Martin Keown solves Chelsea's defensive problems and why Arsenal should fear Napoli tonight...
The Sun conduct an 'experiment' and Adrian Durham knows how to spice up romance...
Remember when people wrote stories based on relevant information?
That all seems like a pretty distant memory when one considers some of the guff reported on a couple of papers' websites this morning.
Spurs have removed Gareth Bale and Clint Dempsey's pictures from their official Twitter page. This is news, it seems.
Marca have the 'story', of course, but this is absolutely rock-solid evidence in comparison to some of their yarns, but wait - it has progressed beyond the Spanish gobsh*te press.
'Real Madrid target Gareth Bale has been removed from Tottenham's official Twitter page, suggesting that the Welsh forward is inching closer to a move to the Bernabeu,' we are informed by The Daily Mirror.
'Tottenham have taken Gareth Bale off the home page of the club's official Twitter account, a further indication that the striker could be on his way to Real Madrid,' claims The Guardian.
Guardian, Mirror - you're no better than Marca now. That should sting.
Adrian Durham's column for The Daily Mail website, as you may know, is split into bite-size chunks, potentially for the hard-of-attention span.
In the first of these chunks, Durham says that the summer transfer business of some clubs, including Spurs, has left them lagging and unprepared for the season ahead (although he admits that it's Gareth Bale's fault, rather than the club's).
In the next chunk, Durham says that Spurs have made the signing of the summer in Roberto Soldado.
Anderson has been talking. And saying positive things. Sort of.
He said: "Training is hard under David Moyes but that's good for me. I need to train hard. I need to run and I'm feeling good, with power in my legs. I need to get fit and lose weight. I need to lose two more kilos to be at my best weight."
At first glance, this might sound encouraging. It's good that the old boy is knuckling down.
But then, after three seconds thought, one realises what Anderson is actually saying:
"I need to get fit and lose some weight."
You'll recall that this is a professional athlete talking, some two weeks before the start of the season. Or one week if you count the Community Shield as a proper game. Which you shouldn't.
"I need to lose two more kilos to be at my best weight."
Hang on - Manchester United returned to pre-season on July 9. That was four weeks ago. United have played five pre-season friendlies in that time, all of which Anderson has taken part in, two of which he played the full 90 minutes.
And he's still two kilos overweight?
April 9: Joey Barton tweets: 'Some strange people think that I'll be playing in the Championship next season. Good one! QPR might, I won't! #fact'
May 14: Joey Barton tweets 'I'll just re-iterate for a lot of the buffoons tweeting me. I WILL NO BE PLAYING IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP NEXT SEASON. Hope that clears that up!'
August 3: Barton plays for QPR in the Championship. 'Really enjoyed the game this afternoon. The team is together. Stadium was full and in good voice. Life is good today.'
January 2013: Loic Remy turns down Newcastle to join bottom-placed QPR, but rejects suggestions his decision had anything to with Rangers' offering to double Newcastle's salary offer: "I made my decision based on two factors. I already know the coach here and I'm really excited by the project that QPR have here over the future."
August 2013: Seven months into said project, and with the same coaches still in charge of both clubs, Remy leaves QPR for Newcastle, revealing that it's a "huge honour to play for such a big club".
Intro from The Daily Mirror: 'Loic Remy finally joined Newcastle last night - with a plea for forgiveness after snubbing them in January.'
Actual 'plea for forgiveness' from Remy: "I was very flattered by Newcastle's interest in me back in January and also happy they showed interest in me again this summer."
It's Nice To Be Nice
Cristiano Ronaldo is, for fairly obvious reasons, a tricky man to warm to.
However, we thought his response to a fairly cheap dig by Jose Mourinho was pretty mature and, dare we say it, classy.
He said, in response to Mourinho referring to him as not the 'real' Ronaldo: "There are some things in life that don't deserve any mention. This is one of those things and I won't comment on it for obvious reasons. I always respect my coaches and try to learn from them.
"As we say in Portugal: 'I don't spit on the plate I eat on.' That's how I feel. I prefer to try and remember the positive side [to Mourinho]."
And then he said some nice things about his new boss, as any sensible employee would: "The truth is we are very happy with the new manager. The training sessions are good. Carlo is a very endearing person and it gives us all joy to have him."
Still, that hasn't stopped the papers having their fun. 'Cristiano Ronaldo has stoked up a war of words with Jose Mourinho by declaring: We love our new boss' stirs self-appointed European football correspondent/possibly self-appointed world football correspondent Antony Kastrinakis in The Sun.
Look, can't someone just be nice about someone else without it being turned into a BLAST or a WAR OF WORDS or whatever else? Please? Let's just be nice to each other. It's nice to be nice, isn't it?
The Sun reports: 'Dedryck Boyata will stay at Manchester City after being won over by Manuel Pellegrini.'
Aye, we imagine that as Pellegrini was considering taking over at City many questions were running through his mind - 'How do I take advantage of the flux at United and Chelsea? Should I sell Carlos Tevez? Who should I replace him with if he does go? Do I need to reinforce the midfield? But most importantly, will I be able to get the bloke who played eight times on loan for FC Twente last season and hasn't played a minute for City since May 2011 on side?'
Fratelli d'Italia, l'Italia s'è desta
Here's Mario Balotelli playing the Italian national anthem to Andrea Pirlo on the piano.
Come on Andrea - bit more enthusiasm please.
Rapper Of The Day
Want to see John Barnes returning to the rap game, delivering his own version of The Sugarhill Gang's 'Rapper's Delight?'
Obviously, you do.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Loic joins the Toon this Tyne' - The Daily Mirror.
Non-Football Penis Severance Story Of The Day
'A man in the Dominican Republic had one epic night's drinking after which he woke up without his most valuable possession. We've all had those nights where things get a little out of hand and we realise we've had a few too many glasses of rock shandy, but one man from Santiago in the Dominican Republic has taken things to a whole new level when he woke up without his penis after a heavy night on the sauce.
'Geraldo Ramos, who's 64 years young, managed to somehow completely lose the run of himself and black out on the way home. According to MinutoUno.com the man isn't too sure exactly what happened, but his neighbours claim that he stripped down completely naked, and ran through the streets, where a dog attacked him and bit off a his, ahem, member. Talk about being sick as a dog the next day' - Joe.ie.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Daniel Tilles and the dozens of you that sent in the penis story. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' on the subject page.