Duncan Wright on Monday night.
So let's get this clear - the Daily Star's exclusive back-page story is that renowned golf fan Wayne Rooney played golf. F***ing brilliant.
Non-Sequitur Of The Day
A tweet from Neil Lennon: 'Thunder in Glasgow..who would've thought?...and my admiration for Andrea Pirlo grows daily.'
Worst Headlines Of The Day
'Chew are back in team, Bren tells lippy Luis' - Daily Star.
'AVB's CHAD TIDINGS' - Daily Star.
'Roberto to feel a bit Siq!' - Daily Star.
'Gas Inter-ested in move' - Daily Star.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A mother who was fined after taking her daughter's pony into McDonald's, where it defecated on the floor, has defended her actions, claiming: "'I've taken her for a McFlurry loads of times". Christine McGrail and her daughter Olivia were told to tie up their horses after trying to use the drive-through service at the fast-food restaurant in Whitefield. Managers at the franchise told Ms McGrail, 33, who was riding stallion Dancer, and her nine-year-old girl, on pony Minnie, they weren't allowed to queue with waiting cars. The mother said she took managers "literally" when they suggested the pair dismount and enter the store - letting Olivia lead her six-year-old pony into the restaurant to the amazement of customers. Ms McGrail - who remained outside with Dancer, 24 - admits she acted "rashly" after the pony opened its bowels in front of stunned diners but claimed the treatment of horse riders was inconsistent' - Daily Telegraph.
Thanks to our very own Daniel Storey. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' on the subject page.