Arsene Wenger is 'NOT UPSET', Roberto Martinez issues a dodgy guarantee and the 'daunting' 0.0868% chance...
Do as Dave says or he'll sack ya, the healing hands of Tony Pulis and more unpleasant images...
The Lying One
On the day after Chelsea signed Willian for £32m, Samuel Eto'o packed his little overnight bag to come to London for talks and Christian Atsu edged closer to a move, Mediawatch would like to take a moment to reflect on July 17 and a press conference from Jose Mourinho that was reported thus by the BBC and others:
'Jose Mourinho says Wayne Rooney is Chelsea's only summer transfer target after Manchester United rejected their bid for the England striker...And when asked if the Blues had made any other bids for players, the Portuguese said: "No - and we won't."...Asked if it is Rooney or bust, he replied: "Yes."'
Presumably the slippery bugger had his fingers crossed.
Man Of The People
'Eto'o agrees £7m one-year deal with Chelsea...after arriving on the train!' is the headline on the Daily Mail website. And we know it's unusual for a wealthy man to take the train because they've used an exclamation mark!
August 16: Willian is available for transfer and says: "There are conversations, and I am hoping in the next few days for an offer from a club like Liverpool. If it is Liverpool, then they are a great club."
August 22: Willian undergoes medical at Tottenham.
August 28: Willian signs for Chelsea, saying: "It's been my dream to come to play here. Finally it's become a reality, and when the offer came I never gave a thought to anybody else, I said to myself that I would run here, and I'm happy to be here now. Chelsea were always my first choice."
Most One-Sided Conversation Ever?
Danny Welbeck on the Manchester United website: "I was with Sturridge at a Nike event and we were speaking about our goals, so I'm looking forward to playing against him at Anfield."
Maths With The Mirror
Daily Mirror, August 19: 'Manchester United have had a joint £28m bid for Marouane Fellaini and Leighton Baines rejected by Everton. United bid £16m for attacking midfielder Fellaini and £12m for left-back Baines, with Everton immediately rebuffing the combined offer. Everton have confirmed the official double bid was turned down and it remains to be seen whether United return with an improved bid for the pair.'
Daily Mirror: August 26: 'Manchester United boss David Moyes will focus on Marouane Fellaini - and drop his bid for Leighton Baines - if his double bid fails. Moyes thinks it will be easier to land Belgian midfielder Fellaini than England left-back Baines and plans to go down that line. The United chief is going to up his offer for the pair to £35million, but if that is snubbed he will try to get Fellaini on his own.'
Daily Mirror, August 29: 'Everton are seething after their former manager David Moyes made an improved £38million double bid to take Marouane Fellaini and Leighton Baines to Manchester United. Moyes increased his previous package for the pair - which was condemned as "insulting and derisory" by the Toffees - by £8million.'
So ro recap: they offered £28m, planned on offering £35m and eventually offered £38m, which is apparently £8m more than £28m.
Maths With The Express
One of Mediawatch's pet hates is the tabloid obsession with adding wages, bonuses and lunch money to make the highest possible transfer total. So Rooney could cost Chelsea £50m (he won't), Luis Suarez could cost Arsenal £60m (he won't) and now, thanks to the Daily Express, 'Jose Mourinho is on a £45m spending spree'.
So how do the Daily Express get to this magic £45m figure? Well, there's £32m for Willian, £3.5m for Christian Atsu and £10m for Samuel Eto'o, of course.
£10m for Eto'o? But surely he's available for next to nothing from the buggered Anzhi? Let's consult the Express...
'Eto'o's agents agents were in London last night putting the finishing touches to a deal that will cost Chelsea about £4m, with the Cameroon striker earning about £6m.'
Ah, so they've randomly added Eto'o's wages because £45m is a 'spree' while £39m would be just your usual Monday night trip to Morrisons.
Willian and Atsu, of course, are playing for nothing.
Maths With Wenger
Arsene Wenger, August 27: "Podolski's definitely out for 21 days."
August 29: Podolski is ruled out for 8-10 weeks.
To be fair, that's definitely more than 21 days.
Warning Of The Week
According to the Daily Mirror: 'ADAM JOHNSON has warned supporters that the Paolo Di Canio revolution won't turn Sunderland into an overnight success.'
Supporters are obviously in dire need of that warning after two wins in Di Canio's nine Premier League games in charge. Don't get carried away, giddy Mackems.
Mediawatch is not about to take the high moral ground on Gordon Taylor. We've all gambled £4m in two-and-a-half years, right? But we have to question any man who places £15,000 on England to beat Switzerland when Darren Bent and Bobby Zamora are the best available strikers? For this alone, he should be sacked.
Kolo Toure got injured during extra-time of Liverpool's 4-2 win over Notts County on Tuesday night.
"Kolo Toure's injury came in extra-time," confirmed Steven Gerrard. "Maybe he wouldn't have suffered that injury if it'd finished after 90 minutes."
Headline Of The Day
'Forrest Trump' - The Daily Mirror.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'It's Mission Impossibale' - The Daily Star. You see what they've done there?
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man has been fined more than £300 after swallowing a HUMAN TOE at a Canadian bar. The Sourtoe Cocktail is a tradition in Dawson City, where a shot of whisky is served with a human toe in the bottom of the glass. The toe must touch the punter's lips as they drink, but they are not supposed to swallow it. If you accidentally down the human body part, you face a fine - as happened to a customer at the Downtown Hotel on Saturday night. Terry Lee - the bar's "toe captain" - said the brave customer swallowed his drink including the toe, before putting $500 dollars on the table. It's not the first time the toe has been swallowed, but it is thought to be the first time someone has ingested it deliberately. The bar apparently has a "back up toe" so the tradition can continue, but Lee says he is hoping another will be donated' - The Daily Mirror.
Thanks for nothing today. Again. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.