Remembering 'Chelsea confident Wayne Rooney will NEVER wear Manchester United shirt again' and noting that being foreign means you can't do maths...
Martin Keown solves Chelsea's defensive problems and why Arsenal should fear Napoli tonight...
'The sight of Jesus Navas hugging the right touchline at the Etihad will have been as unfamiliar to many youngsters as it was nostalgic to us who used to drool over the old wizards of the dribble,' writes Jeff Powell in the Daily Mail.
'There was a tendency, down our domestic football's more insular decades, to regard wingers as quintessentially British. But they also include in their tricky, ball-conjuring ranks some of the greatest players of all time.'
That's Jeff Powell, a man who claimed he had never heard of World Cup and European Championship winner Jesus Navas back in June, writing about 'domestic football's more insular decades'.
Sometimes this sh*t writes itself.
What An Excuse!
'Manchester United's 4-1 win at Swansea on Saturday suggests the team don't need a bonding session just yet,' writes Graeme Yorke in the Daily Mail.
'But David Moyes' men still took to the city on Tuesday night for a team meal, and what an excuse it was to bring their wives and girlfriends out for all to see.'
Mediawatch understands that you write for a publication that sees nothing wrong with describing an eight-year-old girl as 'leggy', Graeme, but that doesn't mean it's acceptable to equate footballers' wives and girls to mere possessions that are wheeled out 'for all to see'.
They're not f*cking cars or watches.
Tweeted Sky Sports on Tuesday night: 'Sky Sources: Norwich in talks with striker Johan Elmander.'
Would these 'sources' be Johan Elmander himself by any chance, who has been tweeting about his imminent move to Norwich since Friday?
The Sun run some interesting quotes from Daniel Agger on Wednesday, taken from Spanish newspaper Sport, in which the Liverpool defender professes his love for the club and rejects speculation linking him with a move to Barcelona.
'Daniel Agger insists he is happy to stay at Anfield ahead of the Nou Camp - even if Liverpool miss out on the top four again,' writes Phil Thomas.
'He said: "Barcelona are obviously a big club, but I have never thought about leaving Liverpool, unless they want to sell.
"Everyone at the club is an integral part of my life - I even have a YNWA tattoo! Frankly, I don't mind if we don't finish in the top four, I love the club."'
Ahh, isn't that nice. Daniel Agger carrying the flag for loyalty in this immoral world of modern football. Doesn't it make you feel all warm and fuz...what's that? He never said those things?
"I've just spoken with Daniel and he has not spoken to any journalists. The quotes are completely made up," Agger's agent Per Steffensen told bold.dk around 3pm on Tuesday.
The Sun must have a really early copy deadline.
'After 15 years in charge of the England women's team, Hope Powell was sacked yesterday,' writes Oliver Holt in his Daily Mirror column.
'In a way, the sack was a tribute to her. Powell's hard work meant she was judged as unsparingly as boss of the men's side might be.'
For some reason, Mediawatch is reminded of the Richard Herring line - 'I think that women should be treated as if they were equal.'
The Arsenal Prognosis
Said Arsene Wenger on Tuesday: "(Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain) will be out for at least six weeks, he has a posterior cruciate problem, a ligament which is stretched. We don't think it will need surgery."
Three hours later, Oxlade-Chamberlain tweets: 'Gutted I'm injured so early in the season. But I'm going to be working hard to hopefully be back playing in 3 months. Thanks 4 all ur support.'
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy Of The Day
"Less than 2 weeks is a long time and 75 per cent of things happen in the last ten days" - Arsene Wenger on the transfer window.
Quote Of The Day
"I speak to Randy (Lerner) every week anyway and he's always really supportive of it. I spoke to him the other night after the Arsenal win. He probably says one thing to me and then goes and vomits somewhere else." - Paul Lambert.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Yes, we Roo have a plan B' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Hundreds of people complained after tourism officials in Australia censored a kangaroo's genitals on a photo. Tourism Australia posted the picture of kangaroo Big Baz on their Facebook page with his 'naughty bits' pixelated out.
'The caption read: "Enjoying a lazy afternoon at Featherdale Wildlife Park *Censored for Facebook."
'But more than 1,600 people posted comments about what they complained was over the top censorship. One poster said: "Censoring the reproductive organs of an animal is one of the most stupidest things I've ever seen. Well done Australia!"
'Another added: "Why are you censoring a kangaroo? OMG, that's just crazy! It looks as though you're trying to turn him into a centrefold instead of it being a normal pic of kangaroo behaviour."
'Tourism Australia said the photo was only a bit of fun.' - orange.co.uk
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