Remembering 'Chelsea confident Wayne Rooney will NEVER wear Manchester United shirt again' and noting that being foreign means you can't do maths...
Martin Keown solves Chelsea's defensive problems and why Arsenal should fear Napoli tonight...
Slight Difference Of Opinion
'WE NEED ROO! Jose Mourinho saw why he must make one last bid to buy Wayne Rooney this week as Chelsea slugged out a goalless draw at Old Trafford' - The Daily Mail.
'The England striker was the best player on the pitch, despite failing to inspire United to a win over Jose Mourinho, who is determined to sign him' - The Daily Mirror.
'WAYNE ROONEY showed last night why David Moyes will not let him move and Jose Mourinho covets him' - The Daily Express.
'Mourinho cools interest in Rooney' - The Times.
Adrian Durham's column on The Daily Mail website was only published a few minutes before Mediawatch's deadline today, so we haven't had time to drink in the full glory.
Luckily, he provides some snappy bullsh*t in the first few paragraphs, so we don't have to read that far down.
Durham writes: 'Why would Wayne Rooney want to leave Manchester United and go to play for one of the most negative coaches in Premier League history?
'We all wondered whether it would be Demba Ba, Fernando Torres or Romelu Lukaku starting at Old Trafford, but Mourinho didn't bother with a recognised striker. He didn't even think it was a good idea to include Juan Mata, one of the most creative and dangerous players in the top flight last season.
'What else could we expect from a manager who started his Real Madrid career with a goalless draw?'
Well quite. Mourinho did indeed start his Real Madrid career with a 0-0 draw. Of course, in the remaining 37 games of that season Real scored 102 goals, the most in La Liga and more than league winners Barcelona. And the following season they scored a whopping 121 times - again the most in La Liga and more than Barcelona. Last season they managed a mere 103 goals, mind. That negativity taking over, clearly.
Jack Wilshere had some words of support for Arsene Wenger before the game against Fulham at the weekend.
"He's been there for 14 years and he's always delivered trophies. OK we've had a little dip in the last five or six years but he's a great manager and people who question his ability are ridiculous."
Ah, the 'little dip', which is actually eight years - thus nearly half of the 17 years Wenger has been in charge of Arsenal.
A little dip indeed.
Wenger had some words about Wilshere as well, though these are directed at Roy Hodgson, for whom he had some advice/instructions.
"(The Ukraine fixture is) the key. So don't play him against Moldova," said Wenger of Wilshere.
Only play a fragile player in a competitive, important game. Makes sense. Good thinking, Arsene. Very sensible.
Presumably that's why Wilshere was rested for a league game against Fulham on Saturday, and will return to the starting line-up for tonight's second leg against Fenerbahce, which Arsenal lead 3-0.
Brendan Rodgers has got this football business nailed. He said after they beat Aston Villa on Saturday:
"It's only two games, it's very early yet - but it's better to win them than draw or lose."
We don't know about you, but Mediawatch generally likes to celebrate a 0-0 draw by either retiring to the drawing room for port, cigars and thumbing of leather-bound volumes, or heading out into the night to furiously twerk* and shove gallons of ecstasy pipes into our thinkboxes.
A fruity couple in Denmark chose something halfway between those two options at the weekend, invading the pitch after Brøndby's stalemate with Randers to engaged in the physical act of sweet, sweet love, right there next to the centre circle.
The good people at 101GreatGoals.com report: 'Brøndby press officer Mikkel Davidsen reported the incident on his Twitter feed, and an image of the canoodling couple has since been posted online.
'Further reports have also indicated that the pair's love making failed to last long as the couple were interrupted by the club's security chief, James Mickel Lauritsen, who threw them out of the stadium.'
We do hope they replaced any divots.
* We have no idea what twerking is - we've just seen it written down somewhere.
Whoa Dude, Like, Radical Tweet Of The Day
'Unlikely to see Chelsea adopt that psychedelic starting formation again this year' - The Daily Telegraph's Paul Hayward has been taking some rubbish drugs if that's his version of psychedelic.
Worst Non-'Roo' Headline Of The Day
'Swans wingie' - The Sun.
Worst 'Roo' Headlines Of The Day
'Roonited I stand' - The Sun.
'We need Roo!' - The Daily Mail
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A mayor was left in a muddle after a female journalist interviewing him pulled down her dress and exposed her breasts. Things had been going to plan for Kelowna politician Walter Gray during his interview with radio host and writer Lori Welbourne. She had been asking about the legality of women exposing their chest in public in the Canadian town prior to Go Topeless Day, an occasion when women go shirtless.
'But the British Columbia official was left shocked when the On The Rocks interviewer suddenly yanked down the top half of her outfit and showed him her breasts. Prior to this she had asked what would happen if she did take off her clothing. While Gray was formulating an answer he was interrupted by her asking him to hold her microphone. Once it was in his hand she started to strip off to the surprise of the mayor and probably everyone else watching. It took a moment for the town leader to regain his concentration but admirably he was able to continue the interview. The mayor later told the journalist it was perfectly legal for a women to be topless' - Metro.
Thanks to our Mediawatch spotter Kenneth Harrell. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.