Manchester United shouldn't pursue short-term signings in the transfer window and Mario Balotelli knows the English press so well...
Remembering 'Chelsea confident Wayne Rooney will NEVER wear Manchester United shirt again' and noting that being foreign means you can't do maths...
The Sun's Rob Beasley loves Chelsea. He really loves Chelsea. He especially loves Jose Mourinho. He loves him like Mediawatch loves its mother. Scratch that, he loves him like Mediawatch loves a girl that touches its genitals. So imagine Rob's excitement when he was granted a 'WORLD EXCLUSIVE' interview. His laptop was presumably (tear) stained as he typed...
'ON THAT fateful September night in 2007 when he left Chelsea, Jose Mourinho told me he would one day return to manage the club. His eyes were blurred by tears as we spoke about his shock departure, but his mind was crystal clear - he would be back.'
Beautiful, right? It doesn't end there...
'So we met up again and this time his eyes were sparkling as he opened up once more to tell me of his hopes and dreams second time round.
'In an explosive, exclusive SunSport interview, Mourinho revealed that he:'
We'll stop you there, Rob, and linger over that word 'explosive'. We're expecting big things when we read the word 'explosive'. The dictionary tells us that it means that whatever Mourinho revealed is 'likely to lead to violence or hostility'. So tell us, what does he 'explosively' reveal?
Put on a flak jacket and take cover as Mourinho reveals that he...
'* Wants to heal the rifts from the Rafa Benitez era.
* Wants fans to sing for the players not for him.
* Loves Chelsea more than any other club.
* Wants to be judged as a new boss not an old boy.
* Believes his legacy at the Bridge will last forever.
* Cannot wait for Sunday's big kick-off against Hull.'
Boom. Boom. Boom. Prepare for violence, hostility and Beasley to make an unseemly mess of his keyboard.
Mediawatch should have long since gone past the point where it was shocked. But we genuinely rocked back in our chair, took off our glasses and rubbed our face at the Daily Star website's headline 'REVEALED: The biggest Gareth Bale to Real Madrid hint yet...look at his car tax!'
His car tax, you see, runs out at the end of August. So he's definitely going to Real Madrid. Along with approximately a twelfth of the nation's other car owners.
Mediawatch is now crying genuine tears.
Adam Shergold in his weekend preview on the Daily Mail website at 7am: 'Let's hope for their sake it isn't a repeat of the nil-nil snorefest last October. Liverpool will almost certainly field Luis Suarez, whose will he-won't he transfer flirting with Arsenal could well be his Kop curtain-call. But at least he probably will score.'
Adam Shergold in his weekend preview on the Daily Mail website at 8am: 'Let's hope for their sake it isn't a repeat of the nil-nil snorefest last October. Liverpool are without the banned Luis Suarez, whose will-he, won't-he transfer flirting with Arsenal means he might never turn out for the club again.'
Website Of Record
Headline on the BBC website: 'Gustavo signs for Bayern Munich'.
Blurb on the BBC website: 'Brazil international Luiz Gustavo joins Bayern Munich from Wolfsburg, despite being heavily linked with Wolfsburg.'
It's been a long summer.
"The first few years I was there, the philosophy and policy were to buy young British players, such as myself, Aaron Lennon, Gareth Bale, Michael Dawson, Jermaine Jenas, and players like that," said Tom Huddlestone, shipped out of Tottenham to make room for foreigns Paulinho and Etienne Capoue.
"Now Steve Caulker has gone sold to Cardiff, they've let me go, Jake has left and it has gone the opposite way - buying more established international players. I'm not sure if it is good for the club. It will be difficult [for Tottenham]. They've let a few players go who were used to the Premier League week in, week out. Bringing players in from abroad, as we've seen in the past, can take them a while to settle."
And Huddlestone should know. He will have seen first-hand how difficult it was for foreigns Hugo Lloris and Jan Vertonghen to settle at Tottenham last season.
"I didn't feel I got a fair crack of the whip," continued Huddlestone, as miserable as any man who has just been shown around Hull. "I'd play some games and the results were good and my personal performances were good, and then I'd find myself out of the team for six or seven weeks without any explanation."
Mediawatch is disgusted. Why would AVB not have explained why he was dropping Huddlestone after he started six consecutive Premier League games in October/November last season and Tottenham lost only four of those six games including a 5-2 thwacking by Arsenal and a home defeat to Wigan? GIVE THE MAN AN EXPLANATION.
There's a very long interview with Steve Bruce in the Daily Mail in which he admits that he thought Hull - in the Championship when he took the job - were a little bit below his status as an established Premier League manager.
"I don't mean this disrespectfully to Hull but I never thought I would be here. But there were probably four or five Premier League jobs up for grabs and I thought I might get a squeak of one of those and it didn't happen," said the ever-modest Bruce.
It is truly astonishing that Bruce did not get 'a squeak' at a Premier League job after his record at Sunderland, where he recorded a win ratio of 29.59%. What must it have been about his start to the 2010/11 season of 11 points from 13 games that put off prospective exployers? We're at a loss to understand.
A baffled Bruce continued: "So then it was: Do I have the enthusiasm to come and give Hull what they need, which is an injection of enthusiasm? Do I still have the hunger for the Championship after being in the Premier League for the best part of 10 years?"
Hmmm. We'll stop you there, Steve, as you seem to have erased Birmingham's 2006 relegation from the Premier League from your memory.
Exclusive Of The Day
Big-ups and high fives to David Woods of the Daily Star for his 'exclusive' that Chelsea are ready to turn to Samuel Eto'o if they fail in a bid to sign Wayne Rooney, coming as it does just two days after Samuel Eto'o's agent said that Chelsea are ready to turn to Eto'o if they fail in a bid to sign Wayne Rooney.
What to make of the Daily Mail's contention that David Moyes 'sent coaches Phil Neville and Steve Round to Faro on Wednesday night' to 'scout Ronaldo again'? Do we really think that Moyes sent his assistants to see whether this Portuguese chap was any good? Or do we suspect that they might have been watching any of the other 31 players who featured in the Portugal v Holland friendly? Potential left-back signing Fabio Coentrao, perhaps?
Expert Of The Day
Robbie Savage in the Daily Mirror on Newcastle: "There are too many French players in the dressing room."
Prediction Of The Week
Mick Dennis of the Daily Express has predicted that West Brom will finish fourth. That's fourth. Above Tottenham, Arsenal and Liverpool. In fourth.
The Daily Mail's Simon Jones likes to be known as The Insider. Presumably he refers to himself as The Insider in the same way that Mediawatch refers to itself as Mediawatch. Except our name is cooler.
What he's mostly inside today is Sky Sports News Radio, from which he quotes Stoke coach Mark Bowen without a credit. The boys across the office are torn between being a) furious and b) ecstatic that somebody is listening.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'BREN: WE'LL BE JUST FINE WITHOUT LU' - The Daily Star.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A Hampton man was arrested on a lewd and lascivious charge on allegations he engaged Tuesday in a sexual act with a drunken woman at a public park on Lake Santa Fe in Melrose. Meanwhile, the woman with whom he engaged in the act was so intoxicated she was taken to the hospital and will be charged via a sworn complaint, Alachua County sheriff's spokesman Art Forgey said. The incident occurred about 2:14 p.m. at the park at 25500 Davonia St. An arrest report states the 35-year-old woman, who is from Keystone Heights, was extremely intoxicated and fell off a bench. The 19-year-old man came out of the water to assist the woman, and they engaged in a sexual act that went on for several minutes until someone stopped them, the report states' - <>The Gainesville Sun.
Thanks to Mediawatch spotters Richard Davies and Richard Pelham. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch in the subject field.