Remembering 'Chelsea confident Wayne Rooney will NEVER wear Manchester United shirt again' and noting that being foreign means you can't do maths...
Martin Keown solves Chelsea's defensive problems and why Arsenal should fear Napoli tonight...
If you listen carefully you can almost hear the whooping and hollering in the sports departments of every national newspaper in the country. Not only has the transfer window closed, but it's also international week. Football (or at least football that sells newspapers) has gone into hibernation for ten days. Other sports are obviously not an option. So why the whooping and hollering?
New FA chairman Greg Dyke has said some stuff.
He has basically said that a) we want to win the World Cup in 2022 and b) there are too many foreigners.
This is manna from heaven for football writers, who can unleash all manner of bulls*** upon the nation. A slightly unrealistic expectation? Tick. An opportunity to kick the foreigners? Tick. Bring it the f*** on.
The Sun take great pleasure in presenting a diagram of the 'foreign invasion' from which we can see that Premier League clubs have signed 12 Spaniards, 11 Frenchman, six Dutchmen and 47 other players from across the globe (and Scotland) this summer. And you know what's shocking? 'Of 84 players new to the Premier League in this transfer window, only EIGHT are English'.
It's almost like the best English players are already playing in the Premier League.
Chief Grumpypants Steven Howard points the finger at the Premier League and writes: 'When the PL was launched in 1992, 75 per cent of players were available to the England manager. Now it is 32%.'
Which is presumably why we won the World Cup in 1994.
The Sun also draws attention to the disparity between 37% of Premier League signings being English in 2011 in comparison with 25% in the summer of 2013. It's going down, you see. This is BAD. Mediawatch agrees and can think of no earthly reason why the signings of Stewart Downing (£20m), Jordan Henderson (£16m), Ashley Young (£16m), Scott Dann (£6m), Peter Crouch (£10m), Connor Wickham (£13m), Roger Johnson (£7m) and Jamie O'Hara (£5m) in 2011 did not encourage more clubs to sign more English players in 2013. It's a bona fide mystery.
Over at the Daily Mail, they have figures of 31% and 22% for the exact same statistic (English players bought by PL clubs in 2011 and 2013), but don't let that dissuade you from the notion that this is BAD. The figures are vastly different but the overall trend is downwards. And this is BAD, remember.
They call in 'experts' like Viv Anderson, who says: "We need to cut down on foreign input...I was in the Forest first team when I was only 17. I was played until I needed a rest."
And it was that kind of attitide that won Anderson, erm, absolutely nothing with England. In fact, he was so much in need of a rest that he went to four major tournaments with England and played just once.
Then there's Danny Mills, winner of 19 England caps and 'expert', who says: "How many top English players were sold or wanted by other clubs? Virtually none. Our senior team is simply not good enough to be wanted."
He's right, of course. Absolutely nobody wanted Wayne Rooney or Leighton Baines this summer.
How The Other Half Live
The Daily Mail also roll out Blackpool winger Thomas Ince to explain why he did not break through at Liverpool, saying: "It is hard because, in the Premier League, there are a lot of foreign players, particularly in the top five clubs. It makes it very hard for young English players to break through."
Ince, of course, left Liverpool in the summer of 2011, just when Liverpool were splashing out on foreign midfielders Stewart Downing and Jordan Henderson.
Since then, Raheem Sterling - three years his junior - has played 29 Premier League games for Liverpool and been capped by England.
Correction: The presence of foreign players makes it very hard for young, average English players to break through.
Taking The Michael
'Carrick has started the last three England games for which he has been available,' writes Shaun Custis in The Sun. He appears to have missed out the end of a sentence that should read '...and Gerrard and/or Wilshere has not'.
Warning Of The Day
The Sun: 'CHRIS COLEMAN has warned Arsene Wenger he would be mad to drop Aaron Ramsey in favour of Mesut Ozil.'
Actual quotes from Coleman: "It's not up to me. It's up to Arsene. But if Aaron keeps doing what he has been doing then I can't see him losing his place."
Summing Up The Big Stories
Manchester United need a director of football, says out-of-work director of football Damien Comolli.
Top story on the Daily Mail website as Mediawatch is published: 'Brawling in Bristol: Twelve arrested and police officers left with injuries as rival fans clash in another night of shame for football.'
Another night? Did we miss something? When was the last one?
Simplistic Intro Of The Year
From Colin Murray in Metro: 'Instead of investing the £85.3million gained from flogging Gareth Bale on new players, I wonder would Spurs consider buying new kits for every semi-professional and amateur team in the UK?'
Mediawatch was going to support Non-League Day until we read that bull****. Now we're going to stay at home and watch Mesut Ozil clips while we touch ourselves. With pound coins.
Headline Of The Day
'Big Plan Dyke' - Metro.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'NANI UP FOUR THE NEW ERA' - The Sun. Just plain lazy.
Non-Football Story Of The Day'
Time to up your game, gentlemen. The women of Britain are not having enough sex - and they're not happy about it. According to a new survey into the nation's happiness levels, carried out by Top Santé magazine, almost 20 per cent NEVER have sex. Another 10 per cent are making love less than three times a year and a massive 60 per cent get down to it twice a month or less. It's not just singletons missing out - the survey revealed that over a quarter (26 per cent) of those with a partner admitted they have sex just once every two or three months, or less' - The Daily Mail.
Thanks for nothing. If you spot something that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.