The Sun conduct an 'experiment' and Adrian Durham knows how to spice up romance...
Steven Howard manages to be miserable at the Emirates, Jose Mourinho spouts some nonsense and Robbie Savage tries to help David Moyes...
A League Of His Own
Said Brendan Rodgers: "I told the club in the summer that our biggest signing could be Steven Gerrard because of the influence he has on everyone.
"I just see the quality in his game. He is still, for me, the best passer of a ball in the Premier League. No-one can do it like him."
A quick look at WhoScored.com informs Mediawatch that Gerrard was in fact the 55th best passer in the Premier League last season when considering all players who made a minimum of 20 appearances.
No-one can do it like him. Except, erm, Giorgos Karagounis and James Perch.
Once A Blue, Always A...
After Roberto Martinez presumably failed to return Willie McKay's calls, Joey Barton took to Twitter on Thursday morning for a spot of damage limitation.
'Its (sic) funny how people take a throw away comment to a hypothetical question and before you know it, its national news,' tweeted Barton.
'Its well known who I support. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work that out. Good football agents will always be looking to move players, thats how they make money.'
Yes, a 'throw away comment to a hypothetical question'. That's exactly how Willie McKay's interview with TalkSPORT on Wednesday should be interepreted. An interview in which he confirmed Barton's eagerness to join Everton and that this desire has been expressed to Roberto Martinez.
'Recent rumours are slightly wide of the mark, everyone knows where I would like to end up, in France. Playing in the Champions League for Olympique Marseille, nothing has changed my end," continued Barton.
'Hope that clears my situation up for everyone. Stop listening to all the tittle-tattle. Most self-coined 'experts' know f**k all.'
It's not unusual for a player to shrug off the actions of their agent, especially when those actions make them appear so incredibly desperate.
However, it's quite clear that McKay wasn't acting entirely of his own accord on TalkSPORT, especially after Barton then encouraged speculation by tweeting 'Once a Blue...' in that vague way a confused teenager updates their Facebook status to 'This is the worst day EVER!' before sitting back and lapping up the attention.
It makes Barton's 'self-coined 'experts'' rant seem rather hollow, but it's not at all like him to lack substance.
Quality Of Competition
One name Mediawatch didn't expect to see involved in the speculation surrounding Real Madrid's interest in Gareth Bale is La Liga president Javier Thebes, who is understandably rather keen to convince the world that Spain's Primera Division is still the force it once was.
"The Spanish League continues to attract the biggest stars in world football," Thebes is quoted as saying in The Sun.
"And by signing players such as Bale we can maintain the quality of competition."
Ah, yes. Bale moving to Spain will maintain that quality of competition that has seen Real Madrid and Barcelona finish in the top two in eight of the last nine seasons.
And as for attracting the biggest stars in world football, Mediawatch wonders what Thebes thinks of La Liga losing the third, fourth, fifth and eighth top scorers last season to other leagues this summer. Quality indeed.
Andre Villas-Boas, speaking in April: "The club has great expectations towards Steven's future. I think for a first season back in Tottenham the amount of games he has played shows the quality that he has."
Presumably those 'great expectations' were that Caulker could bring in £8million in the summer.
Said Robert Lewandowski on Tuesday: "I will give everything I've got for Dortmund. It does not matter what happened. I am not interested about that on the pitch. When I am out on the pitch, then Dortmund is all I think about. I want to give it all I've got and be successful."
Robert Lewandowski, speaking on Wednesday: "It turns out that words spoken straight into my eyes were untrue. No matter how hard I will train and what I will do, the feeling that I've been cheated will still be there. Maybe that word is too much, so for now I will say I'm disappointed."
What happened on Tuesday night?
Additional Detail Of The Day
Said Frank Lampard, speaking about Jose Mourinho's influence on him during the manager's first spell ar Chelsea: "He told me 'You are the best player in the world, but if you want to be recognised as the best player in the world you need to win titles and medals'.
"Now, whether Jose thought I was the best player in the world or it was a mind game, I don't know. But he certainly knew how to get the best out of me because I walked out of the shower thinking I needed to prove this bloke right."
Enticement Of The Day
As part of The Sun's new online subscription package you can watch video content of Ian Wright explaining why Arsenal must sign Luis Suarez this summer. Mediawatch isn't so desperate to become the non-football story of the day that it feels the need to sign up.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Caul Customer Costs City £9m' - The Daily Mirror.
Football Story Of The Day
'Atalanta midfielder Giulio Migliaccio is under investigation from the Italian Football Federation (FIGC) after allegedly helping supporters to crush two cars with a tank.
'Last month, just three days after joining Atalanta, Migliaccio was caught on film riding on a tank that was being driven by the club's fans at a festival in Bergamo.
'The tank crushed two cars which were covered in the colours of rival clubs Roma and Brescia, with the FIGC eager to ensure Migliaccio takes responsibility for his actions.
'"The federal prosecutor has deferred Atalanta player Giulio Migliaccio to the national disciplinary commission for climbing on to a tank during the 'Festival of the Goddess' organised by the Bergamasch fanbase on July 14," a statement on figc.com read.
'"(The tank) then ran over two cars, one decorated in the colours of Roma and one with the colours of Brescia, clubs who are traditionally rivals of Atalanta."' - ESPN.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man attempted to sneak his pet turtle past airport security by disguising the animal as a hamburger. The smuggler, named only as Mr Li, was stopped at China's Guangzhou's international airport.
'An X-ray machine detected unusual "protrusions" poking out from a burger bun inside his luggage bag and inspectors asked to take a closer look. Airport staff determined that the protrusions looked like turtle limbs.
'He denied repeated requests to allow them open his luggage by shouting: "There's no turtle in there, just a hamburger. There's nothing special to see inside."
'"Sir, are you sure there are no turtles in your bag?" one agent inquired, according to a report in the Guangzhou Daily.
'Finally he allowed them unzip his bag and security retrieved the turtle which was hidden inside a burger bun smeared with mayonnaise.' - The Irish Examiner.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters John Briggs, Zubair Timol and Cian O'Loughlin. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.