Arsene Wenger is 'NOT UPSET', Roberto Martinez issues a dodgy guarantee and the 'daunting' 0.0868% chance...
Do as Dave says or he'll sack ya, the healing hands of Tony Pulis and more unpleasant images...
Draws: Not As Good As Wins
To be a journalist or writer of any description, you have to have a certain amount of arrogance. Why else would you assume that anyone else gives two f*cks about what you have to say if you weren't just that little bit cocky? Only a little bit, mind. Any more just becomes unseemly.
However, Martin Samuel seems to have taken this a little too far in The Daily Mail, in a piece about how draws are not as good as wins, something that we sort of assumed everyone pretty much had figured out.
Samuel airily dismisses the personal preference of Roy Hodgson, who apparently enjoyed Manchester United and Chelsea's 0-0 draw last week, writing:
'By all means heed expertise but don't be bamboozled. The 2003 Champions League final between AC Milan and Juventus wasn't, in fact, one for the purists. It was a crock. So was the game at Old Trafford last Monday. And Hodgson was so enthralled he left it before the end.'
There you go, chaps. Martin thought it was rubbish, so Roy is wrong. That's how it works. Mediawatch can imagine few things more tedious than watching golf or F1, but they both seem pretty popular, so clearly some people enjoy them.
What's strange is that Samuel seems to suggest that Hodgson's appreciation of the United v Chelsea game means bad times for England, warning that stalemates against Moldova and Kiev would n't be good for their prospects of qualifying for the World Cup, as if it hasn't occurred to Hodgson that wins in those games would be preferable.
There's a lesson from history from Samuel too: 'It would not have mattered that England lost twice to Croatia and once to Russia in the qualifying group for Euro 2008, had they not drawn 0-0 with Macedonia at home and Israel away. A goal in either of those matches would have taken Steve McClaren's side through.'
Well, if we're going to play that game, you know what? If England had drawn those three games they lost then they would've finished top of the group. Hey, look at that - turns out drawing is better than losing, but not as good as winning.
Thanks for that Martin.
Harshing The Buzz
Writes Jamie Redknapp in The Daily Mail, on Olivier Giroud:
'The ghosts of the Arsenal forward lines from the past continue to haunt this French forward.
'But comparisons with Ian Wright, Dennis Bergkamp Thierry Henry and Robin van Persie are harsh.'
And just below Jamie's plea, the Mail print a table comparing Giroud's scoring record with Ian Wright, Dennis Bergkamp Thierry Henry and Robin van Persie.
David de Gea is a sensible boy, it seems.
After an error by Nemanja Vidic put the United goalkeeper in something of a pickle during Manchester United's defeat to Liverpool, De Gea was seen to be shaking his head in a rather disgusted manner.
Vidic then turned round to apologise, but still with those eyes and that menacing buzzcut and those fists.
De Gea put his thumbs up & told him not to worry about it.
What A Difference Ten Days Make
'THIS game showed why Arsenal have spent the whole summer trying to buy a striker. Giroud was the world culprit... his finishing looks anything but top class' - John Cross in The Daily Mirror, August 22.
'Who needs to spend £109million when Gunners have Olivier Giroud? Who needs Luis Suarez? Who needs Gonzalo Higuain? Or even Wayne Rooney?
Not Arsenal when they have got Olivier Giroud, whose match winner proved you cannot put a price on team spirit' - John Cross in The Daily Mirror, September 2.
"We do know that Manchester United have made contact with Mesut Ozil's representatives" - Sky Sports News, 9.40am.
"I've been told in the strongest terms that Manchester United are not in for Mesut Ozil" - Sky Sports News, 10am.
There's something weird happening with Steve Bruce. And not just his nose. Bruce seems to think that a nearby piece of masonry is a valuable commodity in the transfer market.
You may recall a couple of weeks ago Bruce said: "I just asked for Frank Lampard on loan - I offered him (Mourinho) the Humber Bridge."
And at the weekend, Bruce said: "Where am I going to get a player who's proven at scoring 12 to 15 goals in the Premier League? Even if I had the Humber Bridge to play with, can I get him there to Hull?"
Anyway, Bruce would be shooting himself in the foot here if he did trade the Humber Bridge for a player - if it was taken away that would leave the city much less accessible, thus making it much more difficult to actually get anyone to Hull.
Said Alan Pardew after Newcastle's 1-0 win over Fulham:
"It is important for our fans, it has been a tough week - the press have given us a hard time - but we are only three games into the season and we have had three clean sheets."
Clearly Alan took their shoeing at the hands of Manchester City worse than the fans, as he's blocked it from his brain.
From RTE's football round-up on Sunday evening:
"Spurs lacked drive without Gareth Bale and Jermaine Jenas..."
Worst Headline Of The Day
'A dose of clap ' fickle' - The Sun. Largely because having the phrase 'A dose of clap' so near a picture of Steven Howard makes us feel more than a touch bilious.
Non-Football Headline Of The Day
'Police thwarted by goat stuck on roof who 'only respects one man' - Metro.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A mum in a hurry boobed in central China when she breastfed her young son while they sped through traffic on a moped. Witnesses say the tot - aged about 18 months - was crying as the bike weaved through busy roads in Yuzhou, Henan province. "So she suddenly lifted up her T-shirt, whipped out her breast and started to feed him on the move," said one startled driver.
'But the impromptu meals on wheels earned the mother a ticking off from local police. "She was risking her life, her son's life and the lives of all the other road users," said a police spokesman. "We told her that if she carried on we would confiscate her bike," they added' - Orange.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Larry Caffrey, Stephen and Barry. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.