Martin Keown solves Chelsea's defensive problems and why Arsenal should fear Napoli tonight...
The Sun conduct an 'experiment' and Adrian Durham knows how to spice up romance...
That Damned English Press
Luis Suarez on Uruguayan radio station Sport 890, May 31: "I'm not prepared to continue to put up with the English press. I love Liverpool, but if there is a chance of playing somewhere else...I suffered too much as a kid to get where I am to be attacked unfairly by the English press. They haven't appreciated me as a player, they've just judged my attitude."
Luis Suarez in The Guardian/Daily Telegraph, August 7: "Right now the Premier League is the biggest and most important league. My record shows that I'm not the kind of player who wants to change clubs every season and I would have no problem playing in England for many more years."
So to recap: Man says he needs to leave England because of evil English press; man then tells evil English press he wants to stay in England.
Here's Brendan Rodgers on July 31: "Luis is happy. He totally understands the club's point of view. He's in a difficult position in terms of not being able to play because of his suspension - he will sit out the first six games and he will miss playing football. But he's working hard and remains part of the group. He hasn't been moping about. It's obviously difficult when you come back after a break but he has settled in and has been working well."
Mediawatch is notoriously low on what women increasingly call emotional intelligence, but we don't think he seems happy at all.
Moyes, Moyes, Moyes
From one deluded manager to another, Mediawatch enjoyed this from David Moyes on Tuesday night: "You don't need to convince anyone to play for Manchester United."
Well, anyone except Cesc Fabregas, Thiago Alcantara and, well, Wayne Rooney.
Drink, Drink, Drink
There's at least one other man who believes Moyes and that man is Ray Wilkins. He said on Tuesday: "Once you leave Manchester United there's only one way you're going. If you want to win things then there's no better club to be at. They are in the top three biggest clubs on the planet, so will always buy, buy and buy because they always want to be successful."
Three things, Ray.
1) We direct you towards Juan Veron, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Gerard Pique, Cristiano Ronaldo and Carlos Tevez, who all did rather well after leaving United.
2) This summer United have bought, bought, bought Guillermo Varela.
3) You really shouldn't have had that last drink.
What Will We Do? What Could Go Wrong?
The Daily Mail website loves a scare story. Other media outlets may report the 'news' of Everton's new away kit launch with wonder at the lovely sunshine yellow of the shirt and socks. But this is the Daily Mail and they want you to be afeared of asylum seekers, single mums, lesbians, the internet and kit clashes.
So brace yourself for their headline...
'What happens when they play Chelsea?'
(The answer of course is that they will wear their third kit or swap their blue shorts for white ones. You're welcome).
Elsewhere on the Daily Mail website, Neil Ashton has been taking out his calculator for his Ash Wednesday (we kid you not) column. And he's come up with a really big number.
'Rooney is banking on joining Chelsea, so United must decide whether he's worth fighting for... especially after paying him £3m since his last start,' is the eye-catching headline as Ashton writes: 'Since Wayne Rooney was last picked to start a game for Manchester United, he has been paid more than £3million in wages.'
They've been paying him over the summer when there are no games? Have they never heard of zero hours contracts?
Bombastic Opening Paragraph Of The Day
'IT promises to be as explosive as Miami Vice tonight when Jose Mourinho comes up against his former Real Madrid players' - Antony Kastrinakis, The Sun.
Does it? Does it really, Antony? Or is it just a friendly that happens to be in Miami?
'ENGLAND coach Roy Hodgson is facing a striker crisis for his side's friendly against Scotland' - The Daily Express.
'ROY HODGSON is staring at an alarming striker crisis ahead of next week's friendly against Scotland at Wembley' - The Daily Mail.
'ROY HODGSON faces a striker crisis BEFORE the season starts' - The Daily Mirror.
Yes, it seems that England boss will only have Manchester United's Danny Welbeck and Wilfried Zaha as well as Arsenal's Theo Walcott as striker options for their entirely meaningless friendly against Scotland. Which, we'll sure you'll agree is a 'crisis' - defined by one online dictionary as 'a time of intense difficulty or danger'.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'SCOTT'S SIN THE BAGG' - The Sun.
Football Story Of The Day
'Bradford City's mascot has stepped down from the role - because he is not fat enough. Lenny Berry, 59, has played the Bantams' City Gent for 20 years - which primarily involved wandering around in a bowler hat and City kit and having fun with the fans. After being diagnosed with diabetes, he lost weight for health reasons - and Berry says that meant he had to give up his beloved hobby. "I'm absolutely gutted. I am a grown man and this is something I have cried over," he told the Bradford Telegraph & Argus. "I used to have supporters chant things at me, like 'who ate all the pies'. I used to get them going and then grab my belly. I've always had a good rapport with fans." - Eurosport. Mediawatch is available most Saturdays.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A woman is offering to breastfeed babies of male gay parents for 100 euros (£86) a day. The 29-year-old describes herself as a trained nurse in an advert posted on a French website. The post, which the 'e-loue' website said is genuine and legal, reads: "I am a young mother in perfect health, a trained nurse of 29, and I am renting my breasts to milk-feed infants." The woman promises up to 10 breastfeeds a day, and adds that she is mobile and based near Paris. In response to queries via the website, she said many people had replied to the proposal. "I've received more than a dozen requests, but only half of them were serious. The rest were from perverts," the poster of the offer, run under a pseudonym like all adverts, said in an exchange with Reuters news agency' - Sky News.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters John Briggs and Jamie Maher. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.