Remembering 'Chelsea confident Wayne Rooney will NEVER wear Manchester United shirt again' and noting that being foreign means you can't do maths...
Martin Keown solves Chelsea's defensive problems and why Arsenal should fear Napoli tonight...
Whenever Match of the Day is rightly criticised for its banal analysis and uninspiring punditry (every week, basically) Gary Lineker fires up the Twitter machine and jumps to the programme's defence.
'Rather than spout your customary bile, why don't you suggest how you would change a programme that remains hugely popular?' tweeted Lineker to Barney Ronay last Friday following a column in the Guardian in which Ronay referred to MOTD as a 'sofa-bound conspiracy of complacency'.
Of course, Lineker may argue that MOTD remains 'hugely popular', but it's hardly a surprise that people still watch the only free-to-air Premier League highlights show regardless of the tedium that ensues every time the match action ends.
As Mediawatch has said before, we're pretty sure none of the w**kers who watch Babestation tune in for the continuity announcer. Although we were sent this response.
The point Lineker is making is that it's a results business and that's all he cares about. Don't bore him with complaints about MOTD's excruciating lack of imagination and insight because he doesn't want to know.
Mediawatch finds it puzzling then that despite Lineker's keen focus on results, he acts somewhat differently when it comes to the England team.
Following a 1-1 draw with Ireland in May, the MOTD host tweeted that English football was back in the 'Dark Ages', with Roy Hodgson and his team coming in for similar criticism on Tuesday.
'Awful' was Lineker's immediate reaction to England's 0-0 draw with Ukraine. 'Good result for England...Brazil, Spain, Germany, Argentina et al, you're in big trouble! What happens to some of these players when they pull on an England shirt?'
But Gary, look at the figures. England are top of the group with two home matches to play. Only two teams have scored more goals in UEFA qualifying and only two have conceded fewer. No-one has a better goal difference. They haven't lost a single game.
The results prove England are doing well, so why get all het up over performances? As one of the pundits on MOTD would insightfully say, they'll be fine.
Continued Lineker on Tuesday night: 'When you see England pass it like they've never been introduced to each other, it makes you wonder why Carrick doesn't feature.'
Or it makes you forget that Carrick played 90 minutes against Poland and Montenegro when England let two leads slip in the second half.
"I can see England winning tonight, but I can also see them losing."
ITV pundit Lee Dixon sees everything but a draw before England v Ukraine.
Oliver Holt recalls a foreboding tale from Clarke Carlisle's new autobiography in his Daily Mirror column on Wednesday.
The crux of the story is that kids are too pampered these days, illustrated by an anecdote about Peter Beardsley having to clean up after a Newcastle youth team who Carlisle would presumably describe as a bunch of s**thouses.
'It is not apocalyptic, but it is sobering,' writes Holt.
'What do we think we are teaching these kids when we let a man who was a wizard of a player be a slave for them?'
Phew, for a moment there Mediawatch was beginning to panic. But don't worry, it's not apocalyptic...
'The reality is that sport as we know it is under threat,' continues Holt as his concerns about kids and their XBoxs begin to rapidly escalate.
'Ponder wider social trends and it is easy to contemplate a doomsday scenario that what is actually happening here is the beginning of the death of sport.'
'Will sport have to migrate to tablet to survive? Will it continue to exist in a different format?
'Not for quite some time, hopefully. But change happens, traditions evolve. Just ask Peter Beardsley.'
Mediawatch isn't sure Peter Beardsley would know what to make of this either.
'One of the funniest and most entertaining football parody accounts on Twitter is Evil Kagawa, purporting to be written by the Manchester United midfielder,' writes David McDonnell on the Mirror's football site.
'Among its 141,000 followers are United trio Rio Ferdinand, Ben Amos and Sam Johnstone, the account having built up a formidable following through the pigeon English of its protagonist and his laugh-out-loud take on his predicament.'
'Pigeon' English? Oh, the irony.
Slight Difference Of Opinion
"I don't think anyone realistically thinks we are going to win the World Cup in Brazil" - new FA chairman Greg Dyke.
"Who says we can't win? Greece won the European Championship in 2004 - that was considered impossible. Denmark won the Euros in 1992. If they could come off the bench and win, then we could win" - old FA chairman David Bernstein.
Laboured Intro Of The Day
'Not long before Joe Hart ran out into the Olympic Stadium, the announcer played Highway to Hell. The England keeper must have felt as though he has been travelling down it at various moments this season. And there were plenty who feared that, on England's biggest night since they got knocked out of the Euros here last June, he was about to reach his destination' - Oliver Holt in the Daily Mirror.
The Official Line
Writes Graham Poll in the Daily Mail: 'A penalty would have been soft but not wrong, but I felt Proenca (the ref) made the right call.'
So the right call was to make the wrong decision?
Quote Of The Day
"Great teams always have a Plan B. You look at Barcelona - their Plan B is to stick to plan A, and usually it works." - Johnny Giles on RTE.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'HO-OROY - Hodgson nil-nily there' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A naked man was seen to simulate a sex act with a parked Land Rover Discovery. Earlier he had done the same thing to the counter at a take-away food restaurant.
'Daniel Craig Cooper, 24, was so drunk he could not recall what he had done. He was mortified and ashamed, a court heard yesterday.
'Cooper, of Springfields, Holywell, had been charged with a public order offence but that was changed to indecent exposure when he appeared at Flintshire Magistrates Court at Mold.' - leaderlive.co.uk
Thanks today's Mediawatch spotters Joydeep Acharya, Philip Holland and Paul Gormley. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.