Roy Hodgson is asked the perfect question, Mr Grumpypants is back, Jamie Redknapp hates making comparisons. Plus Ace-watch, you lucky things...
England fans targeted for muggings and rapes, United go from credit to crisis in seven days and the curse that's not a curse...
Reading The Daily Mail So You Don't Have To
Summarising Martin Samuel's 36-paragraph article on Rickie Lambert: He might be good tonight. He might be bad tonight. No one knows.
A (Poor) Lesson From History
Somewhere in the middle of Samuel's 36-paragraph deliberation on whether a footballer might be good or not in a game we have not yet seen, the Daily Mail man was clearly searching for an example of a player plucked from relative obscurity at an advanced age who turned out to be not very good when put under pressure. He searched and he searched and he came up with the name of Chris Powell.
Mediawatch is surprised. But we'll listen...
'When Sven Goran Eriksson took charge of England in 2001, Charlton Athletic left back Powell was the surprise selection, and starter, in his first match against Spain. For a brief period it looked as if Eriksson had discovered a player that the finest brains in English football had missed. And pretty soon, it transpired that he hadn't. Powell was a good club turn, but not an international,' writes Samuel.
So Powell was picked, rose to prominence and then was found out in a high-pressure game? Exactly like what could maybe (there are a lot of 'maybes' in Samuel's piece) happen to Lambert?
Odd. What Mediawatch remembers was that Powell started just two games for England with very little fuss - a 3-0 win over Spain and a 2-1 victory over Finland - and then was replaced by a rather good young left-back by the name of Ashley Cole. He then played another three unmemorable halves of football for England but by that point the 32-year-old Powell was third-best to Cole and Wayne Bridge.
Are we missing the point at which Powell played in a massive game in an intimidating atmosphere? Is a left-back playing in Finland exactly the same as a lone striker playing in Ukraine?
It's almost like Samuel has thought of a scenario that could 'maybe' happen to Lambert and then looked for a player from England's history who could possibly - if you squint - be crowbarred into that scenario. Why do we expect better?
Too Much, Too Young
Howard Kendall is the latest old man to mutter about foreigners making it difficult for English players to break through. So what should you do when a young English player breaks through against the odds and impresses in the Premier League? You should make him do it a 100 times more, of course.
The Daily Mail's headline of 'KENDALL: ENGLAND FAR TOO QUICK TO BANK ON BARKLEY' almost caused Mediawatch to do serious damage to its monitor as we screamed 'bank on him? He's played 20-odd sodding minutes against Moldova'. And breathe.
Kendall says: "It's too early. He has to be consistent over a period of time - and then be judged. It's too early now. A factor, of course, is the limited supply of players for the England team. So they're wishing him on. And it's quicker than it should be. They're jumping him forward because of the number of foreign players but the boy needs patience - woah."
Because of course it makes much more sense to pick Leon Osman ("he's kept going and going and going") instead of a far superior player who is 13 years younger when planning for a World Cup in nine months' time.
Apropos of nothing, Howard Kendall was never capped by England despite winning the league title with Everton.
Let It Bleed
The Daily Mail online's resident duh-brain Adrian Durham thinks that Wayne Rooney should be in Kiev 'ready to spill blood for the England cause'. Of course he does. Mediawatch is also ready to spill blood. His.
Durham also questions any credit being given to Frank Lampard for reaching 100 caps because he has failed to win anything - criteria which would also rule out fellow centurions Peter Shilton and Billy Wright (try telling that to Jeff Powell) from legendary status. So only 11 England players can be truly proud of playing for England.
'Lampard was there for the dismal defeat in Belfast in 2005, the horror show at the 2010 World Cup against Germany, and the game I don't think I will ever recover from - that 2-3 home defeat to Croatia in 2007. I'm not singling Lampard out for blame for these dreadful results. But nobody can exonerate him from his contribution to the failure,' writes Durham.
'The only moment of England brilliance (I mean competitive games against traditionally difficult opponents) I can remember during the time Lampard has been an England international, came back in 2001 in Munich, Germany 1 England 5 in a World Cup qualifier. Lampard wasn't involved.'
So Durham still hasn't recovered from losing 3-2 to Croatia in 2007 but has seemingly forgotten beating the same opposition 4-1 and 5-1 in England's almost-faultless march to the 2010 World Cup. How very convenient. How very Durham.
Worst Opening Sentence Ever?
'JOE HART shut your eyes and ears,' writes the most objectionable of the Custii brothers in The Sun.
a) Sometimes, just sometimes, it's okay to break that 'tabloid stories must begin with a NAME IN CAPITALS' rule.
b) How do you shut your ears?
Let Mediawatch help.
'SHUT your eyes and cover your ears, Joe Hart.'
It's really not that hard to reach even a basic level of competence.
Know Your Limits
'England go into what can only be described as the lions' den when they face an in-form Ukrainian side...' - Steven Howard, The Sun.
Headline Of The Day
'TAMPERE TANTRUM' - The Sun on Andre Wisdom's red card in Tampere.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Your Tym is up' - The Sun once again ignore basic rules of pronunciation.
Non-Football Headline Of The Day
'Boozy feral pig steals beer, gets drunk and starts fight with a cow' - Irish Independent.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A link between the size of a father's testicles and how active he is in bringing up his children has been suggested by scientists. Researchers at Emory University, US, said those with smaller testicles were more likely to be involved with nappy changing, feeding and bath time. They also found differences in brain scans of fathers looking at images of their child, linked to testicle size' - BBC News.
Thanks today's Mediawatch spotter Neil Monaghan. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.