England fans targeted for muggings and rapes, United go from credit to crisis in seven days and the curse that's not a curse...
Arsene Wenger is 'NOT UPSET', Roberto Martinez issues a dodgy guarantee and the 'daunting' 0.0868% chance...
Micah Richards seems slightly baffled. Baffled as to why he hasn't played for England more.
He said: "I've been stuck on 13 caps for some time now - unlucky for some!
"I'm not sure what the answer is. I just need to get fit and play regularly."
Actually, yeah, you've probably nailed it there. You do need to get fit and play regularly. Done and done.
Turning down being on standby for the Euro 2012 squad probably didn't help either, mind.
All The Same
Hats off to Alan Green, who commented on BBC Radio 5Live last night that Mamadou Sakho was a "Yaya Toure lookalike".
Well, they're both tall and black Alan, and, erm, well...
Clutching At Straws For David
Reports The BBC:
'Moyes saw his side lose to Liverpool and be thrashed 4-1 by rivals Manchester City in a difficult opening start to the Premier League, but has now won five of his first eight games in all competitions - the best start of any new United manager since Matt Busby in 1946.'
We're sure Moyes is delighted with beating Wigan, Swansea, Crystal Palace, Bayer Leverkusen and Liverpool in the League Cup, and not winning the three games that anyone gives a toss about.
Also, while 67 years does sound like quite a long time, what the BBC doesn't mention is that United have actually only had five managers in that time.
They should probably also point out that none of those other managers had taken over a team that had just won the league at a canter either.
Street Fighting Man
Ian Ayre was at some sports breakfast or other this morning (which we're told was impeccably organised), and he had a few things to say about Luis Suarez.
"It was damaging to the brand but this is club is bigger than one player," he commented on Suarez chowing down on Branislav Ivanovic's arm.
Just swill 'damaging to the brand' around in your brain for a little while. Breathe deeply, stave off the nausea, have a sip of water and continue reading.
"Luis is a street fighter and we had to deal with it. We've worked a lot with him since the Ivanovic incident and he's back to what he's best at - terrorising defenders."
'Don't do racisms or bite people'. There you go. Let's call that a workshop. Unfortunate choice of words there, too.
"Hard work and lessons learnt post-Evra - we now have a process in place for any crisis."
Well, indeed. Of course, many clubs have no need for a 'don't do racisms or bite people' process.
The Art Of Driving
From the serialisation of Keith Gillespie's book in The Daily Mirror:
'Long before the Spice Girl days, Becks was the first of the group to have a girlfriend. He bought an old Ford Estate off Giggs and I'm sure that helped.'
Couple of things, Keith:
1) Would you buy a car from Ryan Giggs? Lord knows what's occurred on that back seat.
2) Something tells us that, even in those early floppy-haired days, 'Becks' probably didn't need a Ford Estate to help him with women.
'AVB for PSG? Spurs boss reveals he is in constant contact with French giants' blarts the headline on The Daily Mail website.
And here's what Villas-Boas said: "I have good relations with Nasser al-Khelafi, who I speak to regularly.
"I knew him because I worked with Al-Jazeera and I was invited to Doha, where they showed me the building plans for the 2022 World Cup. I have been impressed. Everything will be done to guarantee a unique experience for supporters."
Man talks to mate. Sub-editors, sharpen thy nibs.
Exchange Of The Day
"I thought the way he drove the other players on was fantastic and that is what you expect from Lee. After a certain period in the first half he went down on his haunches and I sort of shouted, 'Are you alright?' and he shouted back, 'No, I've just taken one in the knackers'. And I went, 'Fair enough then'" - Kevin Ball chats with Lee Cattermole.
Laboured Intro Of The Day
'Devotees of the American drama Breaking Bad can, if they wish, show their esteem for its charismatic lead character by buying T-shirts asking: 'What would Walter White do?' In Manchester they have their own twist this season. What would Sir Alex Ferguson do?' - Ian Ladyman in The Daily Mail.
Third Person Of The Day
"Everyone knows who David Luiz is. He (Mourinho) is a manager who wants everyone to work hard, not just David Luiz" - David Luiz.
Quote Of The Day
"Since the start of the season, I've dedicated myself to watching the games of teams that might call me if things weren't going too well" - Gus 'Vulture' Poyet reveals his ruthless (and, let's be honest, sensible) side.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'CaPEAtal One Cup' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'It is normally used to host Women's Institute, indoor bowls and Brownie meetings. But a village hall is branching out in the activities it offers, giving the local community an opportunity to learn how to practise bondage on a budget. Trumpington Village Hall on the outskirts of Cambridge will host a series of workshops including "spanking and impact play", "kink on a budget" and "flogging", in an event organised by the group Peer Rope Cambridge.
'Tea and biscuits will also be provided, the cost of which will be covered by the £10 entrance fee. Attendees are encouraged to bring their own money-saving ideas to the workshop, which will cater to fetish fans affected by the economic downturn. The day starts with "breakfast and introductions," before proceeding on to sessions covering hypnosis, spanking and "communication and negotiation" - The Daily Telegraph.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter John Briggs. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.