England fans targeted for muggings and rapes, United go from credit to crisis in seven days and the curse that's not a curse...
Arsene Wenger is 'NOT UPSET', Roberto Martinez issues a dodgy guarantee and the 'daunting' 0.0868% chance...
Do As We Say, Not As We Do
Brendan Rodgers is certainly a little misguided in his suggestion that Arsenal have lacked 'class' in their pursuit of Luis Suarez (what did Swansea think of Liverpool's bid for Joe Allen? yadda yadda yadda) but Mediawatch does wonder if the Gunners are practising what they preach.
After grumbling at other clubs' moves for their own players - and especially Barcelona's underhand tactics to target Cesc Fabregas - Mediawatch notes that Arsenal's players have been a little loose-lipped themselves following reports of the club's interest in Suarez.
"Luis is someone with whom I could form a good understanding on the pitch," said Olivier Giroud in July. "So I am in favour of him coming to Arsenal and I am not afraid of the competition for places his arrival would bring about."
And after being asked about Suarez at the Emirates Cup, Jack Wilshere responded: "Any player would love to (play with him). He's a top player and he showed that last season. He brings something different to the team and scores goals.
"He's a great player, I'd love to see him here. But you never know."
It's not exactly the cordial behaviour Arsenal have demanded from their rivals but, hey, at least Wilshere knows he was in the wrong as he went on to say:
"I can't talk about other players. He's still playing for another team so it's disrespectful."
That makes it all okay, then.
Mediawatch agrees with the general gist of Martin Samuel's column in the Daily Mail that suggests 'Bale windfall is no guarantee of place at top table for Spurs' - heck, we even wrote the same argument ourselves - but it can't help but think that some of his reasoning is a tad flimsy.
'If they sell Bale, but use the money to improve the general strength of the squad, runs the logic, Champions League football is guaranteed,' writes Samuel.
'Liverpool no doubt thought the same when selling Fernando Torres.'
Come now, Martin. Are you really suggesting that Spurs will attempt to emulate the worst transfer in history with the fee they receive for Bale?
Of course, having money is one thing, spending it on the right quality is another, but blowing £35million on a striker with only five months experience in the Premier League is another thing entirely. Liverpool didn't 'think the same' when selling Torres because they didn't think at all.
As well as suggesting Spurs won't be able to spend big on a replacement because they'll only be drip-fed the Bale fee by Real - who, of course, are the only team in world football allowed to pay by instalments - Samuel also warns of the threat of a 'break-out club', such as Swansea, stealing Spurs' place outside the top four.
'There is a lot of creative accounting at Tottenham right now; a lot of whistling to keep the spirits up,' he writes.
'Takes last season's points total. The best ever, wasn't it? An obvious sign of improvement. Yet surely a points total is relative to the strength of the competition?
'If this was a poor edition of the Premier League - as was suggested by many observers - then Tottenham's points total might have been higher due to the weakness of the opposition, rather than any improvement of their own.'
It seems Spurs just can't win. Of course, if this argument stands then it also means that Swansea are not as strong as some would claim, even though they did thrash Malmo 4-0 last week, as Samuel reminds us.
It isn't hugely insightful to simply say that Spurs will be a damn sight stronger if they can hold on to Bale this summer, but it sure is easy to overstate the perils of his protracted departure.
Writes Neil Ashton in the Daily Mail: '(Alvaro Morata) has been compared to former Real great Fernando Morientes and it will be a huge blow to Carlo Ancelotti's long-term plans if he is included in the package (for Bale).'
Considering Ancelotti is Real Madrid's 11th manager in the last ten years, Mediawatch would advise him not to make too many long-term plans.
'Is he worth £80-90m or more?' ponders Alan Shearer in his column for The Sun as he discusses Gareth Bale's proposed move to Real Madrid.
'If someone is willing to pay that much then yes, he is. People don't pay over the odds regardless of how much money there is in the game.'
Yes, Alan, no club has ever paid more than the appropriate value for a player before.
Porque Te Vas
The Sun's world football correspondent Antony Kastrinakis (congrats on the promotion by the way, Antony - no word on whether this one was self-awarded or not) speaks plenty of sense in his column on Spanish clubs losing their best talent this summer and struggling to keep up with their Premier League rivals.
However, Mediawatch couldn't help but notice that he adopts a certain tone when referring to La Liga president Javier Tebas, as these choice excerpts show:
'Tebas waffled on...'
'What the "enlightened" Tebas ignores..."
'Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore seems angelic compared to Tebas.'
Did he p*ss in your milkshake, Antony?
Surprising Revelation Of The Weekend
"I'm not AVB's biggest fan" - Adrian Durham on TalkSPORT.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Heat Turns Up On Gas' - The Daily Mirror. Who calls him 'Gas'?
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A bird poo facial is available in a luxury spa in New York.
'Shizuka New York skincare salon offers a traditional Japanese treatment which uses imported Asian nightingale excrement mixed with rice bran. It costs $180 (£120) for each treatment.
'Over 100 men and women visit the spa each month for the facial, which claims to keep the face smooth due to an enzyme in the poo which gently exfoliates the skin.
'Spa owner Shizuka Bernstein refers to the treatment as a Geisha Facial and has been offering it for around five years.' - digitalspy.co.uk
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