Remembering 'Chelsea confident Wayne Rooney will NEVER wear Manchester United shirt again' and noting that being foreign means you can't do maths...
Martin Keown solves Chelsea's defensive problems and why Arsenal should fear Napoli tonight...
The irony of Kyle Walker being pictured inhaling laughing gas/hippy crack is that the papers have reacted to the incident with incredibly poor humour.
Indeed, the Sunday Mirror and Daily Mail's use of the term 'hippy crack' is particularly pointed, as both are aware that their shock and outrage would carry less weight had they used the better-known 'laughing gas', which your mam and dad probably remember doing down at the disco on a Friday night. Before going home to have sex. Your parents had sex.
Mediawatch isn't sorry.
The first thing that strikes Mediawatch about Walker's 'drug shame' is the timing of the story. As the Sunday Mirror revealed: 'This photograph was taken as he was recovering from an injury that forced him to miss England's friendly double-header against the Republic of Ireland and Brazil.'
So this picture had been knocking around for over three months by the time it went to print on Sunday.
Perhaps, perhaps, the Sunday Mirror only received the tip-off after England's victory over Moldova on Friday. Or, if you're as cynical as Mediawatch, you might suspect that this exclusive was held back until it would have maximum impact. Like the weekend before England's crucial World Cup qualifying clash with Ukraine.
But what really grinds Neil Ashton's gears in the Daily Mail, who dedicate no fewer than four - four - pages to Walker's 'drug shame', is that the FA haven't even condemned the player.
'While Walker's actions would appear to contravene the England player's charter that was drawn up only last October...,' hopes Ashton, '...the Football Associaton refused to condemn a player who performed a key role for Roy Hodgson's side in Friday's 4-0 win over Moldova at Wembley.
'The FA insist that Walker, who has seven caps and is expected to start against Ukraine, has not broken any laws or behaved in a way that affects his standing with the England team.'
First WAGs 'openly wandering around' the team hotel and now players getting their rocks off on legal highs. These highs might be legal, but they produce 'feelings of euphoria that have been likened to heroin or crack cocaine'.
It's a slippery slope, Kyle. That balloon is a gateway drug.
The Sunday Mirror add that 'the gas can also cause strokes, seizures, blackouts and stress on the heart', so it probably wasn't the best idea for a professional footballer to risk his health sucking on something that looks like a cartoon bomb, though we do suspect that such a shocking list of health risks also applies to alcohol.
At this point, though, Mediawatch would also like to remind everyone that Benoit Assou-Ekotto threw himself out of a plane over the summer. And no, it wasn't because of his impending move to Harry Redknapp's QPR. He did it for fun, for a buzz, for a feeling of euphoria.
The moral of this tale is that footballers sometimes do silly things (you can have that for free, Denis Norden), but even when the things they do aren't that silly - legal silliness - the papers will still lose their collective sh*t and stain a week's worth of pants in an attempt to make you feel angry. You're supposed to feel like Walker has personally wronged you in some way by inhaling lauging gas. Has it worked? Are you seething yet?
It doesn't take a mathematical genius to work out that England are short on numbers for the Ukraine clash, a problem exacerbated by Danny Welbeck's booking on Friday. With that in mind, Roy Hodgson has hinted that James Milner will start on the left on Tuesday but, according to Martin Samuel in the Daily Mail, that decision would 'suggest absence of ambition'.
So, who would Martin pick instead of Milner - a player of 40 caps - for a match that England need to not lose more than they need to win? It's rookie Andros Townsend, of course.
'Why not seize the moment? Why not play the hot player, regardless of age or experience? Why not make Ukraine think?' asks Samuel.
'Townsend was Tottenham's best performer in their defeat by Arsenal. He had a storming game against Dinamo Tbilisi in Europe, too, and was man of the match in the home win over Swansea City.'
That's it? That's your argument to award a 22-year-old with 14 Premier League starts his first cap in England's biggest qualifying test? Why stop there? Why not hand a last-minute call-up to Tom Ince and throw him straight in. Then Ukraine would really have to think. They'd have to think 'What the f**k is Hodgson doing?'.
'Every manager is, at heart, a pragmatist. What if Hodgson gambles on an attacking formation and loses? Look at it another way. What if he gambles and wins? England could as good as qualify for Brazil on Tuesday night. Why wait?' writes Samuel.
Of course, he knows as well as Hodgson that the consequences of gambling and losing against Ukraine are far greater than the prize to be gained by gambling and winning.
There is an argument for saying that the England manager is often too negative in his approach (although, for balance, Mediawatch should point out that England are joint top scorers in UEFA qualifying) but it would be truly mental to start a complete novice on Tuesday just to try and prove a point. And we're pretty sure that Samuel's Mail colleagues would eagerly point that out on Wednesday morning.
"The best footballer I have played with would have to be Wayne Rooney," Frank Lampard told journalists on Sunday. "Particularly if you are talking about talent and ability."
'Particularly'? What else would you be talking about?
"As for the best opponent I faced, it would have to go with Zinedine Zidane of France," Lampard continued.
"Although he did not have his most fantastic game against us at Euro 2004, the presence of the man on the pitch was amazing."
Zidane scored both of France's goals in that 2-1 victory.
Least Surprising Revelation Of The Day
'It will make me very proud if Frank Lampard earns his 100th England cap tomorrow night,' writes Lampard's cousin, Jamie Redknapp, in the Daily Mail.
Me, Me, Me
'(Lampard) made his England debut against Belgium in a friendly in 1999, on the night I scored my one international goal,' Redknapp continues.
'It should have marked a great night for the family, but the headlines were dominated by Kevin Keegan's half-time tirade at the team.'
How could the papers not realise that the occasion was all about the Redknapp-Lampard family? Did they not know that it would turn out to be Jamie's only international goal and Frank would go on to make 100 caps? Fools.
Spend, Spend, Spend
Said Wolves owner Steve Morgan ahead of the club releasing its latest financial figures: "The figures will not be pretty. As and when the accounts come in, people will be shocked at them.
"The club has been well run and we have to do what's necessary, which is why we've been spending to get the club back up."
Yes, that sounds like the ideal solution.
They'll Be Fine
'They were beaten 2-0 at home by a classy Belgium side but the Tartan Army will be pleased to have got their Scotland back,' writes Mark Lawrenson in the Daily Mirror.
Oh Lawro. How we miss you on Match of the Day.
Quote Of The Day
"It p***es me off that, rather than speaking out and addressing the topic, a few decide to do something as trivial as not wear a t-shirt, then melt back into the crowd. Jason (Roberts) apart, the Premier League 'big' players happily throw in a grenade, but do nothing when it explodes, nothing other than appear to hide behind their advisers. That's because they are s***houses." - Clarke Carlisle is busy making friends.
Quote Of The Weekend
"You might say we've got no out and out attacking player, but Luke (Freeman) and Lionel Messi are a similar type of player and you wouldn't accuse Barcelona of playing without an attacking threat" - Stevenage manager Graham Westley after his team's 0-0 draw with Tranmere.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Milner Set To Fill Wel Hole' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man who was mugged in southern Japan decided to walk more than 800 miles home rather than inconvenience the local police or his family with his predicament.
'The man, who has not been named, set out from the city of Kitakyushu after being mugged on August 25 and arrived back at his home in Sendai, in the northeast of Japan, 11 days later.
'The man's mother had reported her son missing after he failed to catch his return flight.
'"I was shocked and thought I was seeing a ghost when he arrived," she told the Yomiuri newspaper. "I'm just thrilled that he is back and I'm very sorry to everyone who was worried about him."
'She added that he had got a good tan during his journey.
'The 25-year-old man was attending a major playing card convention but was stopped on a street around 10pm by a group of five men who demanded that he hand over his wallet and mobile phone.
'"It was good to be able to get home, but I did not want to cause any problems for anyone," he said. "I'm sorry to everyone that I inconvenienced."' - The Telegraph.
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* F365 would like to offer its congratulations to Crumlin United Ladies for their recent cup final triumph. G'wan ye girls ye.