The Sun conduct an 'experiment' and Adrian Durham knows how to spice up romance...
Steven Howard manages to be miserable at the Emirates, Jose Mourinho spouts some nonsense and Robbie Savage tries to help David Moyes...
The Express ran a fascinating story last week on Michael Calvin's new book 'The Nowhere Men', which revealed David Moyes's 'obsessively detailed, almost forensic approach to football management'.
In his 'secret room' at Everton, Moyes is said to have left no stone unturned in his pursuit of new players, with his wall charts - 'a Moyes mind map' - plotting the future of his current squad and potential transfer window targets in enormous detail.
According to the Express's interview with Calvin, the names on Moyes's white boards 'are the pick of the 1,000 players under review and are deemed realistic recruits.
'The next board contains 'live' targets, who are monitored constantly. Their ages are written in red, on a yellow square.
'Those names in blue are potential free transfers, coming to the end of their contracts. Those in green are potential loanees. Those in red carry a price.'
It all sounds hugely impressive, and exactly the sort of forward planning that should have helped Moyes recruit his top targets at Manchester United this summer. The only problem is that, in reality, Moyes doesn't seem to have a blithering clue what he's doing.
"This was always going to be a difficult window for me personally because I joined Manchester United on 1 July so it is giving you a short period to get to know the players and to get to know the market," said Moyes on Thursday.
Oh, you've not had enough time David? Then how do you suppose Manuel Pellegrini and Jose Mourinho have managed to secure several new signings? We certainly don't remember those two complaining about a difficult window and getting to know the market.
Moyes knew he would be joining United back in May, so his feeble excuses two days before the start of the season really don't sound too clever. Even if six weeks was cutting it short to bring in new players (which it wasn't) then what did he expect would happen if he picked up the phone to ask Barcelona about Cesc Fabregas in June? "No, sorry David. We can't talk to you until July."
Headline in the Daily Mirror on August 9: 'IS HE ALL WE'VE GOT?' with the sub-headline 'Striker crisis laid bare by Three Lions call-up for Lambert.'
The Daily Mirror's back-page headline on August 15: 'WHAM BAM THANK YOU LAM' with the sub-headline 'Striker's fairytale arrival rescues edgy England.'
A Laugh A Minute
Mediawatch has heard plenty of laboured jokes in its time, heck, you might be surprised to learn that even we've stumbled to a punchline on occasion. But Steven Howard's intro to his England report in The Sun is truly a new low for comedy. Buckle in, people.
'They first realised King George III was in trouble when he was caught talking to a tree in Windsor Great Park,' writes Howard.
'Even worse, he thought he was conversing with the King of Prussia.
'You started to have the same fears for Roy Hodgson last night as 33-year-old Kenny Miller, turning out for the Vancouver Whitecaps, fired Scotland into a 2-1 lead just after half-time.
'The England boss immediately started muttering to himself.
'The he shouted instructions to his men on the pitch.
'He, no doubt, was under the impression he was conversing with a football team.'
Phew, we got there eventually. Now, how many of you are still alive?
Howard continues to suggest, with no little hyperbole, that following Miller's strike 'Hodgson was staring at a result that would have tested not only his mental suitability but all his powers of survival'. Because a narrow defeat in an ultimately meaningless friendly against Scotland would of course warrant his dismissal, right?
Perhaps The Sun's Mr Grumpypants is best sticking to the jokes.
Silence Is Golden
Mediawatch wasn't at all surprised by Robbie Savage's revelations on tricks to engineer a transfer on the BBC website, but it particularly enjoyed this line in his 11-point guide:
'Clamming up and staying silent is a very effective tool.'
Indeed, Robbie. Indeed.
Do It Young, Do It Often
Ronaldinho has been sharing the secrets of his illustrious career with Playboy magazine and it turns out bumping uglies may have played a key part in his success.
"During my time at Barcelona I often practiced sex before games and it was not only not a problem but a benefit, as it made me happier before I played on the field," said the 33-year-old.
"I'm now in love. I have girlfriend and I now have a much quieter life. In the past I was often unfaithful, but I have no intention of making the same mistake now. My first time I had sex was at age 13 with a neighbour, we were friends, and it was beautiful for both."
Mediawatch wanted to say something about lobbing Seaman, but it knows better than that.
Praise Of The Day
David Moyes on Wayne Rooney's performance for England: "He ran around."
Quote Of The Day
Luis Suarez, on reports he has decided to stay at Liverpool: "I didn't say that. Maybe someone else did and the main thing is that I am here now with the national team."
Is this the first time a player has denied a declaration of loyalty?
Worst Headline Of The Day
'England 3 ... Och Aye The 2' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man who enjoys dressing up as a dog has been arrested for having sex with a cat in Idaho. Ryan Havens Tannenholz, 28, is accused of sexually abusing the pet several times over the course of a year.
'Police arrested the man from Boise, Idaho, on August 1st, on six felony counts of crimes against nature and one misdemeanor count of cruelty to an animal. Tannenholz is said to be a 'furry' - the name given to a member of a community of people who dress as animals.
'According to Flayrah, a site dedicated to furries, he had a number of animal alter-egos including a dog, a wolf, a white husky and a fox.
'He is currently being held in custody in lieu of a $250,000 bond and faces up to five years in prison if convicted.' - The Daily Mail.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Ed Greening and Steven Fitzgerald. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.