The Sun conduct an 'experiment' and Adrian Durham knows how to spice up romance...
Steven Howard manages to be miserable at the Emirates, Jose Mourinho spouts some nonsense and Robbie Savage tries to help David Moyes...
Everton are said to be a little irked at Manchester United's toe-in-the-water/insulting and derisory (delete according to own views) £28million bid for Marouane Fellaini and Leighton Baines. And given that the bid seems to value Fellaini at about the same price (£16m) Everton paid for him five years ago, and Baines at the same price (£12m) that Everton rejected earlier this summer, you can understand why.
Indeed, Everton have form for being poked, prodded and annoyed by clubs from Manchester making low initial bids to unsettle and disrupt their star players. Manchester City did the same with Joleon Lescott, and boy were the Toffees whipped up into a lather.
A club official said at the time: "There has not been one call. It's disappointing. We have got a player who we really value and we want to keep. We think the world of him and he can play two positions. We don't want to lose him. Yet he is being continually put in a position like he is at this moment in time.
"The way it has been handled is disgusting and all it has done is disrupted our club."
That Everton official, by the way, was David Moyes.
Ah, good. Ian Holloway's back. Great. Mediawatch is absolutely delighted.
And he put in an early bid for 'Most Pointlessly Paranoid Manager Of The Season' award, by complaining about a free-kick that wasn't give to his Crystal Palace side against Spurs.
Holloway moaned that, before the goal that won the game for Spurs, Nacer Chadli was not penalised for a "shoulder charge" on Stephen Dobbie. That shoulder charges are allowed in the rules of football appears to have escaped Mr Holloway.
"I've got to learn what a foul is," said Holloway, who claimed before the game that he was eager to escape the 'joker/wacky' image that he has spent the past seven or eight years carefully cultivating. We'd say this isn't the best way to go about that, Ollie.
"Decisions cost me nine points last time. I am not going to let it happen again," he continued, although quite what he can do to make sure all refereeing decisions go his way is unclear...and in the realms of the vaguely sinister threat.
Ollie, if you're looking for someone to blame for losing on Sunday, look at the chap who fielded a front three of Aaron Wilbraham, Dwight Gayle and Stephen Dobbie.
We know that most newspapers are very eager to let you know when they turn out to be right. One might wonder why that would be - isn't being right enough, without shouting about it? Doesn't it simply suggest that, because you're shouting about it, it's a pretty rare occurrence?
Anyway, The Sun are of course the worst for this particular brand of bragging, but do so in a very curious way this morning.
'Southampton last night signed Pablo Osvaldo...just as SunSport told you he would' the paper parps, highlighting a story in the Sun on Sunday and boasting 'FIRST...SunSport yesterday'.
A quick look at said story reveals that they actually told us that Spurs were moving to gazump Southampton's move.
'Tottenham are slugging it out with Southampton for Pablo Osvaldo...Spurs have held talks with Roma over a £17.5million deal for the Italy striker.'
August 16: The Daily Star reports: 'SOUTHAMPTON have been rejected by Roma star Pablo Osvaldo. Sources in Italy claim the 27-year-old has said no to The Saints' latest proposal, after they had their £16m bid accepted by the Serie A outfit.'
August 18: Osvaldo signs for Southampton.
We think we'e going to enjoy having Osvaldo around. For a start, just look at him. Like Captain Jack Sparrow crossed with a Maximuscle advert. Woof.
Secondly, we hear tell that Osvaldo has a life-size statue of Mick Jagger in his house, rivalling Fulham's Michael Jackson and Nani's gold Nani for the title of 'Best Statue In The Premier League'.
Thirdly, he punched Erik Lamela after his then Roma teammate told him: "Shut your mouth, you're not Maradona."
Finally, his lovely ladypartner, a Miss Jimena Baron, doesn't appear to be backward in coming forward, either. After receiving a certain amount of hassle from Roma fans about Osvaldo's departure, she thought long and hard before posting this on Twitter.
Pablo, if you ever need a place to stay, give Mediawatch a shout. We'll sleep on the couch. Or not, ifyouknowwhatwemean...
Bridging The Gap
Everyone was getting in on the Jose Mourinho love-in on Sunday - even Hull manager Steve Bruce.
"I just asked for Frank Lampard on loan - and offered him the Humber Bridge."
Insert own 'heavy load' joke here.
From the front page on a website not a million miles from here:
'...Wenger also pointed the finger at ref Chris Taylor for correctly giving two penalties...'
From the match report on a website not a million miles from here:
'The match officials, though, could have done with the benefit of a second look at the award of a second penalty for Villa on the hour.
'Agbonlahor sprinted into the Arsenal area but Koscielny looked to have made a fine recovering tackle, getting a touch on the ball before the Villa man. However, referee Taylor decided otherwise and pointed to the spot.'
His name's Anthony Taylor, too. Strong work all round.
Writes Tony Cascarino in The Times:
'It's time someone down south gave Terry Butcher at job. He's top of the league with Inverness Caledonian Thistle. OK, it's only after three games but he brought them up and kept them in the top flight. He deserves a chance.'
Firstly, yes, of course it's only after three games. Three games in which Inverness have beaten Dundee United, St Mirren and Motherwell, who in this nascent season have mustered four points between them.
Secondly, people have offered Butcher jobs 'down south' - specifically Barnsley, last season. And has Tony discussed this with Terry? Because he sounds reasonably happy where he is.
Butcher said, after rejecting the Barnsley job: "Under any other circumstances, I would have jumped at the chance. But for me it's something special that we've got here and I never really wanted to leave."
Worst Headline Of The Day
'FARCENAL' - The Sun.
Non-Football 'Admission' Of The Day
'Usain Bolt admits 'I'm a legend' after 200m title in Moscow' - The Guardian.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Doctors in Australia have removed a 10-centimetre fork from inside an elderly man's penis after a bizarre sexual mishap. The 70-year-old arrived at the Canberra Hospital emergency department with a bleeding sexual organ. He told doctors he had inserted the 10cm dining fork into his urethra almost 12 hours earlier in an attempt to achieve sexual gratification. But the utensil became stuck.
'The fork was not visible but doctors were able to feel it from the outside and X-rays showed its position. Doctors considered several retrieval options before deciding to pull the fork free using forceps and "copious lubrication" while the patient was under a general anaesthetic. The elderly patient was then sent home' - Stuff.co.nz.
Thanks to the dozens of you that sent in the fork/penis thing and James Alldis. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch in the subject field.