Roy Hodgson is asked the perfect question, Mr Grumpypants is back, Jamie Redknapp hates making comparisons. Plus Ace-watch, you lucky things...
England fans targeted for muggings and rapes, United go from credit to crisis in seven days and the curse that's not a curse...
I Blue Myself
You may have seen it elsewhere, but before reading the rest of Mediawatch today, we urge you to check out Alvaro 'Tobias Funke' Negredo's new short shorts/denim hotpants.
We wonder if he's a never nude too...?
Just Say No
When John W. Henry tweeted this morning "What do you think they're smoking over there at Emirates?" we all had a little chuckle. From a club owner, that's good stuff. Even Arsenal fans seemed to think it was pretty funny.
Well, apart from one Gooner - The Daily Mirror's Arsenal correspondent John Cross, who frowned:
'Not massively in favour of suggesting a fellow football club must all be on drugs.'
Which he followed up with: 'Shouldn't joke about drugs on social media. Too many lives wrecked.'
Just say no! Why do you think they call it dope? Don't huff, Don't puff. Keep away from that stuff! Hugs not drugs! Crack is whack! Get Tipper Gore on the phone, she's got a new campaigner to carry the righteous flame and protect our children! Nancy Reagan, rest easy, there's someone else to fight the good fight.
Jesus, John - lighten up a little. Chillax, man. Kick back and chill out, dude. It was a joke. Why so uptight?
Mediawatch suspects he needs to relax a little. Anyone know a good way of doing that...?
Couple of quick ones to bring you from the EXCLUSIVE! files.
Both The Daily Mirror and The Daily Express claim the Luis Suarez/Arsenal £40,000,001 bid story as theirs and theirs only.
Also, The Sun slap a big SUNSPORT EXCLUSIVE! banner on our old friend the self-appointed European football correspondent Antony Kastrinakis passing on Tuesday's story from the ever-reliable Marca about Gareth Bale.
'Reports in Spain suggest Madrid have a six-year £51m WAGE deal agreed in principle with Tottenham's Bale,' types stenographer Antony.
Of course, the Marca story wasn't as clear-cut as that, simply claiming that Real had met with Bale's agent a month ago and said that if he was to sign a deal, it would probably be for six years. And that of course works on the principle that you can trust Marca as a reliable source of news from Real which - and we cannot stress this enough - you absolutely can't.
Strong work from Charles Perrin of The Daily Express, who arranges to meet us in an underground car park after we put the correct plant on our balcony, lifts the collar of his rain coat, looks around shiftily, taps his nose and solemnly informs us:
'Liverpool are considering tabling a £10m bid for Palermo midfielder Josip Ilicic.'
However, they might be slightly baffled when they show up at Palermo with a big sack o' cash, only to discover the following statement Fiorentina's website:
'Fiorentina and Palermo announce they have reached an agreement for the permanent transfer of Josip Ilicic. The agreement is subject to the player signing his contract.'
Stop It, Yeah?
As you'll know, any Liverpool player who values his testes tends not to speak to The Sun, for fairly obvious reasons. It's therefore pretty embarrassing that they desperately try to tie anything their players say to the paper. Observe:
'Brad Jones has revealed how an advert featured by The Sun's website broke the ice on Luis Suarez's Liverpool return...
"Most of the boys were joking with him about his Uruguayan advert which we saw on the internet."
There are very good reasons why The Sun is paper non grata on Merseyside. You know exactly why chaps, so stop this sort of sh*t. Yeah?
You'll be aware of the concept of a humblebrag - when a person says something ostensibly self-deprecating, but that is actually designed to toot one's own horn. I.e., 'Oh, they spelled my name wrong on this Oscar statue - guess I'm not so famous' etc and so on.
However, new Leeds head honcho David Haigh may have invented the concept of a humble brag - i.e. something that sounds like a brag, but is actually not particularly impressive or brag-worthy.
Haigh told The Sun: "We beat Blackburn to the signing of Luke Murphy. That's a coup for us to beat former Premier League champions to a player."
Technically accurate - Blackburn are former Premier League champions. 18 years ago. Presumably they'd also get giddy if they beat former Football League champions Preston to a signing. We guess PSG would be cock-a-hoop if they edged out Stade Reims in the transfer market.
Or, if you prefer, Leeds beat the team who finished 17th in the Championship last season to a player. That's four places and three points below Leeds.
Bully for you, David.
'Paragraph You Never Thought You'd Read' Of The Day
Reports Charles Sale in The Daily Mail:
'Liverpool's controversial former communications director Jen Chang has made a success of his new media role at New York Cosmos, with the management there praising him for his social media expertise.'
Worst Headlines Of The Day
'I'll make you all Navas wrecks' - The Daily Star.
'Roo'd love working with Jose' - The Sun.
Non-Football Headline Of The Day
'Woman gets bottom stuck in wall after night out' - The Metro.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A South Australian man is facing charges after he was allegedly caught using vice grips instead of a steering wheel to drive a car. Police said they saw a white Holden sedan being driven dangerously with two blown tyres on Sudholz Road in the Adelaide suburb of Gilles Plains. When the car was pulled over, police said there was no steering wheel and the driver was allegedly using a pair of vice grips to steer.
'The car was found to be unregistered and uninsured and already subject to a defect notice. Police also allege the vehicle was involved in a hit-run crash in Folland Avenue at Northfield just minutes before it was pulled over. A 38-year-old Northfield man is facing charges including driving while disqualified and returning a positive drug test' - ABC.net.au. You really need to see a picture of this - it's f*cking sensational.
Thanks to our very own Graham Lashwood and Scott Norford. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' on the subject page.