Martin Keown solves Chelsea's defensive problems and why Arsenal should fear Napoli tonight...
The Sun conduct an 'experiment' and Adrian Durham knows how to spice up romance...
The Daily Bale
Number of times the word 'Bale' appears on the football homepage of the Daily Mail website on Monday lunchtime: 16.
Gareth Bale did not even play this weekend.
Worry Like It's 1999
It seems The Daily Mail have made quite a discovery - they are now able to travel back in time! Imagine the possibilities. You could go back to 1963 and find out who really shot JFK. You could transport yourself to 40 AD and find out if Caligula really was such a party boy. You could travel to Russia in the 1920s and verify if that thing pickled in a jar in some museum really is Rasputin's penis.
However, The Mail seems to have eschewed this chance, and instead have gone back to the south coast of England, 14 years ago.
For that was when Chelsea selected the first all-foreign starting XI to play in England, in a Premier League game against Southampton. Knickers were twisted at the time, it's happened several times since then, we all got over it.
All, it seems, except Neil Ashton, who writes: 'In years to come, the 166th Manchester derby could go down as the day English football died.'
Blimey Neil, why?
'It's by no means unique in this country, but City began this fixture without a single English outfield player. This was football at the highest level of the Barclays Premier League and the champions of England - with a core of six English players in the starting line-up - were picked off at will by overseas imports.
'Good for City. Not so good for the England team.'
Well, if you wanted to see English players 'picked off at will' by foreigners, you could probably watch the England team...well, at more or less any point against any decent team in the past 50-odd years.
Jesus, this isn't even the first time this season that City have picked an all-foreign starting XI.
1999 called, Neil - it wants its moral outrage back. Expect to see furrowed-brow articles about the Millenium bug, Bill Clinton doing iffy things with a cigar and whether this Tony Blair chap really is the smiling prince of politics he first appeared to be.
We have discussed David Moyes' embarrassing proclamations elsewhere on Football365 but Mediawatch was particularly intrigued by his indignant: "I've been here before with Everton and never suffered a defeat like this."
If he spouted that line in the dressing-room, we really hope at least one of those United players pointed out that Moyes never won at Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool or Arsenal with Everton in ten years of trying. They may also point out that Moyes' brave Everton soldiers managed to lose 7-0, 6-1 and 4-0 to the Gunners. Oh and 4-0 to the giants of West Brom, Aston Villa and Bolton in one particularly resilient season.
But no, they never suffered a 4-1 defeat at Man City. So well done, Davie.
Lawro Predicts (1)
Lawro foresees the derby on the BBC website: 'I think this is a nailed-on draw.'
Lawro Predicts (2)
Lawro was then on Football Focus on Saturday lunchtime: "Where I think United have the edge...is that David Moyes probably knows his best team; I'm not sure Pellegrini does."
He probably does now, Lawro.
Oddly enough, Mark Lawrenson does not seem to surprised at the lack of this 'nailed-on draw' in his Monday column in the Daily Mirror. Presumably he knew exactly what would happen as soon as he saw the teamsheets with no Robin van Persie for United and the presence of Vincent Kompany for City.
'Without Kompany, City had looked ordinary so it is arguable that the two biggest teams in the country depend almost totally on one player,' writes Lawro.
It's arguable, yes, but only a fool would argue that the day after a 4-1 City win in which Kompany wasn't even City's best player.
'How did Man City's new boys get on?' is the question posed by The Sun, who conclude that Fernandinho was 'hardly noticed as he was outshone by Toure'. Is that the same Fernandinho who set up three goalscoring chances, made four tackles and five interceptions (more than anybody else on the pitch)? Oh but wait a minute...he didn't score, did he?
The Sun: Simplifying football since, well, forever.
Said Paolo Di Canio on Saturday afternoon: "I always believe I am the best manager in the world. Why should I have to walk out? I have been working 24 hours a day. The 24 players have to adapt to me."
Or, alternatively, the 24 players have to have a party when you're chased out of the club.
First And Only
The Sun: 'PAOLO DI CANIO was sacked as Sunderland boss last night after just 175 DAYS following an astonishing player rebellion.'
The Daily Mirror: 'PAOLO DI CANIO was last night sacked by Sunderland after a major bust-up involving senior players.'
The Daily Mail: 'PAOLO DI CANIO was sacked by Sunderland last night after his players turned on him during a furious training-ground bust-up.'
The latter is apparently 'exclusive'. Go figure.
Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers last week: "Now we are just churning out wins and if we can't win we are drawing games with resilient performances, like in the last 25 minutes against Swansea."
Will he ever learn?
Headline Of The Day
'A GOOD HERR DAY' - The Daily Mirror hails the Germans at Arsenal.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'BAD HAIR DAY' - The Daily Star on the tired old hairdryer nonsense.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A pensioner from South America is probably wishing he took it easy on the Viagra after an alleged overdose led to doctors amputating his penis. The 66-year-old Colombian national had sought medical help after realising something was wrong, according to newspaper La Nacion. When doctors in Neiva examined the man from Gigante, they found he had a fractured and swollen penis. They then gave him the shocking diagnosis that his penis would have to be amputated or the inflammation may cause gangrene to spread throughout his body. 'The patient showed bruising on the testicles and penis. was treated and is recovering well,' said a doctor dealing with the case' - Metro.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Richard Kurt. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.