Remembering 'Chelsea confident Wayne Rooney will NEVER wear Manchester United shirt again' and noting that being foreign means you can't do maths...
Martin Keown solves Chelsea's defensive problems and why Arsenal should fear Napoli tonight...
Bring The Moyes
David Moyes has been pondering where it all went wrong in Manchester United's 4-1 defeat to Manchester City on Sunday and it seems the manager may finally have put his finger on the problem.
"Maybe where we've got work to do is to bring players in, not for the squad, but to go right into the team," he said.
So after trying and spectacularly failing to bring in a long list of targets over the three-month summer transfer window, Moyes has now realised that his first team is a little short of quality.
This is somewhat different to what the manager said on July 29, when he told journalists: "The squad Manchester United has, without any additions, will be tough opponents for any team this year. That is the squad that finished 11 points clear in the Premier League. I am confident in that squad."
And again, on September 1, after United lost 1-0 to Liverpool: "We will try in the market, but I'm more than happy with what we've got. I'm very happy with my squad and the options we have."
But don't worry United fans, Moyes has moved to reassure everyone that, despite fluffing the summer transfer window, new signings "will happen".
Sure they will, David. Sure they will.
If In Doubt
Fear not, David Moyes. Times may be tough after defeats to Liverpool and Manchester City, but Oliver Holt suggests the perfect coping mechanism in his Daily Mirror column.
In a piece that begins with Keith Gillespie's excitement at playing in front of Sir Alex Ferguson as a 13-year-old boy, before meandering through the trials that Moyes must now face, Holt eventually ends with this sage piece of advice:
'Moyes is strong enough to cope. And if he wavers, if he is ever tempted to narrow his vision, he should think about Keith Gillespie and the way a 13-year-old kid felt when he looked over at the touchline and saw the manager of Manchester United standing there.'
Mediawatch believes we should all think of a 13-year-old Keith Gillespie in times of difficulty. Not sexual difficulty, mind.
What's The Mata With You?
If Juan Mata enjoys being patronised, he need look no further than Chelsea assistant coach Steve Holland, who lauded the playmaker's match-winning performance over the mighty Swindon.
"A lot has been made of the Mata situation because he's a high-profile player," said Holland.
"There's no such thing as a luxury player these days. You can carry a luxury player in certain fixtures, but not many."
Mediawatch would like to remind everyone that Chelsea 'carried' Mata in three wins over Manchester United last season (including a 1-0 victory at Old Trafford in which he scored the winning goal), two wins over Arsenal (he scored in both matches), and a 4-2 win over Spurs at White Hart Lane (in which he scored twice and assisted a third).
Of course, Mata was also carried through every minute of the Blues' 2012 Champions League final victory over Bayern Munich. The work-shy s**thouse.
The Real Loser
Mediawatch feels little sympathy for Paolo Di Canio after he was given the boot at Sunderland, but most would agree that he's been the biggest loser in the events of the past few days.
Not so, it seems, as the Daily Mail have been in touch with local restaurant owner Keith Steele for his take on the Italian's sacking.
'The publican in Roker had just introduced a new chicken dish onto his menu: pollo di canio,' report the Mail, with tongue firmly in cheek.
'It was selling well, apparently, and Steele was in yesterday's Sunderland Echo complaining: "They just didn't give him enough time."'
Poor Keith, but at least he can look forward to introducing a new 'Breaded Ham McLeish' dish to his menu.
"What's unacceptable is that the manager makes fun of players. I've seen things here that I have never seen in my career."
Another quote from a Sunderland player outraged by Paolo Di Canio's destructive form of man-management? No, that was Brighton winger Vicente on former boss Gus Poyet, who leads the running to be Di Canio's replacement at Sunderland.
Said Alan Pardew on Paolo Di Canio's sacking: "I'm not going to throw any criticism at what Paolo did at Sunderland. He entered the job with good faith, and he did an honest job, which is what he thought was right, and I'm sad to see him go."
Could that be because Newcastle are playing Sunderland in two weeks, Alan?
Mediawatch wants to like Andre Villas-Boas with his sexy beard and his sexy voice and his sexy body, but his pissing and moaning about Spurs' fixture list has bored us senseless over the past week.
"This is an impossible game for us to play, but hopefully our team spirit and motivation can get us through," said Villas-Boas ahead of Spurs' clash with Aston Villa on Tuesday.
Yes, 'impossible' is exactly the right word for a fixture in which you can make eight changes to the team and still romp to a 4-0 victory in an away match against a Premier League rival.
Just A Number
'Darren Bent defied the idea that this competition is for the stars of tomorrow by climbing off the bench to fire Fulham into the fourth round,' writes Matt Barlow in the Daily Mail.
Is '29-year-old striker scores in League Cup' really the best angle from Fulham's win over Everton?
Following John Cross' 'massive blow' in the Daily Mirror on Tuesday, Neil Ashton describes Theo Walcott's injury absence for England's upcoming World Cup qualifiers as 'another injury crisis' in the Daily Mail.
Crisis? Compared to the seven players that missed the matches against Moldova and Ukraine - in which Walcott's contribution was next to nothing - Mediawatch would suggest that the absence of two first-team players - Walcott and Glen Johnson - is hardly worth breaking into a sweat over.
One To Keep On File
Said Brendan Rodgers on Luis Suarez's return: "Over time, we will see the lessons learned and that maturity."
Reach For The Sky
"We're able to express ourselves now and be more free. We are able to try things and that's the only way to improve," said Stoke's Kenwyne Jones in a blatant dig at former boss Tony Pulis.
"You're not restricted to that 'sky' football. We weren't allowed to play in the last regime, which was a waste of talent.
"Before it was more or less hit and hope - and I think my teammates would testify to that. We were basically just playing the percentages.
"We have internationals and other good players, so it was quite simple to make the change.
"The (new) manager must have been surprised we took to it so quickly, but I always believed we had enough to play that type of football - and now we are showing that."
That's Kenwyne Jones crowing after a League Cup hat-trick against Walsall and four Premier League matches without a goal.
Now he's free to 'express' himself, Jones might want to improve on his pass completion rate of 63% - one of the lowest for an outfield player in the top flight - and his meagre total of just three shots on target in four league appearances.
Laboured Intro Of The Day
'Kaiser Chiefs released 'Every Day I Love You Less And Less' the day before Arsenal won their last silverware by beating Manchester United in the 2005 FA Cup Final. Arsene Wenger is unlikely a fan of the Leeds-based indie rockers but there is no denying their anthem has been rather prophetic for the Frenchman as the Gunners have since gone eight years without winning anything and a growing section of supporters have become increasingly disenchanted.' - The Metro.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Bendt Is Like Beckham' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'An Italian athlete is to face a disciplinary hearing on Wednesday for allegedly using a fake penis to try to beat a doping test.
'Devis Licciardi, a long distance runner, allegedly filled the artificial organ with uncontaminated urine which he then gave as a sample during a post-race test for banned substances.
'Mr Licciardi had just competed in a 10km road race at Molfetta in the southern region of Puglia at the weekend when he was asked to take the urine test.
'The 27-year-old athlete, a member of the Italian air force team, was allegedly caught trying to siphon off "clean" urine from the fake penis, which was concealed in his underpants. As he prepared to take the test, he had reportedly told a doctor: "I'd like to be alone."
'But the doctor refused the request, saying that he needed to be in attendance, in accordance with anti-doping laws.
'If found guilty of the offence, he risks being disqualified for two years.
'Fake penises are readily available on the internet and even come in different colours to match users' skin colour, including white, black and Latino.
'One website offers "life-like" prosthetic penises complete with packets of dehydrated, uncontaminated urine, which can be turned liquid with chemical heat packs.
'A satisfied customer wrote on one website: "I passed my drug test with ease and the person giving the test watched me pee. It is worth every penny."' - The Telegraph.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Nik Roseveare. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.