Remembering 'Chelsea confident Wayne Rooney will NEVER wear Manchester United shirt again' and noting that being foreign means you can't do maths...
Martin Keown solves Chelsea's defensive problems and why Arsenal should fear Napoli tonight...
Remembrance Of Things Past
The past was better, you know. It was briliant. The sun shone all the time, you got money for nothing, your chicks for free and England were really good at football. Remember when we won all those trophies? Remember when we ruled the world? Life was grand and Tizer was available in every corner shop.
The Sun's Chief Grumpypants Steven Howard certainly remembers. And he fears that life will never be that good again.
He describes England thus: 'A country that can select from less than 30 per cent of the Premier League and which has slumped from fourth to 14th in the world rankings since Roy Hodgson took over. And a country that when Scotland last came calling in November 1999 could boast players like Seaman, Campbell, Adams, Ince, Beckham, Scholes, Shearer and Owen. Now look at us. With Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard and Ashley Cole approaching the final curtain, it will only get worse.
'Unless the FA and Premier League get together to cut down on the number of imports, England could well become the new Scotland.'
So presumably England were amongst the leading teams in world football in those halcyon days of November 1999? Presumably they sat proudly atop the world rankings?
Or, alternatively, FIFA ranked them 11th in the world below Norway and Romania. By July 2000 they had slumped to 15th. The eagle-eyed amongst you may have spotted that 15th is lower than the current position of Roy Hodgson's England. Who are apparently on their way to becoming 'the new Scotland'.
But yeah, the past was brilliant.
Rivalling Howard as Mr Grumpypants is The Daily Mirror's Martin Lipton, who gets himself into a proper tizz about England currently not being in line to be in the first pot of seeds for the 2014 World Cup.
'ENGLAND can kiss goodbye to any chance of being in the World Cup elite if they lose to Scotland,' he writes, rather ominously.
'Roy Hodgson's hopes of making the latter stages of the tournament will come under greater strain if England are not considered in the top seeds by FIFA in December.'
This all sounds terribly serious. So presumably when England failed at the 2010 World Cup it was because they weren't top seeds? And presumably all those sides that reached the quarter-finals did so from the first pot of seeds? Anything else is unthinkable.
Or, alternatively, England were in the top set of seeds and still failed miserably while Paraguay, Uruguay and Ghana did really quite well, thanking you, despite not being part of the 'World Cup elite'.
In fact, World Cup quarter-finalists Ghana's FIFA world ranking in December 2009 was a lowly 34th.
It's almost as though you can't predict the results of football matches several months in advance.
Scotch On The Rocks
Steven Gerrard on playing Scotland: "We play against these guys week in, week out, so it's a good test for us."
Number of Scotland's 28-man squad who played in the Premier League last season: Ten.
Number of Scotland's 28-man squad who finished in the top half of the Premier League last season: Two.
That's not week in, week out, Steven. And that's not a test.
Back-page headline in the Daily Star: 'I'M JACKING IN MY JOB'.
Sub-headline in the Daily Star: 'Gerro: I'll quit 3 Lions after Brazil.'
Actual quotes from Gerrard: "I've got to assume it's my last year. I can't assume I'm going to be here in two or three years' time."
Last month, Mediawatch remarked that the Daily Mirror's Oliver Holt had seemingly forgotten about Wayne Rooney's 2010 transfer request when he wrote this: 'In an age where footballers are easily cast as egotistical glory-hunters, Rooney has proved himself the ultimate team player for the Old Trafford giants. He has accepted being played out of position for long periods without complaint. He has excelled all over the pitch. He has run himself into the ground...so it is obvious that leaving a club that has brought him so much success is not something to be considered lightly.'
We forgave him. We thought it was a blip, a slip, a mistake.
But no, Holt has now written an entire 35-paragraph column based on the notion that Rooney staying at United would be the first time that a player who wants to leave a club does not actually get his way.
'We reached the point some time ago where it was assumed that if a star player wants to leave a football club, he will leave it,' he writes.
'If he wants out, he'll get out. He may beg and plead. He may say he needs to move closer to his family.
'He may cite broken promises, gentleman's agreements, contract clauses and masonic handshakes. He may say he wants to play a better standard of football and test himself at a higher level.
'He may say it is necessary that his talent graces the greatest stage of all, the Champions League.
'He may say relationships have broken down, that he can never play for the manager again, that he has been persecuted or victimised.
'Whatever, he will find a way. He'll do it by fair means or by foul but in the end he will always win.
'So when David Moyes said categorically on Sunday afternoon that Wayne Rooney would NOT be sold this summer, eyebrows were raised.
'Most people in football know Rooney wants out. Most people in football therefore assume Rooney will get out.'
Except, of course, all those people who remember what happened in 2010 with the player you're citing as a new precedent.
Mediawatch has received an e-mail promoting Sportlobster ('a social environment completely dedicated to fans of all sports'). It details Michael Owen's predictions for every club in the Premier League. Get your betting slips at the ready.
'Arsenal's prospects depend largely on their transfer activity...'
On Liverpool: 'Much depends on star man Luis Suarez...'
On Man City: 'A lot will depend upon the new manager bedding in the new stars...'
On Man United: 'Much will depend on the form of Robin Van Persie...'
'Much depends on the start Newcastle have...'
So basically, the conversation went something like this:
Sportlobster: What will happen in the football, Michael?
Michael Owen: Well, it depends.
Have you got your BT Sport subscription yet?
The Daily Star says that Christian Benteke has 'spurned the chance of a more fashionable number' on his shirt than 20.
Presumably, 20 is sooooo 2011.
Worst Headlines Of The Day
'Maiging a move', 'Zold on Baggies', It's iossok-go' and 'Strike it Ric' - all on the same, stinking page of The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A pair of armed thieves became involved in a lengthy standoff with police having reportedly barricaded themselves into a cafe after breaking in to get quiche. They broke into Cafe@Marshalls in Berwick-upon-Tweed, Northumberland, during the night. But when police surrounded the premises, they armed themselves with knives and a five-hour siege ensued. Angela Marshall, who runs the cafe with her husband, said: "Apparently they were hungry and wanted some quiche. There was a little bit of money in the till, but I think they just wanted food and then it got out of hand."' - The Guardian.
Thanks to our Mediawatch spotter Sally Ledger. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.