Roy Hodgson is asked the perfect question, Mr Grumpypants is back, Jamie Redknapp hates making comparisons. Plus Ace-watch, you lucky things...
England fans targeted for muggings and rapes, United go from credit to crisis in seven days and the curse that's not a curse...
Slight Difference Of Opinion
"I looked him (Pepe Reina) in the eye and told him I was thinking of bringing in another goalkeeper good enough to be No1. He accepted that at the time. When he decided he wanted to go on loan to Napoli I never got the two No1s I had wanted but I still ended up with a good goalkeeper" - Brendan Rodgers, speaking before Liverpool's match against Swansea.
"If I have a complaint, it's the way I'm leaving. I think it's natural to be disappointed by the fact that the management agreed my move to Naples without me" - Pepe Reina, speaking in July.
Martin Samuel gets down with the lingo to provide a helpful Spanish lesson in his Daily Mail column on Monday.
'The ball soared over the heads into the stands behind the goal, and the home crowd began their mocking taunt. 'Tu sí que vale,' they chirped sarcastically, 'tu sí que vale.' It translates as, 'Yes, you are worth it.',' writes Samuel.
'In correct Spanish, the chant would be, 'Tu sí que vales', which literally means, 'You, yes you are worth it' but the fans used the third person 'vale' instead of the second person 'vales' because then it rhymes and makes a pun of the pronunciation of his name 'Bale'.
'Grammatical nuance and wordplay in a terrace chant. This is Spanish football, you see. Even their abuse is technically sophisticated.'
Mais oui, Martin. Except the Spanish pronunciation of 'vale' would be 'baa-lay', so wouldn't rhyme with Bale unless, in your sophistication, you decided to pronounce his name entirely incorrectly.
Scoring on your Real Madrid debut must be a special feeling, but Mediawatch can't help but think that the Daily Mirror's statistical analysis of Gareth Bale's performance doesn't quite back up the claim that it was 'a debut to remember'.
In 62 minutes on the pitch, the winger managed only 34 touches, completed just 64% of his passes (44% in the final third), and failed to find a teammate with any of his three crosses. We imagine there is quite a bit he'll want to forget about his 'debut to remember'.
'Bale is not a personality. He gets on with the game. Mostly, he shies away from the circus that surrounds it,' writes Oliver Holt in the Daily Mirror.
The man trademarked a f**king celebration.
If you'll allow Mediawatch to pull back the curtain for the briefest of moments, we'll admit that it is not always easy to defend Roy Hodgson's England team given their failure to win any of four qualifying matches against Ukraine, Poland and Montenegro and the particularly dull football that has been played on occasion.
However, there have been hints - such as the victory over Brazil in February - that when everyone is fit, Hodgson can manage the team to impressive results and performances. There is obviously a balance to be struck between having patience in the manager and his players and wanting that patience to be rewarded with a run of victories that inspires at least a little optimism.
This brings us to Martin Samuel's latest column in the Daily Mail, in which he continues his line that England are doomed to fail under Hodgson's hoof-ball, as if they would be genuine challengers for the World Cup without him.
Samuel's concerns over England's display in Ukraine - when the result was clearly the most important thing - are reasonable, to an extent, but there are several holes in his argument.
After reiterating Gary Lineker's criticism of Hodgson's long ball tactics in Ukraine, Samuel writes: 'It would seem, Hodgson has not got the confidence in his players to attempt to counter a high-pressing game with anything more intricate than a ball over the top.
'Lambert does not even receive that type of service at Southampton. Mauricio Pochettino, his coach, makes the defence pass to feet.'
Except he doesn't. Southampton have played more long balls per game than any other team in the Premier League this season, so perhaps Pochettino's willingness for Southampton's defenders to play it early to Lambert influenced Hodgson's thoughts in Ukraine.
There is, of course, a possibility that Hodgson was playing to the striker's main strength and tweaked his tactics accordingly with seven regular picks missing through injury and suspension.
'Hodgson's plans become self-fulfilling prophecy. He believes English defenders lack technique so commands them to play in a manner that as good as guarantees its absence,' continues Samuel.
'It does not have to be this way. Martinez, Brendan Rodgers and Glenn Hoddle have confounded the belief that supposed inferior players cannot be coached to improve. It can happen at international level, too.'
Is Samuel really using Hoddle, Rodgers and Martinez as three examples to support his argument? The first is a football manager who hasn't managed anyone for seven years, the second shipped out three England internationals over the summer as he clearly felt he couldn't improve them and the third, well, must Mediawatch go into detail about Wigan's defence under Martinez?
There is undoubtedly room for England to improve, but it's important to remember that things are nowhere near as bad as some would make out.
Keep The Faith
Jamie Redknapp channels Mark Lawrenson in the Daily Mail on Monday when he writes: '(Sunderland's) performance against Arsenal suggests they will be OK in the long run.'
Yes, a 3-1 defeat in which they managed just 31% possession and only three shots on target suggests they'll be just fine.
How Much More Of This
'For The Happy One, read the Resigned One,' begins Dominic King in the Daily Mail.
Are we going to have to read this s**t every week because there's a bloody long list of emotions to get through.
'Jose Mourinho will have sleepless nights about David Luiz's defending,' writes Jamie Redknapp in the Daily Mail.
'Luiz defends for himself with little concern for his partner. He must be a nightmare for John Terry and Gary Cahill.
'He is certainly better suited to the Champions League and I wonder if Jose will use him more in Europe and will rest Terry, with Gary Cahill and Terry preferred in the league.'
Let Mediawatch get this straight. Redknapp thinks Luiz is too much of a liability in the Premier League, but thinks he's 'certainly better suited' to the Champions League where Chelsea could end up facing the likes of Bayern Munich, Barcelona and Real Madrid?
Waste Of Time
"Playing in Russia is almost a waste of time," said Jamie Redknapp when analysing Samuel Eto'o's performance against Everton on Sky Sports.
Mediawatch imagines there will be plenty, including Eto'o's bank manager, who would care to disagree.
Advertorial Of The Day
'After hanging up his football boots at the end of last season, David Beckham has put on his leathers and got on his bike,' writes David Kent in the Daily Mail.
'The former England skipper was in central London to help launch bikers fashion brand Belstaff's new store in the capital.
'David is said to be the new face of the label for their new Spring/Summer 2014 campaign.'
Belstaff? Is that for real?
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Giroud: I Feel Like A Booty' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A MAN who was bitten on the penis after allegedly punching a police dog in the face is in police custody.
'Zane Thomas Smith had been on the run for several days after an alleged robbery at Mooloolaba, where he allegedly bashed a woman and stole a motorcycle.
'The 23-year-old Peregian Springs man was tracked to a house in Pomona, where a police dog sniffed him out hiding in a hallway cupboard.
'The dog bit Smith on the penis, piercing his main blood vessel, after he allegedly punched the dog in the snout.
'A police spokesman said the experienced police dog was under control of the handler during the Pomona incident.
'He said the dog responded as it had been trained to respond.' - Sunshine Coast Daily.
Thanks to today's spotter Tony James. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.