Arsene Wenger is 'NOT UPSET', Roberto Martinez issues a dodgy guarantee and the 'daunting' 0.0868% chance...
Do as Dave says or he'll sack ya, the healing hands of Tony Pulis and more unpleasant images...
The Busy Summer Of Joe Kinnear
And so, a pretty barren transfer window comes to an end for Newcastle. It's not just that they only signed two players, it's that transfer deadline day appeared to come and go without anyone really realising they were there. Hell, nobody even seemed keen to buy any of their players.
But what of their new transfer structure? What of the crack team put together to secure the deals that would set Newcastle back on track? Well, the obvious problem there is that Joe Kinnear is part of this crack team.
Kinnear said upon his appointment as director of football back in June: "I heard that silly comment what can I attract.
"I can open the door to any football manager in the world, anyone. That's the difference. I spend my whole life, picking up the phone, talking to Alex Ferguson, week in, week out, what would you do, what would you do? Pick the phone up at any time of day and speak to Arsène Wenger.
"I can pick the phone up and speak to any manager in the league, any manager in all divisions."
Which, we think we can all agree, went well. Who knows, maybe Joe did pick up that phone? But presumably the response if he rang Ferguson was "Joe, I've retired. Leave me alone".
Kinnear also noted in that SHOUTsport interview: "We'll discuss areas what's desperate - in my opinion we need a striker and I see that desperate."
So in the ten weeks since that 'desperation' was made clear, Newcastle have signed one striker, Loic Remy on loan, who's injured, and potentially faces a very serious criminal trial in the coming months.
Pardew seemed to share this desperation, saying on July 24: "I'm pushing Joe to get a transfer in. We need a boost now. We're in a situation where we want to progress. Gomis is a player who would suit us, and we should pursue it as strongly as we can."
Pardew still had faith though, commenting on July 31: "We have done that ever since we have been here. We have always managed to get somebody over the line and I think we will this time. They are all very much on the radar. We will pursue them until we get them."
And again on August 17: "Joe's on the case, and I think Mike agrees with me and Joe that we need one more. That's helpful, as he's the one who's got to pay. We speak enough to know where we are. His focus is purely on the transfers, and hopefully he can get a striker."
Everyone at Newcastle seemed to recognise that last summer, when they failed to strengthen (they signed only Vernon Anita) and capitalise on their excellent 2011/12 season, leading to a very iffy 2012/13 campaign.
Pardew admitted in December: "Myself, Mike and Derek all agree we should have bought one more senior player in here. For whatever reason, it did not happen. We have learnt from that, and that is what comes from the luxury which is the security of the owner...
"But it is not Graham's fault, Derek's fault or Mike's fault or mine - it is a collective thing and we have to take that all on the chin. We got that wrong."
All about learning from your mistakes, this game.
Writes Gareth Bale's agent Jonathan Barnett in The Daily Telegraph:
'I have been involved in some of the most difficult transfers you can possibly imagine over the years but this was the most rewarding one I have had the pleasure of negotiating.'
We don't know about you, but the first person we would consult for an erudite and fascinating view on immigration would be Vinnie Jones.
And lucky us, he has given us such views.
Jones is quoted in The Independent as saying, about England: "It's not the country I grew up in. It's a European country now. If someone blindfolded you and put you on a plane in LA, and you landed at Heathrow and they took it off, you wouldn't have a clue where you were.
"I just think we should get our own house in order before we open our doors. It's mind-boggling to me."
Vinnie Jones lives in Los Angeles.
February 27: The Daily Mail reports that 'Everton face a battle to keep hold of Marouane Fellaini this summer after Real Madrid, Chelsea and both Manchester clubs expressed interest in the Belgian.'
September 3: Adrian Durham writes in The Daily Mail - 'Let me start with a question: would Sir Alex Ferguson have signed Marouane Fellaini? No doubt Fergie made some dubious signings in his time, but I just don't think he would see the Belgian as United quality. I'll leave you to ponder it.'
The Summer Of Love
Not to be put in the shade by Jim White's over-the-top caterwauling and hyperbole, our old friend Bill Howell of The Birmingham Mail has been up to his old bullsh*t again.
Here's his intro to his match report from Port Vale 1 Wolves 3:
'Davina McCall walks down the driveway and knocks at the front door. Nicky Campbell waits in the taxi. The home owner peers through the net curtains fearing a doorstep challenge for washing powder. McCall flicks her shiny brunette locks, flashes her pearly teeth and looks the resident straight in the eye.
"Wolverhampton Wanderers?" she asks.
"Yes," comes the reply from within a weary, wrinkled face.
"We've found your family."
'Four months ago Wolves were a Long Lost Family - fatherless, motherless, sisterless, brotherless. Unloved and incapable of loving. It's like 1967 all over again in the hearts and minds of Wanderers folk on the terraces. The Summer of Love, long-haired hippies, flares and flowers.
'Five games into the new season and everything they touch turns to gold. Four straight wins, three straight away sell-outs, almost 4,500 supporters at the Potteries.'
The Sad Side Of Public Nudity
Streakers are, for the most part, funny. However, some streakers are quite sad, too.
Take 'Thomas L' (not his real name, but an alias chosen by German rag Bild), who dashed nude onto the pitch during Hannover v Mainz at the weekend.
So why did he do this? Was he drunk? Well, yes, of course he was, but there was another reason.
He's quoted as saying: "My wife left me three weeks ago after ten years of being together and a year and a half of marriage. I just thought I had to do something."
So did it work? Did displaying his glans to the watching world convince his lady wife that she had made a terrible mistake? Was this grand gesture enough to win his love back?
"Are you stupid? You're a disgrace to us all," she's quoted as saying by Bild.
That's a 'No' then.
Headline Of The Day
'O-Zil to the Arsenal' - The Daily Mirror.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Arsene Spender' - The Daily Mail. Doesn't work, lads.
Non-Football Headline Of The Day
'Police launch formal investigation into claim dwarf entertainer was set alight on Mad Monday' - AdelaideNow.com.au.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'US pilots accidentally dropped a practice bomb in the car park of a bar in Maryland. Drinkers inside Darlene's Tavern heard what sounded like fireworks and then saw thick smoke coming from the car park after the missile landed. The 33-pound bomb was a BDU-33, and a faulty electrical releasing device caused it to become detatched from a National Guard A-10 Warthog jet as it was flying a practice run over Maryland. According to Lt. Col. Charles Kohler, spokesperson for the Maryland National Guard, the pilot didn't know that the bomb had dislodged from the jet and fell off, until he returned back to the base.
'While returning to base, a pilot saw a warning that "some of the ordnance did not properly release." Another fighter jet flew under the A-10 for a visual inspection, but it was too dark to see. The Maryland bomb squad dug the blue-coloured bomb from the ground, just feet from the entrance of the bar. It was two feet long and did not contain any explosives. Luckily no one was hurt, although the impact did cover cars in dust and rocks. "I still can't believe it," said the pub's owner Lena Hartlove. She added that customers were initially not aware of the bomb, and - amazingly - some people sitting outside at picnic tables were completely oblivious' - The Daily Mirror.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Michael Penglis and Tom Sperrink. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.