Roy Hodgson is asked the perfect question, Mr Grumpypants is back, Jamie Redknapp hates making comparisons. Plus Ace-watch, you lucky things...
England fans targeted for muggings and rapes, United go from credit to crisis in seven days and the curse that's not a curse...
Relax, Liverpool fans, for your club's owner has come out and quite unequivocally said that Luis Suarez will not be sold.
"We are not going to sell Luis," said John W Henry, and you really cannot get more unequivocal than that.
If you're still in any doubt at all, here's Henry again: "I'm unequivocal that we won't sell to Arsenal, whatever the bid is."
So that's that. Mr John W Henry is a man of his word and has absolutely never, ever gone back on that word before.
Oh, except in October 2010 when he was asked about the possibility of Fernando Torres leaving in January and said: "Opportunities and value will drive spending in January and in the future. We intend to build on the strength of the current squad, not undermine it. And I can reassure our supporters that we have no intention of allowing the team to be weakened going forward."
Ever-Changing Story (Part One)
Headline on Daily Mail website, 12pm, Thursday: 'Wayne Rooney made to train with Manchester United reserves.'
It then emerges that Rooney himself requested to train with the reserves to get himself fit for next weekend's England-Scotland clash.
Headline on Daily Mail website, 3.30pm, Thursday: 'Rooney trains with United reserves as he bids to join Chelsea.'
Ever-Changing Story (Part Two)
Neil Ashton in Friday morning's Daily Mail: 'After training with Manchester United's reserves at Carrington at his own request so he could improve his fitness...'
Neil Ashton on the Daily Mail website at 11am on Friday: 'Wayne Rooney trained with Manchester United's kids on Friday morning for the second day in a row as the club try to crush his spirit after his demand to leave.'
Hell Hath No Fury
In light of the emerging story that Rooney was behind his training session with United's reserves, this exclusive from Goal.com on Thursday morning makes interesting reading. And when we say 'interesting', we mean 'absolute nonsense'.
'Wayne Rooney has taken a significant step towards the Manchester United exit door after he was ordered to train with reserves by David Moyes on Thursday following a meeting between club officials and his agent Paul Stretford, Goal can reveal. Stretford arrived at Carrington early on Thursday and when Rooney turned up for training, he was told that he would be working with the reserve players. Sources have told Goal that the wantaway striker appeared furious and, although he completed the full training session, which started at 10am, he is now considering handing in a formal transfer request.'
There's nothing more guaranteed to make a man furious than asking to train with the reserves and then training with the reserves. Grrrrrr.
Average Red-And-White Band
Theo Walcott: "You're not going to get an average player come to Arsenal."
Selection of players signed by Arsenal over the last five years: Gervinho, Park Chu-Young, Andre Santos, Sebastien Squillaci, Marouane Chamakh and Mikael Silvestre.
Talking of average Arsenal players, they are about to lose one in Chamakh, who is on the verge of joining Crystal Palace on loan.
We'll leave it to Palace boss Ian Holloway to explain his swoop: "When they picked him, he scored."
Or, alternatively Ian, 'when they picked him against Leyton Orient and Reading, he scored'. Unfortunately he didn't quite manage to find the net in the remaining 17 of his last 19 starts for Arsenal.
Goals, Goals, Goals
Stewart Downing is welcoming the potential signing of Diego Costa in the Liverpool Echo because it will bring yet more goals to Liverpool after their summer signings.
"This season there is real competition, especially going forward, and hopefully that can help push us on a bit," said Downing. "The manager said he wanted to sign players who would bring more goals to the group and both Iago Aspas and Luis Alberto have done well so far. Then there's Sturridge, Fabio Borini, Raheem Sterling, Jordon Ibe and myself. There's also Luis and obviously the club have put a bid in for Diego Costa as well."
Two things, Stewart.
a) You seem to have forgotten Philippe Coutinho and...
b) You, Fabio Borini, Raheem Sterling and Jordan Ibe contributed a grand total of six Premier League goals last season. Are you absolutely sure you want to welcome increased competition?
Here's Sky Sports expert Paul Merson on his tips for relegation: 'I was worried for Aston Villa a few weeks ago, but getting Christian Benteke to sign a new deal is like them signing a new £20m footballer. They will be more experienced this year and he will get 15 goals. I don't see any players from the promoted sides getting 15 goals because none of their players got 15 goals in the Championship!'
He's right, you know; Glenn Murray got 30.
QPR manager Harry Redknapp has a problem this season: Everyone will assume that his band of multi-millionnaire international footballers will roll over the has-beens and never-weres of the Championship. His tactic? Big up the opposition. There are no easy games, you know.
This weekend QPR face Huddersfield Town, who escaped relegation to League One on the final day of last season.
"Huddersfield are a big club," insists Harry. "I remember them being in the top division and doing well."
Credit where credit's due, that man has one hell of a memory. The last time Huddersfield Town finished in the top half of the top division was 1953-54; Harry was seven. But yeah, big club, tough game, don't expect too much, right.
Mediawatch was unaware of the existence of former Shrewsbury and Hinkley Town and current Luton striker Andre Gray until we were directed towards his Twitter timeline from Thursday night, when a community-minded lady reported him to the club for parking in a disabled spot.
Following a fine tradition of footballers, Gray of course responded in a mature and respectful manner before removing his car. Sorry about that, ladies.
Ah, who are we trying to kid? Gray instead tweeted the well-meaning and unerringly polite Saundra Glenn such lovely reponses as 'listen here big women u got a problem and want to abuse me come to 158 and say it to my face', 'shut your mouth', 'dont care dont come on here distrspectin me like you no me then ull see different side fool' and the charming 'got nothing to do with you so keep your nose out of it blob'.
Rickie, He's So Fine
Mediawatch is not about to claim that Rickie Lambert is up there with Robin van Persie and Luis Suarez as one of the Premier League's world-class strikers, but it riled us somewhat to see a headline in the Daily Mirror of 'IS HE ALL WE'VE GOT?' with a sub-headline of 'Striker crisis laid bare by Three Lions call-up for Lambert'. It's an attitude sniffier than a hay fever sufferer in a field of freshly-baled hay.
For the record, how many English players outscored Lambert in the Premier League last season? None.
How many English strikers had more shots on target than Lambert in the Premier League last season? None.
Of the strikers names by Hodgson, who has the best shot accuracy at 53%? Rickie Lambert.
Of the strikers names by Hodgson, who has the best chance conversion rate at 18%? Rickie Lambert.
Meanwhile, Danny Welbeck scored one Premier League goal last season, had nine shots on target, an accuracy percentage of 38% and a chance conversion rate of 4%.
IS HE ALL WE'VE GOT?
Headline Of The Day
'They think it's ball over...it is now' - The Sun get it right.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'ROY ROO SWEAT' - The Sun get it unpleasant.
Rumour Of The Day
'A busty fan tried to blackmail a Premier League ace for £100,000 after he sent messages begging for sex' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man's penis split open when a Thank You Nurses employee removed a catheter from him before deflating it, the patient claims in court. Cruz Ramirez and his wife sued Thank You Nurses Limited in Hidalgo County Court. Cruz Ramirez claims Thank You Nurses was giving him medical care at home while he recovered from surgery. "Part of this care involved the removal of a catheter device from his penis," the complaint states. "Defendant's employee negligently failed to properly deflate the device before removal. As a result, when the device was removed from plaintiff's penis, he suffered grave and serious injury. In effect, plaintiff's penis was split open." - Courthouse News Service.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Cory Wright, Luke Nuckley, Tony Marsh and Rory McNeelance. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.